in spite of my innocence lost ...

i’m finding it seems that the only thing more painful than having a dream die, is having it brought back to life. i’ll get more into that later, but for tonight i dredged up an old journal entry from 4 years ago - updated reflections on the song ‘innocent lost‘ by amy grant. (not sure what’s up with the amy grant theme lately. just how the cards have been lining up in my life, i suppose.)

i don’t know what my future holds, or what dreams God has for me. in a lot of ways, i have not felt worthy of those dreams - whatever they might be. (hey, i’m a poet!) i believed that i deserved to have them taken away because i was not faithful with them.

but that’s not how God works. He is infinitely patient. and it is actually in His lovingkindness that He bring dreams back to life.

God, i prayed for you to break me, to unravel me. in Your faithfulness, you have done that. and in Your faithfulness, you will not let me go.

in our strength, we become weak. but in our weakness, we find His strength.

there’s nothing that the power of forgiveness can’t rescue from the deep ...

i have always taken that as receiving forgiveness from God or others, but it hit me how forgiving others also has the power to rescue things from deep within us. God brings people and situations into our lives to call us out of hiding, unearthing our woundedness, and beginning the process of healing.

i can’t undo what’s done. i can’t retrace my tracks. there is no going back ...

there is nothing we can do to change the past, except for trusting God to change the future. it is by His grace that the past can be redeemed. He does that when we humbly submit ourselves to His purification and make the desire of our hearts seeking His favor.

i chased a selfish dream, did not survey the cost. i woke to a cloudy day, and found my innocence lost ...

God, i repent of chasing selfish dreams, of acting apart from You, of ignoring the prompting of the Holy Spirit. and i repent of the pride that has kept me from admitting my failures. ironically, we actually make more strides by admitting our shortcomings. spending time trying to cover them up just keeps us from moving forward.

humble me. redeem me. reveal Your glory in and through me.

my broken heart repaired, and all my sin forgot. i can be pure again, in spite of my innocence lost. in His eyes i’m a newborn child, ‘cause i accept His love. i have a newfound hope, though i found my innocence lost.

claim that. stand on that.

though my selfish dreams have taken me places that i never wanted to go, letting light shine on the situations has brought purity and hope. it was in his closed-off state that david sinned with bathsheba. but it was in his brokenness that he drew near to God again and was called a man after God’s own heart. that is when God really used him. and that is when God’s dreams for david were fulfilled.

the same is true for us. if we walk in it.