the worship of heartbreak ...

so i was journaling during service today, and not exactly paying full attention to the sermon. sorry steve :)

during worship, a lot of the songs were about praising God in the midst of trials, and i was thinking about how i’ve really been enjoying a time of relative calm. but at the same time i noted a sense of detachment. don’t get me wrong - i’m incredibly grateful, but i wasn’t jumping for joy on the inside like i should be. as i looked around me, surrounded by all these amazing friends - and couples - my eyes filled with tears and i quickly realized what was going on. sometimes, being alone just sucks.

it’s amazing how full, and yet how full of longing a heart can be at the same time. as i’ve talked to friends about the difficulties of joining two lives together, and watched a friend who is a little older than i am prepare for her own marriage, i’m seeing how it becomes harder to incorporate someone else into your life the longer you wait.

right about the time that i had this thought, one of the elders got up and shared a quote from john newton, the end of which is “i’m not what i once was.”

the bottom line is that God’s timing is perfect. if He’s asking you to wait, then it’s for a reason. if He’s asking you to wait on a relationship later than when it would be ‘easier’ from a practical standpoint, then there’s a work that needs to be completed first. for me, i know that God has been healing things that would have made a relationship very challenging. (of course i know there will still be challenges, but it’s always advantageous to go in with the fewest number of foreseeable difficulties.)

in the meantime, God has shown me Himself in the relationships He has placed in my life. and He is showing and growing His desires for me in a mate through those relationships. unfortunately, it almost makes it hurt worse - having something so good and tasting something so close - yet not having the complete fulfillment.

i don’t really have a resolution for these thoughts tonight, other than this. i was feeling a bit guilty about not being tuned into the sermon. but i was listening enough for God to highlight one of the scriptures.

“true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth. the Father is looking for those who will worship Him that way.” (John 4:23)

God asks that we worship Him from our spirit, and in complete honesty. just like the samaritan woman from the same chapter of john, He knows our hearts and He knows our stories. He just wants us to come to Him for the water that will bring life to our souls. i know therein lies the resolution for my deepest longings ... sometimes it just takes some time for that water to makes its way down through the cracks in my heart.

so i really was paying attention. to the sermon that God had for me. can’t beat that :)