this is now!

“to my detriment, i tend to trust and have faith in people unless they have proven me otherwise.”

this is a line from the blog i posted sunday, which was originally written 4 1/2 years ago. it made me sad to remember that is truly how i used to be, and how much of that i have lost since moving to nashville. no matter how many times i had been hurt in the past, i managed to hold onto my basic - albeit naive - trust in other people. while it often took me a while to warm up, my heart was not so guarded or hardened.

the group 33miles released the song 'this is now' about the same time that i wrote my blog. though i had heard it many times before, i remember listening to it in the car one day as i cried out to God about how i had been betrayed by those i trusted, and was now watching my dreams slip through my fingers. it felt like He was speaking these words to my heart.

YOU WERE ALL ALONE
YOU WERE CONSTANTLY BROKEN
YOU FELT SO UNLOVED
YOU WERE LEFT ABANDONED

WHAT A DIFFERENCE LOVE CAN MAKE
TO THE DEEP HEARTBREAK BACK THEN

THIS IS NOW
THIS IS HOPE
THIS IS THE END OF A LONGING
THE BEGINNING OF A ROAD
TO A CHANGE,
WHERE EVERYTHING AROUND YOU,
NO LONGER FALLING DOWN
THIS IS NOW
THIS IS NOW

YOU'RE ALLOWED TO DREAM
YOU CAN THINK OF TOMORROW
YOU CAN SAY GOODBYE TO ALL OF YOUR SORROWS

THATS THE DIFFERENCE LOVE CAN MAKE
TO THE HURT YOU'VE HELD WITHIN

THIS IS NOW
THIS IS HOPE
THIS IS THE END OF A LONGING
THE BEGINNING OF A ROAD
TO A CHANGE
WHERE EVERY CHAIN AROUND YOU
NO LONGER HAS YOU BOUND
THIS IS NOW

God wanted to heal my heartbreak. He wanted me to dream. He wanted me to be free. but my walls were up, and it has taken me a long time to get back.

almost exactly a year ago, i heard them do that song at a show. the circumstances were so ridiculously ironic - surrounded by the same people who had hurt me so much 4 1/2 years ago - but this time there was hope. i wasn’t alone. i wasn’t broken. i wasn’t unloved or abandoned. love had truly made a difference to the heartbreak i had experienced back then. and though it feels like it’s been such a long time coming, i’m so thankful to be on the road to change.

i’m starting to dream. my sorrows are falling away. and so are the chains. i'm finding i can trust again.

and God promises the same for you.