Tuesday, September 11, 2012

hope ... revisited ...

i was looking back at my post from september 11th last year, and was struck by how much it applied to my life right now ... so here it is again, slightly shortened & revised.

this morning started in much the same way as it did 11 years ago ... clear blue skies, crisp morning air with the promise of fall.  but suddenly it all seemed so wrong.  however, allowing our lives to come to a screeching halt is exactly what the terrorists (and satan) would have wanted.  they thought that attacking our ideals, and some of our precious lives with them, would bring our nation to its knees.

it did.  just not in the way they had hoped.  they didn’t account for our hope.

i think about job. God allowed satan to take almost everything that was precious to job - his children, his servants, his possessions, and even his health. but the one thing satan could not take was job’s faith. despite all that happened, job refused to curse God.

when an enemy comes against us, they will try and strike us in every way that they think will get to us.  they think that if they attack who we are, then they can take away Whose we are.


but they cannot.  unless we let them. 

i have to admit that i have let them.  i am sad to say that i have even cursed God.  i forgot that i am not who others think or say that i am.  i forgot that i must choose to rise above.
the hope that rose in the midst of such devastation, more than anything, is what sticks with me about that horrible day.  and it is what compels me to do the same.


"let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.” (hebrews 10:23)

Saturday, July 21, 2012

lest we forget ...

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I can’t believe that tonight marks 4 weeks since everything changed.  Most of you know what’s been going on with my mom.  In the face of a disheartening diagnosis, it is far too easy to forget all the ways that God has already moved in the situation … to forget who God is.  We have a long road ahead of us, but here is a testimony of all that God did that weekend, and continues to do, so that we may not lose heart or hope as we walk out our faith each day.
I was scheduled to have a heart cath done on Friday afternoon, and my mom decided to drive into town for the procedure.  I told her that was fine, but warned her that a number of my friends would be in town so I would probably be busy with that Friday morning & Saturday during the day.  That being said, she still may have stayed in town through Sunday had it not been for the next miracle.  
All of my friends were coming in town for a weekend-long Amy Grant event.  I could not afford to attend the event myself, but was just excited to have all my friends together in my town for several days.  Then, on Thursday, a last-minute anonymous scholarship was offered to me, making it possible for me to attend.  This was a miracle for me personally because of the healing it represented.  It was also a miracle for my mom because it solidified her decision to leave town early Saturday afternoon since I would now be busy Friday night and from Saturday afternoon through Sunday.
On the day of my procedure, I couldn’t eat or drink anything after 7am.  I prayed that I wouldn’t be overly hungry and that my blood sugar wouldn’t bottom out.  This is a small request in the big scheme of things, but even with the procedure starting later than planned, I felt great all day.  Right before we left for the procedure, they called to say that their equipment wasn’t functioning properly and that they needed to reschedule for Monday.  This complicated my plans for Friday and Monday, and complicated things for my mom who wanted to get back and take care of things at home, not to mention leaving her in Nashville when everything went down. 
The next miracle came when the hospital called back to say that the guy working on the equipment would be done within the hour, and that they could do the procedure after all.  So we headed to the hospital, along with two dear friends, one of whom used to work at that very hospital.  As she met those who would be working on me, she discovered that she could not have handpicked a better team.  They were all nurses she had worked with in the past and of whom she thought very highly, and the doctor was highly recommended by all she asked.
Going into the procedure, I asked for as little medication as possible so I would be up to attending that evening’s concert.  The doctor told me I could try doing it with nothing at all so I decided to give it a go.  My body’s natural pain response totally took over and I experienced only slight discomfort.  The procedure went very smoothly and quickly, and everything came back normal.  It’s frustrating to still have no answers, but I continue to trust God, His timing & ultimately His healing.
I was released a short time later, and after resting for a little while and some dinner, had a great evening of music with friends.  The next day, my mom and I had a quiet morning at the house, spent a couple hours at the pool, and then she headed back to Cincinnati.  She made it back around 9pm.  My brother Rob was there but left soon after.  It was just a short time later that she was incapacitated by a blinding headache.  My dad was out of town, but for whatever reason, she didn’t call him right when she got in, so then when he couldn’t get a hold of her for their ritual nightly call, he knew that something was wrong.  
My dad called my brother and told him to go back to the house.  “I just left there and she was fine,” was his reply.  “I don’t care.  Something’s wrong.”  Then he called the neighbors and asked them to go check on my mom.  There just happened to be some cops right across the street attending to a parked car that had been hit, so they alerted them to the situation and together they banged on the door.  The dog was going crazy, but there was no answer.  When the neighbors used the spare key to open the door, they could see my mom lying on the ground, but the dog wouldn’t let them get in.  The cops called the paramedics, and they got to the house about the same time as Rob.  He corralled the dog so they could attend to my mom, and then he followed the ambulance to the hospital.  
They did a CAT scan right away and discovered a large brain bleed for which they knew surgery would be necessary.  A few hours later they did an MRI, and what they saw led them to do surgery immediately.  My other brother, Phil, who was in Athens, Ohio had called his girlfriend, who was in Kansas City.  She called her parents, who live on the East Side of Cincinnati.  Her dad, an ENT surgeon called his friend, Dr. Shibobbian, a well-known neurosurgeon who had already worked on Rob and my dad, and asked him to do my mom’s surgery.  Her mom, whom my parents had never even met, stayed the night with Rob at the hospital.  This was all after 10pm on a Saturday.
All of that to say, it is a miracle that she is still alive.  And it is a miracle that it did not do more damage.
My mom came out of surgery around 6:30am on Sunday morning, less than 9 hours after everything started.  My dad got to the hospital around 1pm, and she was already awake, talking and even joking. We are praising God for the huge improvements she has been making daily since then.  On Sunday, she couldn’t lift her left arm or leg.  On Monday, she had regained much of her strength, but had very little dexterity or sensation.  Tuesday, her dexterity had improved – she was even able to pluck and put on makeup :)  She was eating, sitting up in a chair, and doing some walking with assistance.  Friday, they moved her down to the rehab floor where she stayed for 10 days.  She came home this past Tuesday, July 10th and started her chemo pills and radiation treatments Monday, July 16th.  
Through it all, she has remained very sharp mentally.  Everyone was shocked at how good she looked and was doing.  She is getting stronger every day, adjusting well to life at home, and made it through her first week of treatments and rehab with flying colors.  This past Wednesday, she even went back to work for a few hours.
  
Doctors are of course keeping a close eye on things, but we are just taking things one day at a time, and in the midst of difficult circumstances, may we continually remember and testify of His goodness, and never cease to believe in His ability to perform miracles.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

let love win ...


i’ve heard a lot of people say that last year was one of their hardest and that they were looking toward 2012 with great expectation for new and exciting things. when i stop and think about it, 2011 was actually probably one of the best years i’ve ever had. yet, as it came to a close, i was left with a very bad taste in my mouth and very little anticipation for the new year. this was very unlike me and i hated feeling this way. i knew that a lot of it had to do with me not dealing with and being obedient to what i was hearing God say. and i knew that i could only hold things at bay for so long. but i kept plowing ahead and sweeping my growing discontent under the rug.

then today i went for a run. alone. that was the last thing i wanted to do. but i also got the sense that it was what i needed. so i laced up my shoes and headed out the door. “something’s gotta give,” i thought. i didn’t want to need a big emotional moment to turn things around. i just wanted the humility to start taking steps back in the right direction. “God, i need to hear from You. bring me to the end of myself,” i prayed.


as i reflected on the little hurts and disappointments that i had allowed to take root and grow over the past several months,
the song ‘brand new day’ by fireflight came on my ipod:
I'm holding on

To things I shouldn't

It's time to let them go

I've been on a losing streak

Hit so hard I couldn't speak
But when I hear Your voice it fades away


He was already starting.

i ran past a house with a little yappy dog that has chased after me on more than one occasion. today i made it past the driveway without him noticing, but then he bolted from the porch and barked at me emphatically from the other side of the fence until i had passed. i pushed on up the hill, thinking i was home free. then the next thing i knew he was right behind me, at my ankles. i whirled around and screamed “GO HOME!” at the top of my lungs. he backed down and i took several steps in his direction, scaring him off further. it was then i noticed that the horses in the pasture next to where this was all taking place had not been startled by the commotion but were actually walking towards us ... toward the dog. they were intervening. i continued backing up the hill while the dog stayed put, clearly intimidated by the horses. after a few more barks, he turned and headed home.

tears filled my eyes as the full weight of what had happened began to sink in. the image is etched in my mind. like those horses, God is waiting to intervene. but i have to do my part. i can't sneak past my little demons anymore, and i can't just endure their annoyance from afar. they had caught up to me and i needed to turn and face them with all my might, or they were sure to take a chunk out of me.


as i continued on, the next lines in the song were:

And I can hear You say

It's a brand new day
The pain goes away

I'm headed for the door ...

Your love, it burns

Away my darkness

You guide me when I'm blind

You are the light

That shines inside me

Showing me
I'm
So much more

my spirits lifted. each song that came on was exactly what i needed to hear, but it all comes down to this from ‘the hunger’ -

Do you want to spend your whole life jaded?

Stuck in a rut that you created

Why don't you break the cycle?

Let love win


will i let love win? that’s the choice i have to make in the new year. it’s not going to be easy, and it’s probably not going to be pretty. but like this line from dierks bentley’s new song ‘home’ that i heard for the first time today -

Free, nothing feels like free
Though it sometimes means we don't get along

Cause same, no we're not the same

But that’s what makes us strong