bleach, a broom & belief ... part 2

*** in the first part of this post, i talked about losing yourself and the challenge of living as God has called in spite of the pain. in the second part, i talk about how He works in and through that pain ...

3) God is just as heartbroken as I am

I’ve wanted to hear Bethany Dillon’s newest release since it came out, but didn’t get my hands on it until this past weekend (not a coincidence). The album as a whole is what helped me turn the corner back to God initially, but this line from “New” is what softened my heart dramatically …

“You see all my pain, You cry over it for hours till I'm new again”

Somewhere along the line, I had forgotten that God does not enjoy inflicting pain on His children or stand by passively as they struggle. Not only does he record every tear …

Record my lament; list my tears on your scroll – are they not in your record? (Psalm 56:8)

… but He is also moved to tears on our behalf, desiring that our souls find peace in Him …

He wept over it and said, “If you had only known on this day what would bring you peace” (Luke 19:41-42)

I longed for that peace, but at the same time had been avoiding (imagine that) sorting through the emotions that I knew would be involved in getting there. There was so much anger in my heart, but I didn’t know whether I was more angry with myself, others, or God … and I didn’t really want to find out. When I finally forced myself to sit down and journal, I started by reading through some entries from two months ago …

“Two weeks ago it felt like my hopes and dreams were crashing down around me … I truly believe this was … a test from God to see if I would cling to His promises, what I know to be true in my heart, and press in instead of giving in to despair … There have been too many strategically placed occurrences in my life for me not to see God’s hand clearly moving. I don’t know where this is going, but am eager to hang on for the ride!”

… and when I got done all I could think was 1) what a freakin’ hypocrite, and 2) this ride SUCKS! So, that’s the frame of mind with which I began my journal entry, but fortunately, not where it ended. In the course of writing, I realized that the things I thought God was using to bring about positive changes in one area of my life were actually about breaking me down …

He tears me down on every side till I am gone; He uproots my hope like a tree. (Job 19:10)

… and seeing if I would still trust and believe Him with a MUCH bigger area of my life. It was SUCH a relief to realize that I was more angry with God than with myself or anyone else, and I went to bed with a light heart for the first time in weeks. Granted, things are far from resolved, but I actually trust God with my heart again and believe that the damage is not irreparable.

“Thank you, God, for Your faithfulness in bringing me at least a glimpse of the hope for which I long, and help me remember that hope is not nearly as sweet without first experiencing the despair.”