this is now!

“to my detriment, i tend to trust and have faith in people unless they have proven me otherwise.”

this is a line from the blog i posted sunday, which was originally written 4 1/2 years ago. it made me sad to remember that is truly how i used to be, and how much of that i have lost since moving to nashville. no matter how many times i had been hurt in the past, i managed to hold onto my basic - albeit naive - trust in other people. while it often took me a while to warm up, my heart was not so guarded or hardened.

the group 33miles released the song 'this is now' about the same time that i wrote my blog. though i had heard it many times before, i remember listening to it in the car one day as i cried out to God about how i had been betrayed by those i trusted, and was now watching my dreams slip through my fingers. it felt like He was speaking these words to my heart.

YOU WERE ALL ALONE
YOU WERE CONSTANTLY BROKEN
YOU FELT SO UNLOVED
YOU WERE LEFT ABANDONED

WHAT A DIFFERENCE LOVE CAN MAKE
TO THE DEEP HEARTBREAK BACK THEN

THIS IS NOW
THIS IS HOPE
THIS IS THE END OF A LONGING
THE BEGINNING OF A ROAD
TO A CHANGE,
WHERE EVERYTHING AROUND YOU,
NO LONGER FALLING DOWN
THIS IS NOW
THIS IS NOW

YOU'RE ALLOWED TO DREAM
YOU CAN THINK OF TOMORROW
YOU CAN SAY GOODBYE TO ALL OF YOUR SORROWS

THATS THE DIFFERENCE LOVE CAN MAKE
TO THE HURT YOU'VE HELD WITHIN

THIS IS NOW
THIS IS HOPE
THIS IS THE END OF A LONGING
THE BEGINNING OF A ROAD
TO A CHANGE
WHERE EVERY CHAIN AROUND YOU
NO LONGER HAS YOU BOUND
THIS IS NOW

God wanted to heal my heartbreak. He wanted me to dream. He wanted me to be free. but my walls were up, and it has taken me a long time to get back.

almost exactly a year ago, i heard them do that song at a show. the circumstances were so ridiculously ironic - surrounded by the same people who had hurt me so much 4 1/2 years ago - but this time there was hope. i wasn’t alone. i wasn’t broken. i wasn’t unloved or abandoned. love had truly made a difference to the heartbreak i had experienced back then. and though it feels like it’s been such a long time coming, i’m so thankful to be on the road to change.

i’m starting to dream. my sorrows are falling away. and so are the chains. i'm finding i can trust again.

and God promises the same for you.

my little mirrors ...

one of my favorite parts of being in the classroom is trying to figure out where kids fit. not that i ever want to stereotype or generalize, but it’s so interesting to guess which kids are (or will be) in which groups - popular vs. not popular, geeks, jocks, pretty, plain, wallflower, outcast - and why.

i find it particularly interesting because the groups definitely don’t seem as delineated as they did when i was in school. maybe that’s because i’m just not with most of them enough to really see them interact. or maybe that’s because the groups we fall into have more to do with our perceptions of ourselves and living up to perceived expectations. we’re dealt a certain hand of cards by our parents, and those are the ones we’re convinced that we have to play for the rest of our lives. but the good news is, we can choose to become more than who we’ve been.

but you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. you are royal priests, a holy nation, God’s very own possession. as a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for He called you out of the darkness into His wonderful light. once you had no identity as a people; now you are God’s people. once you received no mercy; now you have received God’s mercy. (1 peter 2:9-10)

my absolute favorite part of watching kids is deciding which one is most like me when i was that age, especially because it reminds me just how much God has saved me from. today was full of such reminders. i was the girl who was such a perfectionist that she had to stay in from recess to finish her work. i was the girl who got so upset with myself for getting a ‘b’ that i would do physical harm to myself. i was the girl who had to keep up with the boys. i was the girl who always argued with the teacher and other kids because i had to be right.

okay, so some of those still tend to be true, but by God’s grace He is bringing me out, painful lesson by painful lesson. i’m definitely not a fan of having to look at the crappy parts of myself, but seeing them in my young counterparts serves as good motivation to keep moving forward. it also helps me know how to pray more specifically for those students. as much as possible, i want them to be saved from my mistakes, my heartaches. i pray that their eyes be opened and their hearts be softened, just as i pray the same for myself as i interact with them each day. it’s easy to get so lost and worn out by the routine that i forget about the mission.

so let’s not get tired of doing what is good. at just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. (galatians 6:9)

may i always remember that there are precious little lives on the line.

bleach, a broom & belief ... part 2

*** in the first part of this post, i talked about losing yourself and the challenge of living as God has called in spite of the pain. in the second part, i talk about how He works in and through that pain ...

3) God is just as heartbroken as I am

I’ve wanted to hear Bethany Dillon’s newest release since it came out, but didn’t get my hands on it until this past weekend (not a coincidence). The album as a whole is what helped me turn the corner back to God initially, but this line from “New” is what softened my heart dramatically …

“You see all my pain, You cry over it for hours till I'm new again”

Somewhere along the line, I had forgotten that God does not enjoy inflicting pain on His children or stand by passively as they struggle. Not only does he record every tear …

Record my lament; list my tears on your scroll – are they not in your record? (Psalm 56:8)

… but He is also moved to tears on our behalf, desiring that our souls find peace in Him …

He wept over it and said, “If you had only known on this day what would bring you peace” (Luke 19:41-42)

I longed for that peace, but at the same time had been avoiding (imagine that) sorting through the emotions that I knew would be involved in getting there. There was so much anger in my heart, but I didn’t know whether I was more angry with myself, others, or God … and I didn’t really want to find out. When I finally forced myself to sit down and journal, I started by reading through some entries from two months ago …

“Two weeks ago it felt like my hopes and dreams were crashing down around me … I truly believe this was … a test from God to see if I would cling to His promises, what I know to be true in my heart, and press in instead of giving in to despair … There have been too many strategically placed occurrences in my life for me not to see God’s hand clearly moving. I don’t know where this is going, but am eager to hang on for the ride!”

… and when I got done all I could think was 1) what a freakin’ hypocrite, and 2) this ride SUCKS! So, that’s the frame of mind with which I began my journal entry, but fortunately, not where it ended. In the course of writing, I realized that the things I thought God was using to bring about positive changes in one area of my life were actually about breaking me down …

He tears me down on every side till I am gone; He uproots my hope like a tree. (Job 19:10)

… and seeing if I would still trust and believe Him with a MUCH bigger area of my life. It was SUCH a relief to realize that I was more angry with God than with myself or anyone else, and I went to bed with a light heart for the first time in weeks. Granted, things are far from resolved, but I actually trust God with my heart again and believe that the damage is not irreparable.

“Thank you, God, for Your faithfulness in bringing me at least a glimpse of the hope for which I long, and help me remember that hope is not nearly as sweet without first experiencing the despair.”

facing the giants ...

yesterday was my church’s last day in the building where they’ve held their services for the past 6 1/2 years. what a strange mixture of emotions that involved. i know that church is not about a building, but about the people that occupy it. still, i’m such a sentimental fool. my first sunday in nashville was their grand opening in the main auditorium, so it’s all i’ve ever known here. my time in nashville has been the most transformational 6 years of my life, and most of that would not be possible without my new river family. i started attending without knowing a soul, which was a really big deal for me, but it felt like home and i’ve just made so many memories in the building over the years that it was hard to leave.

but leaving the building doesn’t mean leaving the memories. i get to carry those with me. and i get to make new ones, in a new place. this past year has been about healing, so it seems fitting to start this next season with a clean slate. i remember with deep gratitude all that God has done, while looking forward with great expectation to all that He will do!

but, for old times’ sake, i dug up my notes from MAX LUCADO speaking on grand opening sunday.

*Facing Giants*
(1 samuel 17)

- david didn’t come looking for giants to fight; he was just being obedient to his father
- what do giants look like?
~ dominate the landscape
~ intimidate the people
~ contaminate their hopes
- how are you handling your giant?
~ if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always gotten
~ david had to use a different strategy to defeat goliath

5 stones ... just look at your hand

THUMB - PAST
- draw strength from looking at the past
- david’s past victories brought him peace
- (stress hampers memory)

POINTER - PRAYER
pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere. (ephesians 6:18)
- don’t face the giant without facing God first
- takes us from the cell of this earth and gives us a glimpse of God’s goodness
- choose to turn your focus from worry to God

RING - PRIORITY
- realize that the only thing on the line is God’s reputation; He will not allow His name to be defamed
- we are not promised a life without giants; only that God will fight them with you
this day the LORD will deliver you up into my hands ... for the battle is the LORD’S and He will give you into our hands. (1 samuel 17:46a & 47b)

RING - PASSION
then it happened when the philistine rose and came and drew near to meet david, that david ran quickly toward the battle line to meet the philistine. (1 samuel 17:48)
- when was the last time you ran toward your giant and said ‘enough! you don’t get me today because God already has me!’
- don’t be afraid of that which God has already claimed, promised & defeated

PINKIE - PERSISTENCE
- being prepared if your first stone doesn’t quite work

this is a good reminder for our body as we move forward. we must draw strength from the past, using it to propel us toward whatever the future may hold for us, confident that God is fighting with us, and will maintain the reputation of His name. and above all, we must never give up!

bleach, a broom & belief ... part 1

***a day spent celebrating = pulling out my first ever blog post from way back when ...

Cleaning is therapeutic … I mean, who needs a couch when you have bleach and a broom? Aside from this groundbreaking realization, I realized several other things while cleaning the apartment and office this past weekend …

1) Repression is NOT mutually exclusive …

Unfortunately, when you … okay, when I … attempt to avoid one or more select emotions or parts of myself, I’ve discovered that I tend to lose touch with most or all of how I feel, and ultimately, who I am. So when I try to avoid rejection, anger, and disillusionment, or even enthusiasm and anticipation because of their possible negative outcomes, I also relinquish my joy and hope and peace. To be honest, the tradeoff is not really worth it and, in the end, the emotions I’m trying to avoid tend to win out anyway. And, by the time they do, I’m usually too far gone for the getting back to resemble anything close to easy. It’s amazing how quickly this process can occur. And it’s amazing what a seemingly insignificant event can precipitate the occurrence. In a matter of days, hours … even minutes … I have completely lost sight of all I thought I knew and held dear, which brings me to realization #2 …

2) God does not expect us to stand alone in living as He has called …

The Kingdom of heaven belongs to children (Matthew 19:14) … and children, by virtue, are innocent … but if you live innocently in today’s world, you’ll be eaten alive … huh …

To my detriment, I tend to trust and have faith in people unless they have proven me otherwise, forgetting that most everyone else lives by quite the opposite paradigm. I was unpleasantly reminded of my foolishness several times last week, and now I don’t know who or what to trust anymore, least of all myself. And in the midst of losing myself, I also managed to lose the only people and things I actually COULD trust. I seriously began to wonder what the point of living innocently was … turns out that David felt the same way …

Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence. (Psalm 73:13)

But then I realized that our call to live innocently does not end with how we live. It is because of their innocence that children have parents to watch out for them … as do we. God has not asked us to be innocent without promising to be there as our Rock and Redeemer (Psalm 19:14b) when we stumble as a result …

For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. (Psalm 116:8)

Also in chapter 19 (vv.7–8), I was reminded that when I don’t feel like I can trust anything else, God remains trustworthy, and that when avoidance has stripped me of all emotion, He will restore the joy to my heart …

The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy

making wise the simple.

The precepts of the Lord are right,

giving joy to the heart.

… because, as I discovered in my next point, it is not God’s desire for His children to remain in despair …

psalm 107 ... let the redeemed of the Lord SAY SO!!!

i just love rediscovering parts of scripture for the first time all over again.

psalm 107 might be by new favorite passage. it’s so incredibly encouraging, and such a good reminder to ‘say so’ because of all that God has done for me. (vv. 1-32, 43)

Oh give thanks to the LORD, for He is good, for His lovingkindness is everlasting. Let the redeemed of the LORD say so, whom He has redeemed from the hand of the adversary. And gathered from the lands, from the east and from the west, from the north and from the south.

They wandered in the wilderness in a desert region; they did not find a way to an inhabited city. They were hungry and thirsty; their soul fainted within them. 



Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble; He delivered them out of their distresses. He led them also by a straight way, to go to an inhabited city.

Let them give thanks to the LORD for His lovingkindness, and for His wonders to the sons of men! For He has satisfied the thirsty soul, and the hungry soul He has filled with what is good.

There were those who dwelt in darkness and in the shadow of death, prisoners in misery and chains, because they had rebelled against the words of God and spurned the counsel of the Most High ... 



Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble; He saved them out of their distresses. He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death and broke their bands apart.



Let them give thanks to the LORD for His lovingkindness, and for His wonders to the sons of men! For He has shattered gates of bronze and cut bars of iron asunder.

Fools, because of their rebellious way, and because of their iniquities, were afflicted. Their soul abhorred all kinds of food, and they drew near to the gates of death. 



Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble; He saved them out of their distresses. He sent His word and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions. 



Let them give thanks to the LORD for His lovingkindness, and for His wonders to the sons of men! Let them also offer sacrifices of thanksgiving, and tell of His works with joyful singing.

Those who go down to the sea in ships, who do business on great waters; they have seen the works of the LORD, and His wonders in the deep. For He spoke and raised up a stormy wind, which lifted up the waves of the sea. They rose up to the heavens, they went down to the depths; their soul melted away in their misery. They reeled and staggered like a drunken man, and were at their wits’ end. 



Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and He brought them out of their distresses. He caused the storm to be still, so that the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad because they were quiet, so He guided them to their desired haven. 



Let them give thanks to the LORD for His lovingkindness, and for His wonders to the sons of men! Let them extol Him also in the congregation of the people, and praise Him at the seat of the elders.

if you feel like you are wandering in the desert, alone and in need of sustenance, cry out to Him and He will deliver you. if you feel like you are surrounded by the darkness of death and captivity, cry out to Him and He will save you. if you feel like your own sin and rebellion have led you into destruction, you can STILL cry out to Him and He will save you. if you feel like you are being tossed by the waves in any area of life and are at your wits‘ end, cry out to Him and He will bring you out.

He wants to redeem us, fill us, free us, deliver us, and quiet us. We need only cry out to Him.



Who is wise? Let him give heed to these things, and consider the lovingkindnesses of the LORD.

waiting on the shore ...

i’m returning to john 6, and a portion of the passage that jumped out at me after writing monday night.

after feeding the 5,000 it says, “that evening Jesus’ disciples went down to the shore to wait for Him. but as darkness fell and Jesus still hadn’t come back, they got into the boat and headed across the lake toward capernaum. soon a gale swept down upon them, and the sea grew very rough. they had rowed three or four miles when suddenly they saw Jesus walking on the water toward the boat. they were terrified, but he called out to them, “don’t be afraid. I am here!” then they were eager to let him in the boat, and immediately they arrived at their destination! (john 6:16-21)

how often are we just like the disciples. we are ready to cross over to the other side of our dreams, but instead of sticking with Jesus and staying about His business, we head down to the shore ahead of Him, waiting aimlessly. then things start getting dark. we wonder if Jesus is ever going to show up again. so we decide to cross over on our own, thinking we can do it without His help. unfortunately, this is usually when the storms arise in our lives and things start to get rough. we try and try in our own strength to get through the difficulties and to the other side, but with very little headway. and then Jesus shows up, right on time. of course, by this point, things feel so far gone that we’re afraid of what He will say or do. we’re ashamed of the mess we’ve gotten ourselves into. but Jesus, in His infinite kindness, graciously calms our fears and assures us of His presence. now we are more than ready to have Him in our boat. and now He is ready to bring us to the other side, free of turmoil and striving.

when we will learn that we can’t do it by ourselves? and why would we want to?

do you not know? have you not heard?
the everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscrutable. He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power. (isaiah 40:28-29)

when we have this kind of power available to us, why would we ever try to do it in our own strength?

for thus says the LORD, ‘when seventy years have been completed for babylon, i will visit you and fulfill My good word to you, to bring you back to this place. for I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.’ (jeremiah 29:11)

this may be cliche, but it's true. He has good things for us ... if only we will wait on Him. you might feel like you’ve been waiting forever, but He has not forgotten about you. even if you can’t see what He’s doing, know that His ultimate purposes are being carried out, and that He is working to fulfill His good word to you.

THAT is definitely worth the wait ...

fighting for a good day ...

some days are just good. you ‘wake up on the right side of the bed’ as they say. it’s friday. the sun is shining in a clear blue sky. you get ready super-quickly, giving you time to swing by your favorite coffee shop on the way to work, where you wind up getting a free drink. your boss is out of town, so your day is easy, and you spend all day looking forward to meeting friends after work.

and some days are just destined to be bad. it’s tuesday. you stayed up late working on a project, then sleep through your alarm. it’s raining and your umbrella is in the car. you spill coffee on your white shirt as you stumble out the door. traffic is awful. your boss yells at you as soon as you walk through the door. and you are already dreading having to stay late for a meeting.

but then there are days that could go either way. you wake up. you get ready. you go to work. you do your work. you go home. you eat dinner. you go to bed. it has its little annoyances, like any day. whether it becomes good or bad is entirely up to you.

you have to fight for it to be a good day.

at work, one of my little friends requires an extra measure of patience and ingenuity. it’s like getting a physical and mental workout every day. on good days, it’s so much easier to keep things from spiraling out of control. on bad days, it’s all i can do not to tear out my hair. but then there are those days that could go either way. they have many of the same annoyances and difficulties. it’s all about fighting to maintain a positive attitude and keep my head in the game. i still have to wrestle physically and mentally, but it’s worth it when i can still walk away from the day with a smile on my face.

at a football game last friday night, i watched what can happen when you don’t do this. the teams were fairly evenly matched. in the first quarter, our team made a series of silly little mistakes that allowed the other team to take the lead, but the game was far from lost. unfortunately, we let those annoyances and difficulties get the best of us. \we lost our positive attitude. we didn’t keep our heads in the game. we had a chance but let it slip through our fingers. things were over long before the final whistle ever blew.

how easily can a day get away from us like that before we even know what hit us? and how do you keep it from happening? it’s going into it saying, “God, i’m tired, and this is going to be hard. i’m going to need your help to get me through it.” you’ll probably still have to fight for the day to be good. however, i’ve found that the days that start out rough can become your best day ever because God showed up.

will you let Him?

the one true king ...

i went to see lion king on the big screen tonight. i’ve been looking forward to this since i first heard about its re-release to theaters over 6 months ago. so naturally, that is what tonight’s post will be about. it was so much fun singing and dancing (quietly in my seat, of course) along with all the songs i remember. but i was particularly struck by the exchange between rafiki (the baboon) and simba when rafiki comes to find simba and bring him back home.

Simba: Creepy little monkey. Will you stop following me? Who are you?
Rafiki: The question is - Whooo... are you?
Simba: I thought I knew. Now I'm not so sure.
Rafiki: Well, I know who you are. Shh. Come here. It's a secret.
Asante sana! Squash banana! We we nugu! Mi mi apana!
Simba: Enough already. what's that supposed to mean, anyway?
Rafiki: It means you are a baboon - and I'm not.
Simba: I think... you're a little confused.
Rafiki: Wrong. I'm not the one who's confused; you don't even know who you are. 

Simba: Oh, and I suppose you know?
Rafiki: Sure do; you're Mufasa's boy. ... Bye!
Simba: Hey, wait! You knew my father?
Rafiki: Correction-- I know your father.
Simba: I hate to tell you this, but... he died. A long time ago.
Rafiki: Nope. Wrong again! Ha ha hah! He's alive! And I'll show him to you. You follow old Rafiki, he knows the way. Come on! {Rafiki motions to Simba near some reeds. He parts the reeds and points past them with his staff.}

Rafiki: Look down there.

{Simba quietly and carefully works his way out. He looks over the edge and sees his reflection in a pool of water.}

Simba: That's not my father. That's just my reflection.

Rafiki: Noo. Look harder.
{Rafiki motions over the pool. Ripples form, distorting Simba's reflection; they resolve into Mufasa's face.} You see, he lives in you.

{Simba is awestruck. The wind picks up. In the air the huge image of Mufasa is forming from the clouds.}

Mufasa: {Quietly at first} Simba . . .

Simba: Father?

Mufasa: Simba, you have forgotten me.

Simba: No. How could I?

Mufasa: You have forgotten who you are, and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba. You are more than what you have become. 

Simba: How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be.

Mufasa: Remember who you are. You are my son, and the one true king.


how quickly and easily we forget who we are. we spend so much time and energy running away from our past, and the distorted image it gives us of ourselves, that who we’ve become is only a shadow of our true identities. sometimes, we need a little help remembering. but if you are in Christ, all it takes is a good, hard look at your reflection. at first, all you can see is yourself ... and being well-acquainted with yourself, that’s not a pretty picture. but if you look (and listen) very carefully, the image reflected will be less you, and more the One who lives inside of you.

when we forget who we are, it means we are forgetting God. that’s a pretty weighty accusation. we’re saying that we don’t believe what He says, and therefore who He is. or sometimes we can’t stand to really look and listen because we are ashamed of our pasts and don’t think we are living up to our potential. but as rafiki pointed out later, our past doesn’t matter because it’s behind us. it may still hurt, “but you can either run from it, or... learn from it.”

genesis 1:27 tells us that “God created human beings in his own image. in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” and not only that, but we “are a chosen people. you are royal priests, a holy nation, God’s very own possession. as a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for He called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light.” (1 peter 2:9)

if we remember who we are - God’s children and royalty - then we can step into our destinies. He has called us out of the darkness of our pasts and asked us to bring His goodness to those in a dying land ... just like simba brought life back to pride rock!

when the process IS the purpose ...

sunday night at lifegroup we were having a discussion about the interaction between Jesus and philip before He fed the 5,000. “Jesus soon saw a huge crowd of people coming to look for him. turning to philip, he asked, ‘where can we buy bread to feed all these people?’ he was testing philip, for he already knew what he was going to do.’ philip replied, ‘even if we worked for months, we wouldn’t have enough money to feed them!” (john 6:5-7)

not that He’s trying to trick us, but God will often put us in situations to test our faith. He wants to know if we will turn to Him, trusting that He can come through, or if we will rely on our own strength. the observation made that night was how God isn’t as worried about how we ‘perform’ on a specific task, but what we will learn through the process. the next morning on the radio, one of the dj’s was quoted as saying, “God is more interested in what we are becoming than in where we are going.” that sounded familiar. then, i got to school and saw this posted on one of the teacher’s walls -


apparently God is trying to get something across.

how often, when faced with trials, do we automatically hope for deliverance. it goes against everything in our nature to just be okay with staying where we are - to just sit in our pain and submit to what God wants us to learn instead of jumping to the end of the journey and missing the lesson.

it’s like the song ‘right now’ written by christy burnham of undue favor.

would it be ok, if I asked you to stay - right where you are?
would you say yes to me, if all I wanted you to be, was right where you are?

never promised easy street, got to bend down and meet people, right where they are
i'd give you humble grace if you'd meet them in that place - right where they are
to follow through
when it's hard to do
and die to you
the higher call
to remain small - don't move at all

even though philip didn’t exactly ‘pass’ the test, Jesus was more concerned about what philip and the other disciples would learn by watching Him perform the miracle. and it was a lesson He was willing to teach over and over until they truly believed. the same is true for us. God asks that we be willing to stay right where He has placed us, for as long as it takes, to learn whatever it is He is trying to teach us.

we all want to arrive, like, yesterday. but what if enduring the pain is greater than anything we could ever accomplish? what if the process is actually the purpose?

just enough is more than enough ...

the second grade at my school is raising butterflies. they started off as tiny caterpillars, in little plastic cups with a layer of food at the bottom, and have been getting bigger and bigger, seemingly right before our eyes. they’ve now begun to spin their silk in preparation for becoming a chrysalis, some of them already suspended in mid-air.


what struck me today is how much food still remains in the bottom of each cup. it’s amazing how they each know exactly when they’re supposed to move on to the next stage of their development, without worrying about what it seems they are leaving behind. they don’t overindulge, but eat only what they need to reach their fullest potential. can you imagine what would happen if a caterpillar just kept eating and eating? he would miss out on becoming what he was created to be.

it makes me think about the story of Jesus feeding the 5,000. john 6 says that the people “all ate as much as they wanted” and that the leftovers they collected filled 12 baskets. i could be wrong, but it doesn’t seem like 5,000 men + women and children would have had a hard time finishing off 12 baskets of leftovers. the crowd left full, with just enough remaining for the disciples. but it still wasn’t enough.

they continued to follow Jesus relentlessly, but He calls them out, saying “‘i tell you the truth, you want to be with me because i fed you, not because you understood the miraculous signs. but don’t be so concerned about perishable things like food.’ they replied, ‘we want to perform God’s works, too. what should we do?’ Jesus told them, ‘this is the only work God wants from you: believe in the one He has sent.’ they answered, ‘show us a miraculous sign if you want us to believe in you. what can you do?’” (john 6:26-27, 29-30)

what can you do? really?!?! are they not the ones who had just eaten until they were full from only 5 loaves of bread and 2 fishes? it’s ironic that the argument they used for Jesus to perform more miracles was their ancestors, who had learned that God would give them just enough manna for each day.

and He is just what we need for each day now. Jesus replied, “I am the bread of life. whoever comes to me will never be hungry again. whoever believes in me will never be thirsty. but you haven’t believed in me even though you have seen me." (john 6:35-36)

their appetites were insatiable because they weren’t eating the thing that could truly fill their souls. Jesus was asking them to move on to their next stage of development - belief in Him - but they were like caterpillars who kept eating and eating, missing out on becoming who they were created to be. they were so caught up in their pasts and limited understandings that they couldn’t grasp what was right in front of them.

don’t be like the crowds following Jesus, seeking Him, but so stuck in their disbelief that they were never satisfied. be like the caterpillars who have discovered that just enough is more than enough when it comes to becoming who they were made to be.

"my finest year ..."

i love looking back. this time of year has such strong, bitterly sweet memories for me. what an incredible picture of God’s redemption, taking something that could be so painful and turning it into evidence of His glory.

at this time last year i wrote “do i believe that God can bring me through this?”

reading that now, it almost makes me laugh. i honestly wasn’t sure that i believed He could. i certainly wasn’t acting like it. i was at the end of my rope ... again. after struggling with vulnerability for pretty much my entire life - trying but never finding deliverance - i was having a really hard time holding onto hope.

then God bombarded me with confirmation after confirmation and started me on a path to freedom and joy beyond my wildest imagination.

He had been driving home the message of love and trust through bebo norman’s new album. i turned on the radio and they were having a discussion about intimacy. next, God gave me a picture of a person walking round and round a tree, carrying a backpack, closed in by a stone wall. i knew that person was me, but i didn’t know what to do with it. shortly after i went to a local young adult worship service called emanate, where the speaker talked about song of solomon 2 and changing seasons. she touched on being afraid of change and intimacy, and how only God can bring down the walls that we keep butting our heads against. then she said something that got my attention - if we aren’t willing to do the work, then we’ll just keep running around the same tree.

ouch.

leaving the service that night, this song by wilson phillips came on the radio. i don’t think anything could have summed up my situation any more perfectly.

"Hold On"
I know there is pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Don't ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind, mmm
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?

Chorus
Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you gonna let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day

You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin' your worries pass you by
Baby don't you think it's worth your time
To change your mind?

Chorus

I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day
And you break free from the chains
Yeah I know that there is pain
But you hold for one more day
And you break free right from the chains

if it feels like you’ve been walking around the same tree over and over, stuck in a cycle of brokenness, know that there is a way out. there is freedom from your chains. i just found a thank you note from a friend during this same time a year ago in which she wrote, “i pray that this is your finest year full of breakthrough and blessings!” who knew how prophetic those words would be?! i’m not saying that i’ve arrived, but i’m so thankful that i kept holding on. the way that God has changed my mind has definitely been worth the time.

as it says in song of solomon 2:11-12, “look, the winter is past, and the rains are over and gone. the flowers are springing up, the season of singing birds has come, and the cooing of turtledoves fills the air.”

(still believing for that last part ;)

can you love too much?

loving too much, holding on too tight = have a good heart, need to learn to use it

i don’t remember the circumstances surrounding my thought process at the time, but i saved this line in a word document some time ago with the intent of blogging about it. when i found it again yesterday, it made me cock my head in contemplation.

is it possible to love too much - too deeply?

i speak from personal experience when i say that loving deeply can easily become an excuse for a lack of boundaries - and is what hurts, not helps build relationships. instead, i have been learning to look to Jesus as my example. His circle of friends was very small. there were the twelve disciples, his mother, martha, mary, lazarus. He wasn’t best friends with everyone, and He didn’t feel an obligation to give of Himself to everyone He met, or even to His closest friends. He had no problem offering what someone needed, then moving on. and He certainly had no problem speaking the truth, no matter how difficult.

and yet, you can’t say that Jesus didn’t love deeply. Jesus WAS love.

perhaps the answer can be found in the contrast between two of Jesus’ closest friends. in luke 10:39-42 it says that “mary sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught. but martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing. she came to Jesus and said, ‘Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while i do all the work? tell her to come and help me.’ but the Lord said to her, ‘my dear martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! there is only one thing worth being concerned about. mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.’”

it’s not that martha didn’t have the right motives. i’m sure she did what she did out of a deep love for her friends and family. she would probably argue that everything she did actually proved that her love was deeper. and it also doesn’t mean that being hospitable and caring for your home are not important. but Jesus asserts that it was mary, not martha, who had discovered the more important thing.

martha had a good heart. she just needed to learn how to use it. she needed to learn how to JUST BE in relationship - no clinging, no striving, no expectations.

the woman who poured perfume on Jesus’ feet (luke 7) is an example of deep, yet appropriate love. while the expression of her love did involve an action, it came from a place of deep appreciation, with nothing attached and nothing expected in return.

so i guess it depends on how you’re defining love. 1 corinthians 13 says that love is patient, kind, not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. it does not demand its own way, is not irritable and keeps no record of being wronged. it does not rejoice about injustice, but rejoices when truth wins out. it never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

martha’s love didn’t exactly exhibit 1 corinthians 13. when love becomes holding on - whether to a person or to your idea of what something should be - instead of letting go, it ceases being love as God defines it. loving deeply isn’t wrong. it just needs to be defined the right way.

winds of change ...

as quickly as trials can seem to descend upon our lives, they can be just as swiftly - and completely - removed.

the egyptians were being afflicted with plague after plague because pharaoh refused to free the israelites from their slavery. the remnants from some of the plagues lingered, like the blood and the frogs, the death of livestock, the boils, and the hail. the land stunk, people and animals died, and they lost their crops. but there are two plagues that specifically mention being completely removed - the flies and the locusts.

and the LORD changed the wind to a very strong west wind, which caught up the locusts and carried them into the red sea. not a locust was left anywhere in egypt. (exodus 10:19)

that doesn’t mean that the damage they inflicted did not have long-term ramifications. it says that locusts covered the ground until it was black, and that nothing green was left in the land when they were finished. but in this case, God answered pharaoh’s prayer for the plague to be removed. with something as seemingly simple as shifting winds, the thing that brought such widespread devastation on the land was removed. the effects remained, but the tangible reminder was gone.

and although He’s speaking about different circumstances, i don’t think it’s an accident that in joel 2:25, God promises “i will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten.” even when we feel that a situation is too far gone to be redeemed - that there has been far too much damage done - God is in the business of restoring lives to their previous glory. joel goes on to say:

you will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the LORD your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be shamed. then you will know that I am in israel, that I am the LORD your God, and that there is no other; never again will my people be shamed. (vv. 26-27)

wouldn’t it be just like the Lord to allow all sorts of troubles, just so He can blow them away with one tiny poof from His gargantuan lungs, proving that there is truly no one else like Him. okay, that may seem a bit arbitrary. we’re not little pawns in an eternal chess game where God does whatever He wants with us just so He can come out on top.

but the point is, when we’re so buried in difficult circumstances that it doesn’t seem possible to recover from them, the Lord takes pity on His people (joel 2:18). and He promises not once, but twice, that His people will not be put to shame. ultimately, it is not our name, but His on the line, and He is intent on His glory being made evident. so when facing a season of unparalleled adversity, we can rest assured knowing that God is accomplishing His purposes.

but I have raised you [pharaoh] up for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth. (exodus 9:16)

God revealed Himself to pharaoh just as much through sending the plagues as He did through taking them away. in our lives, He makes Himself known through the difficult times, as well as through the redeeming of those times.

take heart - a strong west wind is coming.

whose side are you on?

a person’s last words are usually pretty important.

“my prayer is not for them alone. i pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and i am in you. may they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. i have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— i in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity.” (john 17:20-23)

these words are the last part of what Jesus prayed as He waited to be arrested before His crucifixion. that probably means this was a pretty big deal for Him. so if one of - if not THE - greatest desires of Jesus’ heart was for His followers to be united, wouldn’t it be reasonable to expect the greatest focus of satan’s attacks to be destroying that unity? if unity is what causes the world to believe that Jesus was sent by God, then i imagine satan would spend a great deal of his time and energy trying to sabotage it.

and what’s the best way to destroy unity?

enter the green-eyed monster.

i’m writing this with an episode of ‘how i met your mother’ on in the background, and guess what i just realized that it’s about? yup - jealousy. it ruins friendships, marriages, parent/child relationships, work environments, and yes, churches. we can’t see the reality of a situation because we get so caught up in vying for position. and sometimes we’re worried about the most insignificant things, like hair, or body type. can you just imagine how powerful Christians could be if we were able to present a united front in these areas instead of being divided over petty differences. don’t you see that when we let that happen, we’re letting satan get his way.

the Bible is full of examples. joseph’s brothers are jealous that their father likes him more than them, so they throw him in a pit and leave him for dead. they think that getting rid of joseph will keep his dreams from coming true, and foil God’s plans. saul is jealous of david because all the people like him better, so he tries to kill david and forces him into hiding. saul thinks that if he gets rid of david, then david won’t be able to take his rightful place as king. the pharisees are jealous that Jesus is making ‘their’ rules and regulations obsolete, so they come up with a plan to crucify Him. they think that getting rid of Jesus will keep God’s ultimate plan for salvation from succeeding.

it’s a good thing we know the end of the story. and it’s a good thing that no scheme of man (or satan) can ever thwart God’s purposes.

as joseph says when he is reunited with his brothers, “you intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” (genesis 50:20)

God’s goal is always the saving of lives. and He is going to accomplish that, no matter how hard satan might try to keep us apart. it might not go the way we had hoped or planned. we might make it more difficult for ourselves than it needs to be. but it will be a whole lot easier if we do it together, instead of against each other.

what do you need to lay aside so you stop working on satan’s side?

are you a dirty dog?

i had the pleasure of reading harry, the dirty dog with one of my kiddos today. for those of you who are unfamiliar, harry is a cute little white dog with black spots that loves everything ... except baths. to avoid the dreaded torture, harry steals the scrub brush, buries it in the backyard, and then runs away from home. he proceeds to traipse across town, getting into trouble in all the messiest places possible - tar, coal, smoke. by the end, he’s so dirty that he’s black with white spots instead.

then harry starts wondering if his family misses him at all, and decides to head back home. but when he gets there, his family doesn’t recognize him. he does his normal tricks, but they still don’t believe that it’s him. so he digs up the scrub brush and shows them that he wants to take a bath. that’s certainly not something that harry ever would have done. but as the water washes away the layers of dirt, they soon discover that the dirty dog is truly their beloved harry, home again, safe and sound. all clean, he can curl up on his bed, resting securely in the presence of those that love him.

for me, the story quickly became about much more than just a dirty dog and his family. it made me think about how we can sometimes run away from the ones whom we love the most, and who love us the most, just because they ask us to do something that makes us uncomfortable, even if it is for our own good.

we run off on our own, thinking we know better. it might be fun at the time, but we wind up looking like tainted representations of ourselves. by the time we come back, our loved ones don’t even recognize us any more. we can say and do the right things, but they still don’t really believe that it’s us. it’s not until we are willing to humbly submit ourselves to their love and care - no matter how uncomfortable it might be at the time - that we can fully come clean and enter into the fullness of relationship again.

our family and true friends like us just the way we are, and miss us when we’re gone, or when we become anything other than ourselves. our identity doesn’t change, no matter how many layers of foolish wandering we may accumulate, but we become hard to recognize when we’re living out a life not our own. the truth is, things are going to be hard whether we’re at home or out seeking new adventures. we have to learn to be content right where we are, difficulties and all. in the end, the peace that comes from resting securely among those who love us is far greater than the temporary pleasure of avoiding those difficulties.

if home is where the heart is, what a great gift it is for your heart also to be where you lay your head.

the dream never dies ...

the only thing more painful than having a dream die, is having it brought back to life, yet continuing to deal with the apparent impossibility of its fulfillment.

i kind of touched on this the other day, but wanted to explore it in a bit more depth.

recently, through a series of seemingly ordinary events, an old dream - one i thought had died - has bubbled back to the surface. then, an aptly-timed phone call from a friend brought with it a completely unexpected wave of fresh longing and emotion.

it’s like i’m a little girl all over again. except now i know the pain of longing for something that everyone tells you that you can’t have. now i know the shame of longing for something that everyone tells you that you shouldn’t want. believe me, after being burned so many times by so many different people - by close friends and so-called friends, by bosses and professionals, and it even felt like by God - i was more than willing to lay down my dream and walk away. i didn’t want anything more to do with the dark cloud of fear and doubt that had seemed to follow me everywhere - and most likely follows me still. i’ve become quite content living without that particular dream, going so far as convincing myself that i wasn’t a real dream in the first place.

so why would i want to go back?

because a dream is a dream.

a dream held in secret i yearned to hold openly
fanned by my hope into fire
it burned with such heat i could touch it no more
so i put it away and then closed up the door
forever extinguishing all that would keep it alive
but the dream never dies

there are all sorts of examples of this in the Bible. abraham & sarah. moses & the israelites. joseph. zacharias & elizabeth. just to name a few. all of them longed for the fulfillment of a seemingly impossible dream that God had placed within their hearts. other people - and their own hearts - told them it was foolish to hope for something so ridiculous. they were convinced that they had been forgotten. they were tempted to take things into their own hands. and they were tempted to give up. but it’s hard to completely forget what God has spoken.

in moments like these, God is looking to see if we will really trust Him, not only for the fulfillment, but also for the pain as we wait for the fulfillment. He is refining us, asking us to rely completely on Him.

isn't it just like the Lord to invite me
to put all my dreams in His hands
forever releasing the grip that once held them
forever surrendering my plans
and then when He's certain it's not born of men
He calls for the fire to rekindle again
and He asks me to know in my heart
what's not seen with my eyes
so the dreams never dies

i have certainly been guilty of trying to take things into my own hands, and needed to have some things pried from my grasp. it took the death of my dream for God to be able to work the way that He needed to in my life. now that He has seen fit to rekindle the dream, it is taking more faith than ever to believe Him for it ... to believe with my heart - to keep it open and not guarded - even though i can’t see with my eyes.

what dreams are you believing God for? what dreams have you seen die that He might want to bring back to life? are you willing to let Him do that, as painful as it might be?

9/11 ... holding onto hope.

9/11/01

everyone remembers where they were “when the world stopped turning.”

normally i would have heard about it as it was unfolding, since i wake up to a clock radio. but i had gotten up early to study for a spanish quiz, then made my way to the 9:30am class. i overheard a few students talking about a terrorist attack, but was unclear of the details, and then the teacher arrived. she was also obviously unaware of the events, and gave us our quiz like it was just another day. (on thursday she apologized for not having known and decided not to keep the grade.) when i got out of class, i went back to my room and turned on the tv, staying glued to it for the rest of the day. i watched in disbelief with the rest of the country as news reports came in. i called my parents. no matter how strained our relationship may have been at the time, i needed to know they were okay. i spoke to my mom and learned that my dad, who traveled for work, had been in d.c. the day before and used the very parking lot of the pentagon that had been hit to turn around, and was just outside of new york city that morning - close enough to see the smoke from the towers as he and his partner started home, thankful they had already rented a car the night before.

that morning i was so tired from being up late, but couldn’t help but be refreshed by the crisp fall air and clear blue sky. it was like that the rest of the week, too. but suddenly it all seemed so wrong. it seemed so wrong for life to carry on. to keep going to class. to want to work out. but we had to. allowing our lives to come to a screeching halt is exactly what the terrorists would have wanted. they thought that attacking our ideals, and some of our precious lives with them, would bring our nation to its knees.

it did. just not in the way they had hoped. they didn’t account for our hope.


i think about job. God allowed satan to take almost everything that was precious to job - his children, his servants, his possessions, and even his health. but the one thing satan could not take was job’s faith. despite all that happened, job refused to curse God.

when an enemy (or a friend, for that matter) comes against us, they will try and strike us in every way that they think will get to us. they think that if they attack the thing we stand for, then they can take away what we stand on. but they cannot, unless we let them. we are so much more than what represents us. we must choose to rise above.

the hope that rose in the midst of such devastation, more than anything, is what sticks with me about that horrible day. and that is what makes me proud to be an american. our spirit is insatiable, and as angry as that makes terrorist groups still to this day, that is what we still have going for us 10 years later.

“let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.” (hebrews 10:23)

in spite of my innocence lost ...

i’m finding it seems that the only thing more painful than having a dream die, is having it brought back to life. i’ll get more into that later, but for tonight i dredged up an old journal entry from 4 years ago - updated reflections on the song ‘innocent lost‘ by amy grant. (not sure what’s up with the amy grant theme lately. just how the cards have been lining up in my life, i suppose.)

i don’t know what my future holds, or what dreams God has for me. in a lot of ways, i have not felt worthy of those dreams - whatever they might be. (hey, i’m a poet!) i believed that i deserved to have them taken away because i was not faithful with them.

but that’s not how God works. He is infinitely patient. and it is actually in His lovingkindness that He bring dreams back to life.

God, i prayed for you to break me, to unravel me. in Your faithfulness, you have done that. and in Your faithfulness, you will not let me go.

in our strength, we become weak. but in our weakness, we find His strength.

there’s nothing that the power of forgiveness can’t rescue from the deep ...

i have always taken that as receiving forgiveness from God or others, but it hit me how forgiving others also has the power to rescue things from deep within us. God brings people and situations into our lives to call us out of hiding, unearthing our woundedness, and beginning the process of healing.

i can’t undo what’s done. i can’t retrace my tracks. there is no going back ...

there is nothing we can do to change the past, except for trusting God to change the future. it is by His grace that the past can be redeemed. He does that when we humbly submit ourselves to His purification and make the desire of our hearts seeking His favor.

i chased a selfish dream, did not survey the cost. i woke to a cloudy day, and found my innocence lost ...

God, i repent of chasing selfish dreams, of acting apart from You, of ignoring the prompting of the Holy Spirit. and i repent of the pride that has kept me from admitting my failures. ironically, we actually make more strides by admitting our shortcomings. spending time trying to cover them up just keeps us from moving forward.

humble me. redeem me. reveal Your glory in and through me.

my broken heart repaired, and all my sin forgot. i can be pure again, in spite of my innocence lost. in His eyes i’m a newborn child, ‘cause i accept His love. i have a newfound hope, though i found my innocence lost.

claim that. stand on that.

though my selfish dreams have taken me places that i never wanted to go, letting light shine on the situations has brought purity and hope. it was in his closed-off state that david sinned with bathsheba. but it was in his brokenness that he drew near to God again and was called a man after God’s own heart. that is when God really used him. and that is when God’s dreams for david were fulfilled.

the same is true for us. if we walk in it.

the freedom of freedom ...

there’s a line from the indigo girls song ‘watershed’ that says, “every five years or so i look back on my life, and i have a good laugh.” looking back at my old journals, that has certainly been the case for me. nothing like being reminded of how foolish you once were to make you feel incredibly humble. and grateful.

i can say with confidence that i am not who i once was. thank God.

that’s not to say that i don’t still have things that i’m working on. we all do. if we were perfect, we’d be in heaven. but i am so thankful for friends who see my flaws, and love me anyway. and i am so thankful to God for teaching me how to love others exactly where they are, with no judgments and no expectations. it’s amazing how much freedom you can find for yourself when you extend it to those around you.

tonight i was not-so coincidentally reminded of the amy grant song called ‘what the angels see’. “if i could see what the angels see. behind these walls, to you and me. and let the truth set me free. well i would live life differently.” if we could learn to look at each other from a heavenly perspective, we would be able to see past the walls that we put up to protect ourselves. we would stop buying into the lies that keep us apart, and we would start living our lives based on what God says to be true.

THAT is what the past 5 (well, 6 really) years has been about for me.

it started with a single choice. truth over lie. and then another and another. i stopped always assuming the worst about people and situations, and started choosing to believe the best. it wasn’t always easy, and it definitely was not without pain. but like an earlier line from ‘watershed’ says, “when you're learning to face the path at your pace, every choice is worth your while.”

all these thoughts were rolling around inside my head as i drove to the store after school. ‘lift me up’ by the afters came on the radio. (apparently today’s blog is song-centered.) i was struck by the first part of the second verse:

i know i’m not perfect
i know i make mistakes
i know that i have let you down
but you love me the same

and then as the bridge hit:

i can see the dawn is breaking
i am feeling overtaken with your love, with your love
i don’t know what i can offer
in this moment i surrender to your love, to your love

i looked over to see this -

after that, on top of a friend’s encouragement this afternoon, and an unexpected, divinely-timed phone call from another tonight, my heart is literally bursting at the seams with gratitude for what God has done in my life. when you have lived in bondage to expectations for so long - both as the placer and the one placed upon - the fresh realization of freedom is enough to literally bring you to your knees in surrender.

and there is nothing i want more than to see those around me experience that same sweet freedom from the lies that have held them down for so long. what will you choose to believe today?

to trust or not to trust? that is the question ... today, anyway.

an interesting thursday night that leaves me with a lot of questions, and not a lot of answers.

why is it so much easier to let some people speak into our lives than others? what creates that safe space where one person can point out a shortcoming without making you feel threatened, while you constantly feel the need to defend yourself with someone else? is it simply a matter of trust? and what establishes trust in one relationship versus another?

trust is defined as:
having confidence in; relying or depending on the integrity, strength, ability of someone or something
expecting confidently; hope
permitting to remain or go somewhere or to do something without fear of consequences
giving credit to someone for something
committing something to one’s care for use or safekeeping; responsibility
believing in the certainty of future payment

what feels most true for me is that if i can’t handle someone speaking into my life, it is because i am afraid of the consequences, not feeling that i can commit myself to their safekeeping. but that still doesn’t really answer the whys. or the hows. how is trust gained? how is it lost? how is it recovered?

you know, it’s awfully hard to trust someone who doesn’t trust you. and it can certainly rock your trust to discover that what you thought to be true of a relationship is actually not.

i guess it all boils down to this. “trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” (proverbs 3:5)

God is the only One you can completely trust 100% of the time. that’s not to say you should never trust people. in fact, 1 corinthians 13 says that love ‘always trusts’. we are called to love. therefore we are called to trust. it is God’s love that empowers us to trust, even when we’ve been hurt. that doesn’t mean continuing to trust blindly after that trust has been violated. if someone has not proven their ‘integrity, strength and/or ability’ then there is little in which to place your confidence. it is in those cases that you must trust the relationship to God.

that means not letting your head - your very limited human understanding - put up walls around your heart. because if your head is guarding your heart, then your heart won't be able to put its trust in God. to trust people, you must first trust God. completely.

what God speaks into our hearts and minds is ultimately the only thing that matters. and perhaps therein lies the answer to my first questions. what is the person’s motivation? it is a lot easier to hear from someone who is speaking from a place of desiring your best interest, versus someone who is speaking out of seeking their own best interest. it is much easier to trust someone who has no ulterior motives.

those are not final thoughts on the matter. just revelations along the way. what do you think? what makes it easier for you to let someone speak into your life? on what is trust built?

"grief has no timetable" ...

kindergartners seriously provide the best inspiration.

they’re on their third full week of school now (though it certainly feels like it’s been MUCH longer than that!), but in the class where i spend my afternoon there’s one little girl who’s been following me around like a little puppy dog since day 1. she was constantly watching the clock for when both hands would be on the 3, repeatedly asking how many more things we had until we got to go home. and she couldn’t make it through the day without crying until the end of last week.

at the beginning of the year, it broke my heart when she would essentially be told to suck it up - you’re a big kindergartner now - kindergartners don’t cry. could she really be expected to wake up one morning and be ‘all grown up’? is it really fair to turn her world upside down and then tell her that she has to be ‘fine’?

we do the same thing to adults, too ... telling them the way they should handle change, how long they’re allowed to grieve, what that grief is supposed to look like. that’s not to say that we should be okay with someone staying stuck in their stuff (which is another topic for another day). but everyone is different. and everyone’s process is going to look different.

it reminds me of a story that amy grant tells in her book, mosaic. there was a woman completely grief-stricken by the death of her mother. “she couldn’t find the energy to do much of anything. some days she could hardly eat. most days she never got out of her nightclothes ... then one day, she said, she got up, put her clothes on, and went about the business of living” ... one day, two to three years later. “you cannot rush grief ... grief has its own timetable. what a concept. the time it takes to heal is the time it takes.” it’s like waiting for a train in a third world country, amy goes on to explain. “‘de train will come up dis track. de peoples will get off de train. you will get on. den de train will leave.’ when it happens is when it happens.”

as someone who has struggled with bouts of depression for much of my life, this story has been a great source of comfort. who are we to say how and when a person should ‘get their act together’? what’s important is that we’re continually moving toward whole, no matter how long it might take to get there. for me, all i know is that the times of darkness are getting fewer and farther between, and that each time i slip, i don’t fall quite as far, or for quite as long as i did the time before.

now, that little girl doesn’t have to be by my side all the time, she tells me that she’s not going to cry because she knows that there are only a few things left, she’s starting to make friends ... and she’s smiling.

3 weeks isn’t too bad of a learning curve, if you ask me.

happily ever after?

when you watch one of your best friends get ready for her wedding, it gives you a lot to think about.

today’s thought: why do we think that the relationship with our intended will be any different from all the other relationships in our life?

we struggle with trust, with vulnerability, with knowing how to handle conflict, or whatever else it might be in every single one of our other relationships. of course those issues are going to come into play - and on an even greater level - with the one we marry. we’ve been painted this picture of happily ever after - by the media, by our friends, and even by our churches. and it’s a picture that simply does not exist. that’s not to say that a happy marriage is not possible. it just means that happily ever after does not equal perfection ever after.

consider this. if you find yourself consistently dealing with a particular issue with your family or friendships, is it really fair to expect that you won’t face those same issues with your potential mate? yet how often do we consider calling it quits just because we come up against something uncomfortable? we don’t chuck our friends to the curb every time we run into hard times with them. why are we less willing to live with imperfections in our dating and marriage relationships than we are in our friendships?

i believe it is because friendships are less likely to fall prey to unrealistic expectations. granted, a lot of people try and impose their idea of what friendship should look like ... with dire results. but for the most part, we are able to simply appreciate each other’s company - differences, quirks, issues and all. we say, ‘hey, i like you. we connect well. let’s enjoy life together.’

so why do we treat our dating and marriage relationships any differently? isn’t that liking, that connection, that commitment enough to make you want to figure things out? this is the person you were convinced that you would spend the rest of your life with. is what you do or don’t want really worth more than what you could gain together?

ultimately, the dating/marriage relationship should be entered into with more grace, more understanding, more love.

a friend posted this quote from the shack on facebook tonight. "so many believe that it is love that grows, but it is the knowing that grows & love simply expands to contain it. love is just the skin of knowing.” as the two of you get to know each other more, don’t be so quick to let the little things get in the way. and don’t be so quick to let the big things get in the way, either. it’s not going to be the way they tell you in the movies. it’s going to be so much better.

all this, of course, coming from someone with little dating experience. but i do know how my expectations have been effected by what i’ve seen and been told, and it was good for me to realize that i’m going to come up against hard things with whomever i’m with - friends, family or otherwise. it’s not about whether or not you have hard things. it’s about having someone who you are able to walk through the hard things with.

the promise of peace ...

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men ON WHOM HIS FAVOR RESTS.
(Luke 2:13-14)

i have heard this story a thousand times before, but somehow this line had always escaped me. i definitely used to think that this peace was for all men, but that is not what it says. it is for those on whom God's favor rests.

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. (Isaiah 26:3)

Finally, brothers, good-bye. Aim for perfection, listen to my appeal, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you. (2 Corinthians 13:11)

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)

so often, i think we find ourselves striving for peace. but, in just a few minutes of word study, i am seeing that peace is not a given, and it is not something we can attain in and of itself. peace is a contingent.

it comes when your mind is steadfast and trusting in God. it comes when you are living in unity with those around you. it comes when, instead of worrying, you make your requests known to God. even in those times when you are unable to articulate your requests, peace is available, because it comes from a place beyond what our hearts and minds are able to grasp. and those are the times we need it the most.

so, when we don't find peace, perhaps we should be asking what is keeping us from God's favor. the list of hinderances is not long, nor is it tedious. are you putting your complete trust in Him? are you seeking to live in unity with those around you? are you worrying, or are you making your requests known? the answers we find may not always be pleasant, but obedience rarely is. the good news, however, is that the resulting blessings always are.

my prayer for everyone, then, is that you find God's peace, not by default, but by being willing to ask the hard questions and, more importantly, to hear the hard answers. God promises great things - and great peace - in return.