will the real c-tine please stand up ...

after being ‘accused’ of marching to my own beat several times tonight, i thought this poem that i wrote in junior high would be appropriate ... :)

identity

i’d rather not follow the crowd,
even if shunned by everyone,
than be faced again with uncertainty ...

the uncertainty that says nothing is sure,
beckons to follow the lights that lie,
and the shadows that deceive.

i’d rather be exposed to the madness,
yet not swayed by it.
standing strong against the world.

let them walk where they might
always lost, unsure, questioning; why?
drifting aimlessly with the current.

i’d rather be walking in the light,
along the straight and narrow way,
hand in hand with my Father and Friend.

i’d rather let Him bring change in me,
than be changed by the world.
to grow. to learn. to let His shine through.

i’d rather be what He has made me to be.

isn’t it always the case that no matter how much the dark seasons of our lives might try to cover up and steal away our true selves, they’re going to come out one way or another?

mine just happens to come out through food.

even when i have a hard time expressing myself in other ways, if you give me a table (or menu) full of ingredients, my uniqueness will rise to the surface. i wrote this poem after coming out of my first (and darkest) struggle with depression. i had lost myself during that time, and was rediscovering (or discovering) and learning to assert my identity. i wrote this probably a year after that poem ...

there are some people out there who are already sure what they want to do, but i’m not too worried about that. the important thing is that i keep my hope for the future. three years ago, i know i could not have looked at my future in such light. it was overwhelming and ominous. now, i don’t have to worry about it because i know that God is in charge of it. all i know is that He has a perfect plan for my life, and just need to follow His will. over the past three years, i have really come to rediscover myself as a person. i think i can say that i have come away stronger and more mature. i have learned a lot of really important lessons and gained strong values that i know will carry me for the rest of my life. i now believe that i can face whatever comes my way, because i am facing it with God. there are so many pages of my life yet to be written, and i cannot even begin to imagine what the future has in store, but i can’t wait!

oh, if i had only kept these words at the forefront of my mind throughout the years. i have ‘lost’ myself more times than i care to admit. but i’ve also probably never been as far gone as i felt. i just forget sometimes. or i get uncomfortable with the ‘real’ me that i see, and so i hide. identity isn’t some big discovery. it’s just learning to be okay with who you are.

becoming comfortable in your own skin inevitably involves some growing pains. until i figure it out, you can find me in the kitchen ...