"my finest year ..."

i love looking back. this time of year has such strong, bitterly sweet memories for me. what an incredible picture of God’s redemption, taking something that could be so painful and turning it into evidence of His glory.

at this time last year i wrote “do i believe that God can bring me through this?”

reading that now, it almost makes me laugh. i honestly wasn’t sure that i believed He could. i certainly wasn’t acting like it. i was at the end of my rope ... again. after struggling with vulnerability for pretty much my entire life - trying but never finding deliverance - i was having a really hard time holding onto hope.

then God bombarded me with confirmation after confirmation and started me on a path to freedom and joy beyond my wildest imagination.

He had been driving home the message of love and trust through bebo norman’s new album. i turned on the radio and they were having a discussion about intimacy. next, God gave me a picture of a person walking round and round a tree, carrying a backpack, closed in by a stone wall. i knew that person was me, but i didn’t know what to do with it. shortly after i went to a local young adult worship service called emanate, where the speaker talked about song of solomon 2 and changing seasons. she touched on being afraid of change and intimacy, and how only God can bring down the walls that we keep butting our heads against. then she said something that got my attention - if we aren’t willing to do the work, then we’ll just keep running around the same tree.

ouch.

leaving the service that night, this song by wilson phillips came on the radio. i don’t think anything could have summed up my situation any more perfectly.

"Hold On"
I know there is pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Don't ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind, mmm
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?

Chorus
Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you gonna let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day

You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin' your worries pass you by
Baby don't you think it's worth your time
To change your mind?

Chorus

I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day
And you break free from the chains
Yeah I know that there is pain
But you hold for one more day
And you break free right from the chains

if it feels like you’ve been walking around the same tree over and over, stuck in a cycle of brokenness, know that there is a way out. there is freedom from your chains. i just found a thank you note from a friend during this same time a year ago in which she wrote, “i pray that this is your finest year full of breakthrough and blessings!” who knew how prophetic those words would be?! i’m not saying that i’ve arrived, but i’m so thankful that i kept holding on. the way that God has changed my mind has definitely been worth the time.

as it says in song of solomon 2:11-12, “look, the winter is past, and the rains are over and gone. the flowers are springing up, the season of singing birds has come, and the cooing of turtledoves fills the air.”

(still believing for that last part ;)