justice micah perry - a 28 day impact on eternity

yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore He will rise up to show you compassion. for the LORD is a God of JUSTICE. blessed are all who wait for Him! (isaiah 30:18)

tonight, we celebrated the life of little justice micah perry. it was the most incredible memorial service i have ever attended. for all those people who talk about wanting their funeral to be a party, justice’s service made that dream a reality. sure, there were many tears shed, but there was also much laughter and worship and rejoicing. his time on earth may have lasted only 28 days, but already justice’s impact is eternal and far-reaching.

it would be easy to shake our fist at God in times like these, not understanding how He could let this happen. why did He not answer all of our fervent prayers? why did He not honor our confident belief that justice would be healed? why did He not prove Himself and bring glory to His name by performing a miracle?
“for my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (isaiah 55:8-9)

perhaps God can prove Himself more through the people drawn to Him through justice’s short life, and who continue to proclaim His name in spite of justice’s death. perhaps God’s glory is more about relationships than miracles.

in matthew 11, we read about john the baptist - while in prison - wanting to confirm that Jesus was, indeed, the One they had been expecting. john had dedicated his life to preaching about the coming Messiah, and if anyone could have gotten him out of prison, it was Jesus. but He didn’t. john’s purpose had been fulfilled.

and so was justice’s. as justice’s dad realized, in the midst of life’s difficulties, “are you okay with not being rescued if your purpose is being fulfilled?”

“justice wasn’t for just us.”

3300 people joined the group on facebook. fox news ran a story on the little family that was rocking the picu. an athiest decided to follow Jesus. a 10-year old committed to live a life of radical faith. a marriage on the rocks was redeemed. all because of a baby, and his parents, who refused to give up.

justice means righteous gift of God. and that he was ... and is. it is up to those whose lives were touched to make sure that his suffering was not in vain.

his parents troy and sara prayed that the lives of those praying with them would be ‘jacked up’. mission accomplished. as troy challenged the audience tonight, “it’s time for the training wheels to come off. you cannot enter God’s presence and leave unchanged.”

continue to pray for this precious family as they walk out the “what now?” especially pray for their 5-year old son as his little faith has been tested in ways that most adults never have to face.

and, even if you don’t know them, be challenged as i was to live with an unwavering faith that the world cannot help but notice.

taking a break ...

tonight i am writing tomorrow’s post, which will probably be my last one for a while. after proving to myself that i can, indeed, write every day, i am taking a sabbatical to focus on finishing my friend’s book project. i pray that God will bless our efforts and use his incredible story in powerful ways.

it is so absolutely humbling to see how God has moved and spoken since i made the commitment to write two months ago, and i cannot wait to see how He will continue to unfold my own story as i learn to follow Him with greater abandon. thank you to everyone who has been a part of the journey thus far, commenting and encouraging and living life with me. i am confident that this is just the beginning ... so much remains to be written!

the other side of the story ...

it’s so mind-boggling to me how God can be two seemingly opposite things at the same time. grace and truth. love and justice. fully man and fully woman. not desiring for His children to suffer, and yet willing to allow struggles that will make us stronger and bring us closer to Him. He is all these things, and so much more, all at once, without compromising any of His divine essence.

now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture ... now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. all that i know now is partial and incomplete, but then i will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. (1 corinthians 13:9&12)

when writing yesterday’s blog, i knew there was another side to the story. and then, ironically, that’s what steve preached about today.

i am the true grapevine, and my Father is the vinedresser. every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit. (john 15:1-2)

while it’s true that parents desire to give good things to their children, and will not make things overly difficult just because they don’t want their lives to be too easy, they are also rarely content to let their children get stuck in complacency. i wrote about this several weeks ago, but a parent who allows their child to just skate through life does little to prepare them for the real world. children who are sheltered from difficulty are like vines that are never tended - they may grow, but will not thrive, nor reach its fullest potential.

it makes sense to cut away the parts of a plant that are not producing fruit, but it seems counterintuitive to cut back the parts that are. however, a good gardener knows that this is what causes a plant to flourish, and God knows that this is what will make His children stronger and more beautiful. He seeks to remove the things from our lives that are not bringing Him glory, and will even cut away the things that are producing godly fruit for the sake of ultimately multiplying that fruit.

this may seem painful, and we may question how a good God who gives good gifts to His children could cause so much pain, but His definition of good is different from ours. His aims are higher than ours.

1 corinthians 13 finishes by saying that “three things will last forever - faith, hope, and love - and the greatest of these is love.”

above all else, how God moves in our lives will serve to promote and preserve these three priorities - especially love. though i still don’t believe that God ever inflicts arbitrary pain on His children, when we come to know and see Him fully, we will understand how and why the difficulties He allowed us to experience served a greater purpose. what we may perceive as pain is actually for our greater benefit. it is learning to depend on Him more fully and love on others more deeply that makes the 'pain' worth it in the end.

every good and perfect gift ...

this week at work, they changed up all of our schedules ... again. i know how hard it has been for everyone on our team to deal with so many changes. no matter how flexible someone might be, people are creatures of habit, to at least some degree. children with special needs are even more dependent on the consistency of their schedules, and i can’t even begin to imagine how hard it is for them to deal with so much unpredictability.

the argument has been made that it’s not good for them to get too dependent on any one person. that makes sense, until you consider that we don’t do that for adults or students who don’t have disabilities. that would be like saying, ‘we don’t want the kids in the mainstream classrooms to get too dependent on their teachers, so we’re going to give them a new one every quarter.‘ or that would be like saying, ‘we don’t want the employees to get too comfortable in their position, so we’re going to move them to a new department every few months.’ we would never do that. so why do we think it’s a good idea to do that to children whose success depends upon it?

and why do we think that God would do that to us?

when things are going good, we talk about waiting for the other shoe to drop. we assume that God is up there thinking, “she’s been too happy for too long. i’m going to send some challenges her way just to throw her off.” parents ultimately want their children to be happy and successful. and while God’s definition of good might be different from ours, if earthly parents don’t deliberately put their children through trials, then why would God do that to us?

“which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? if you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” (matthew 7:9-11)

but i’ve been so guilty of this mentality.

that’s not to say that life will always be a walk in the park. hard times are a natural result of living in a fallen world, and God will use them to make us stronger and draw us closer to Him. that’s also not to say that He will let us get stuck in complacency, but i don’t believe that He will make our lives difficult just because things are going too good for too long.

“for I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (jeremiah 29:11)

He is a good God, and my hope and future lie in knowing that God does not send difficulties.

every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. (james 1:17)

how christians are like pumpkins ...

I don’t want to try and spiritualize Halloween, but while drawing a jack o’lantern with one of my students at school today, I was reminded of this simple, yet powerful analogy. I also thought it would be an appropriate pre-fall outing post.

How a Christian is like a Pumpkin
(http://www.dltk-bible.com/how_a_christian_is_like_a_pumpki.htm)

God picks you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off you. Pumpkins and people both have an inside and an outside. The outside is what everyone can see. The inside is all the important stuff, like your heart and soul. “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)

When you first carve out a pumpkin, all you can see inside is the yucky stuff. "This is what we look like to others and what we are like when are hearts are not changed.” Like it says in Ecclesiastes 9:3, “the hearts of people, moreover, are full of evil and there is madness in their hearts.”

"God is the only one who can change our heart. But in order for God to change our heart we must become open to Him." “Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.” (Revelation 3:20). Just like when you cut a hole in the top of the pumpkin, God is waiting for us to open the doors of our hearts so He can clean us out.

He wants to scoop “out all the yucky stuff inside of us. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, impurity, and greed." Through His death on the cross, Jesus was willing to become messy for us, so that we might be clean. “I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” (Ezekiel 36:25b-27).

Once God has taken out all the messy stuff, He can carve a beautiful smiling face. “But if we leave a pumpkin with only the insides taken out, then it's just hollow. We need to have a light inside that will truly make us alive! Jesus said, 'I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.' (John 8:12).

"When Jesus lives inside of you, you can glow! He puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see."

learning to live your dreams ...

a third article from yesterday (http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/3-Successes-Only-Failure-Can-Give-You/2#ixzz1bvsENEBs) addressed how to use failure to your advantage. sometimes it’s possible to learn from the mistakes of others. but oftentimes, it’s necessary to learn from your own. instead of thinking of it as a reflection on who you are, take it as an opportunity to evaluate what you did (or didn’t do). focus on changing the things that you can control, not the things that you cannot.

“randy pausch, the professor who gave the ‘last lecture’ while dying of pancreatic cancer, talked about how "brick walls are not there to keep us out; the brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something.” failure is what tells us whether or not we were truly meant to do something.

“if, when things get rough, you remain committed and even entranced by your goal, you should keep going. if what you're doing is costing you too much time and energy or the process isn't what you thought it would be or it's not bringing you joy or you find yourself emailing kitten photos, you need to get out and...get a new goal.”

since my friend kelly seems to be on the same page as God and i right now, i thought i would share a few things that i stole from her facebook page over the last couple of days.

“devote yourself to an idea. go make it happen. struggle on it. overcome your fears. smile. don’t forget: this is your dream.”

“DREAM!!! dream big!!! hold onto your dreams!!! fight for your dreams!!!”

“if your memories are greater than your dreams, then you’re already dying.”

as i wrote yesterday, don’t get so stuck in the past that you can’t live for the future. the best is yet to come. and just because it doesn’t come as quickly as you thought it would doesn’t mean you should stop going after it. the harder you work for something, the more valuable it will be when it finally happens.

overnight successes “do not add much wisdom, i suspect, or gratitude. they're fireworks, the kind the rest of us look up at and admire and, all too often, try to jump up and grab—when, in fact, we need to stay down on the ground, where all the stumbling goes on. that is, until we've gained the confidence and experience to walk straight up the mountain.”

it’s so true that if we reached our dreams as quickly as hoped, we would rarely have the strength and confidence required to stay there. most of the time, what we gain through the process of achieving our dreams is what makes it possible to actually live our dreams. i'm reminded of the song ‘overnight’ by amy grant.

if it all just happened overnight,
you wouldn't know how much it means.
yeah, if it all just happened overnight,
you would never learn to believe
in what you cannot see.

even if i never reach my dreams, if i have learned to believe then i think the pursuit was worth every ounce of effort. besides, isn’t belief what is truly at the heart of every dream?

living without regrets ...

a lot of the time i share what God has been telling me specifically. but sometimes He speaks to me in other ways that are just too good not to pass along.

if i wasn’t already convinced that God has been trying to get my attention lately, i received two emails today that further reinforced the message.

the first, from ‘fearless living’ author rhonda britten, was titled ‘who am i anyway?’ and said -

There's nothing like the unsettling feeling of finding yourself unsure of who you are anymore.

Have you ever woken up one morning not liking your favorite pjs or coffee just doesn't taste good anymore? The things you thought you loved aren't so great. But on the other hand, nothing is really peaking your interest so the questions arises...subtly at first but gets louder and louder: WHO THE HECK AM I?

This can't be me!!!

the second, from oprah’s ‘thought for today’ newsletter, was titled ‘regret proof your life’ (http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Stop-Regretting-Decisions-Martha-Becks-Plan-to-Let-Go) and said -

regret “changes you, leaving you both tougher and more tender. you get to decide, however, whether your toughness will look like unreachable bitterness or unstoppable resilience; your tenderness the raw vulnerability of a never-healing wound, or a kindness so deep it heals every wound it touches. regret can be your worst enemy or your best friend. you get to decide which.” (martha beck)

the author goes on to outline how you can live your life without regret. it means changing the way you look at your past and how you move into your future. learn to accept the reality of your situation, instead of dwelling on the way you wish things would have happened. acknowledge both your anger and your sadness, “grieve what is irrevocably lost,” then “reclaim the essence of your dreams.” you can’t change the way that things have happened, but you can move forward with renewed purpose and vision. make decisions based on love, and you’ll live your life with far fewer regrets.

after reading and writing all that earlier in the evening, the regret that i’ve been fighting against for weeks reared its ugly head yet again. but this time i was able to look at it using some of the tools and perspectives from the article. things are far from resolved, but because i don’t want to be bitter, i know that i must choose to take an honest look at what i’m feeling, no matter how ridiculous it might seem. it’s in the denial of those feelings that i lose who i am, and nothing should have the power to do that. only when i can accept the way that things are, will i be able to change the way that things will be.

a friend posted this quote on facebook tonight -

dear past: thank you for your lessons.
dear future: i’m ready.
dear God: thank you for another chance.

AMEN.

rising above ...

i love watching ‘biggest loser’, less because of the dramatic weight loss and more because of the drastic emotional transformations that take place during their time on the show. the majority of weight issues are truly emotional issues, and i find it so interesting to watch them break through to the root of their problems, learn the tools to deal with them in healthier ways, and find true freedom and healing, with weight loss as the natural result.

there was a moment on the scales tonight that really hit home with a lot of what i’ve been writing about lately. this was a big week, where each of the contestants needed to lose 9 pounds for everyone to gain immunity. while only two of the players actually did their part, there was one woman who actually gained 5 pounds this week. in ‘biggest loser’ world, that is unheard of! she could not understand what had happened, and said that she felt humiliated for having let everyone down.

but the trainers were quick to jump in and remind her that those 5 pounds could not define her. they all knew that was not who she was, and she couldn’t let one off week become her identity. she had to choose whether she would let those feelings of guilt and humiliation and frustration get her down, or if she would rise above.

that was a choice i had to make today. i’ve had a really hard couple of weeks, both emotionally and physically. yesterday at work was particularly challenging, and i was dreading facing another 4 days of the same. but after writing last night’s blog, i knew that the discouragement i felt was not from God, and that i had to choose to rise above and not give satan the upper hand any more. so i entered the day with a much more positive attitude, praising God for even a small shift in my thinking.

then i got a call from my doctor.

my insurance company had denied coverage for a ct scan. after over 3 months of persistent unexplainable pleurisy and fatigue, i was expectant for answers. now we were back to square one. in that moment, hopelessness threatened to overcome. i couldn’t let another setback define me or my attitude. discouragement is not from God, i reminded myself. i had to choose whether i would let those feelings of desperation get me down again, or if i would rise above, trusting that God was still in control.

“i don’t know all the answers, but i know the one Who does,” the saying goes. a bump in the road doesn’t change that fact. i don’t know where my answer lies, but i know that God has known from the beginning, that i am in His perfect care until it comes, and that “[He] will keep in perfect peace all who trust in [Him], all whose thoughts are fixed on [Him]!” (isaiah 26:3)

"discouragement is not from Christ ..."

not a lot of original thoughts tonight, but hopefully these reminders/insights will prove as helpful to you as they did to me.

after reading yesterday’s post, a friend sent me a link to this article, which she had just finished reading -

http://www.lifesitenews.com/news/why-i-never-should-have-had-eight-children

how well i could relate to what the author had felt. how many wonderful things do we never accomplish because of giving an ear to the enemy. and how i needed to to hear this reminder -

“How many times had I told others, “Discouragement is not from Christ, as Christ only encourages. Discouragement is from the devil!” I remembered it then, and my fears and anxieties were banished. Only the devil himself, the one who hates human beings to his rotten core, would taunt me with the notion that my lack of gourmet skills should preclude new life in my marriage. I saw the evil of it then, and I called him out. I still cussed a lot back then, and I am pretty sure I told the devil what he could do with his putrid flood of discouraging thoughts. Yeah, that was a good moment.”

it seems so obvious, and yet satan does such a good job of disguising his lies in truth. just like the author, all of my ‘shortcomings and sins’ are realities. the trick is remembering that God’s Truth always trumps any of the truth of our humanity. as matthew 19:26 says, “with people this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” satan’s right. my limitations keep me from being able to do much of anything. but, “i can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” (philippians 4:13)

that was after i got home. then i finally took a personality quiz that i had heard about 2 1/2 weeks ago. the timing could not have been any more perfect. i’m always a sucker for anything involving psychoanalysis, but this one was particularly intriguing because it tells you which Bible character you are most like. each profile also includes “a nick name, personality description, potential pitfalls, inhibitors, and personal growth recommendations.” my results were incredibly accurate, and gave me a lot to think about.

i found this point especially humorous - you may use phrases like these: let’s talk later

these observations rang painfully true - in quiet moments you fear that you have no identity or any real significance and can be plagued with self-doubt. you are motivated to search and to find your identity in order to express who you are and ultimately find meaning and significance. establishing a true, honest and unique persona is important to you. you are also prone to blame and hold grudges.

but the advice was exactly what i needed to hear - in these times, it is wise to trust God in your hurts and to allow Him to make things right. try to separate Godly conviction from undue anger at self. move toward right thinking and wise living and refuse to get stuck in the past. if you become too attached to longing and disappointment you may be unable to recognize the many treasures in your life. don’t wait to do something until you feel like doing it. make a commitment to ‘just do it.’

and these reminders provided such encouragement - david demonstrated how this kind of personality can live well and leave a lasting, praiseworthy legacy. you may never feel like you are ready to take charge, but feel confident that God is with you and will sustain you from the largest to the smallest step you take.

so which Bible character are you, and what encouragement could it offer for the way you live your life? check it out for yourself here -

http://beta.monvee.com/userregistration.aspx?cc=T1087313

you do have to register for an account, but it’s free. have fun!

i used to be so sure ...

you know how sometimes you find yourself reacting to a situation in a way that has little or nothing to do with the present situation at all. it touches on something deep within you and the pain is suddenly as fresh as the first day you felt it. you know God has healed that part of you, and yet a similar situation leaves you shaken to the core, suddenly unsure of everything you thought you knew. the old lies creep back in, and you start believing that your weaknesses are insurmountable obstacles, instead of a beautiful part of who God made you to be.

i hate when i let myself get to that place.

this morning while getting ready, i was reflecting on what a hard time i have taking an honest look at and being okay with my weaknesses. then God reminded me,

“your perceived weaknesses are actually a part of My perfect design, beautiful opportunities for My glory to shine ...”

then tonight i watched the movie ‘family man’ with nicholas cage and tea leoni. this conversation reminded me that it’s okay to be slightly unsure, but it’s important to not lose sight of the things you know for sure - that you are exactly who God made you to be, and you are exactly where you’re meant to be.

“i feel like i’m living someone else’s life ... i used to be so sure about everything, you know? i knew exactly who i was and what i wanted ... i never used to be like this, kate. i had it all figured out. no doubts, no regrets.”

“and now ...?”

“now ... i don’t.”

“me neither.”

“i think it’s good to be a little unsure about who you are. it’s very human.”

“but you always seem so certain.”

“i think about it, too, jack. i do. i think about the kind of person i’d be if i hadn’t married you ... and i realize i’ve just erased the things in my life i’m most sure about.”

“i’m sure that right now there’s nowhere i’d rather be than here with you.”

in 2 corinthians 12:9-10, pual reminds us that, “‘[God’s] grace is all you need. [His] power works best in weakness.’” so now i am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. that’s why i take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that i suffer for Christ. for when i am weak, then i am strong.”

the theme of strength from weakness was everywhere at church today. the worship leader talked about how, just like the colors of fall, it is our differences that make us beautiful. the speaker shared how God had used him in great ways in spite of his weaknesses, and how he prays for God to change his heart and mind. weaknesses are good as long as you don’t get so caught up in them that you can’t let them become strengths. uncertainty is good as long as you don’t let it rob you of the truth - who you are and what you want.

“don’t screw up the best thing in your life just because you’re a little unsure of who you are.”

don't deny your discontent ...

after a fun 24-hr trip to alabama, i’m back with some more thoughts on the whole marriage/singleness issue.

i would like to start off by saying that i do not actually think that singleness is a sin.

if that were the case, then i know an awful lot of Godly men and women who are living in sin. saying that singleness is actually a sin is like saying that every man has met the woman that he’s supposed to spend the rest of his life with. and where does that leave women, who are not supposed to pursue (which is another issue entirely)? at what age would singleness become a sin, and where does dating fall into all of this?

no, i do not believe that singleness, in and of itself, is a sin.

remember that the original quote suggested that PROTRACTED - prolonged - singleness was the sin. as someone else pointed out, it is a sin to remain single when you know that marriage is something you are being called to but are not actively pursuing (whether with a specific person, or in general through intentionality, prayer and heart preparation) because of fear, pride, control, worry about our own issues, etc. so it’s not singleness that is the sin, but the sins that are causing you to stay single, especially when you give them more weight than they’re due. i’ve definitely been guilty of that, feeling like i needed to get my act together before love could come my way. the truth is, i’m not going to be perfect, and neither is he, and the adventure of marriage is learning to be perfectly imperfect together.

additionally, when i first found that infamous quote from my first post, it was actually the other angle that intrigued me most.

“a generation of singles are stuffing their discontent and starting to believe that it's their discontent, and not their protracted singleness, that is their sin.”

i would say that we’re far from just starting to believe that our discontent is a sin. we’re entrenched in it. and it is probably a lot of what is perpetuating our protracted singleness. i cannot tell you how many times i’ve beaten myself up for wanting something different than my present state ... and i know that i’m not alone. God created us with the desire for finding someone to share our lives with. but satan has done a really good job of convincing us that it is wrong to pursue that desire, and the church has done much to reinforce that message. sure, we need to learn to trust God and be content wherever and in whatever state He has placed us. but that doesn’t mean we should be satisfied with anything less than what God has promised, in any area of our lives.

in genesis 2:18, God says “it is not good for the man to be alone. i will make a helper who is just right for him.”

don’t deny your discontent. embrace it. be honest about it. and don’t let sin keep you from your ‘just right’.

a good life ...

Well, for the first time in 2 1/2 months, I am unable to post. But I look forward to jumping back in tomorrow with more thoughts on marriage and singleness, and hopefully some fun Alabama anecdotes ...

Sometimes there just aren't enough hours in the week for all the life I get to live!

it is not good for man to marry ... ?

yay for starting stimulating conversations! thanks to those who commented. this is the beginning of my response/an addendum to what i wrote, as there is only so much you can say in 500ish words. ultimately, my heart is for the healing that makes marriage possible, and for the healing only made possible within the context of marriage. taking an honest look and being willing to talk about it is a good place to start ...

tonight i will look at a passage of scripture frequently cited to support the position against marriage.

my good friend ron mentioned paul saying it was not good for a man to marry. this is an issue addressed in 1 corinthians 7. paul does say that it is good to live a celibate life, and that he wishes everyone was single like him. but he goes on to acknowledge how difficult it is to stay pure while unmarried. “if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. it’s better to marry than to burn with lust.” (v. 9) he says that “God gives to some the gift of marriage, and to others the gift of singleness.” (v. 7) call me crazy, but if someone was given the GIFT of singleness, then it would be something that they actually enjoyed and found easy, rather than something they loathed.

“now regarding your question about the young women who are not yet married. i do not have a command from the Lord for them ... if you do get married, it is not a sin ... however, those who get married at this time will have troubles, and i am trying to spare you those problems.” (vv. 25 & 28) not that you should ever go into marriage expecting it to fix any problems you might have, but it’s funny because paul says that like the people who stay single won’t have any problems. being a single and being married each have their own set of problems. it’s about choosing which set you would rather have.

in verse 35, the conclusion that paul makes is, “i am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. i want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.” like lainie said in her comment, i believe “We are better together than apart. One can put one thousand to flight, but two can put ten thousand to flight!!! So much more can be done in life and more importantly for the Kingdom as two.”

the take home message is this: “the time that remains is very short. so from now on, those with wives should not focus only on their marriage. those who weep or who rejoice or who buy things should not be absorbed by their weeping or their joy or their possessions. those who use the things of the world should not become attached to them. for this world as we know it will soon pass away.” (vv. 29-31) just like with anything, moderation is key. marriage is great, as long as it does not become your sole focus, placing it and your spouse above God. the same is true of singleness. don’t become so attached to your single state that you are unwilling to lay it aside, and don’t let your desire for marriage become a distraction from serving God in the meantime.

keep the comments coming. any points i missed or should consider? so much remains to be discussed!

love in a hopeless place ...

i’ve been pondering a potentially controversial topic lately ...

marriage.

or the lack thereof, to be precise.

i was radio-surfing while driving the other night, and rhianna’s new song ‘we found love’ caught my attention. all i really heard of it was the repetitive chorus, “we found love in a hopeless place.” looking up the lyrics later, i realize that this is not at all what the song is about, but it served to provide a bit of encouragement, nonetheless.

i must admit - and i’m pretty sure i’m not the only one who would say - that the chances of getting married can seem rather slim at times. according to the united states census bureau, the singles population has nearly "quadrupled in just one generation." people are waiting longer and longer, championing independence and success instead of dedicating themselves to the Godly pursuit of marriage. all the while, on some level, they still long for the blissful union that God has promised. but they are told that they should be content in their singleness - revel in it, even.

yes, there’s something to be said for being content and trusting God with wherever He has placed you. but, as candice watters states in her article ‘getting to marriage’ on boundless.org, “a generation of singles are stuffing their discontent and starting to believe that it's their discontent, and not their protracted singleness, that is their sin.”

singleness a sin? i’ve never thought of it that way before, but it makes a lot of sense to me.

we spend so much time trying to figure things out before wanting to join our lives with another. but maybe the reason we have so much trouble trying to figure things out for ourselves is because we were never supposed to try and figure things out on our own. we aren’t supposed to have so much of our stories written because we’re supposed to be writing them with someone else. i could be wrong, but it sure seems like figuring out life and joining our giftings with someone else would be so much easier and more enjoyable than trying to figure it out on our own.

so what are we waiting for?

candice goes on to assert that society has convinced us we should be waiting “for a miracle story that defies the odds.” but while you wait, “chances are you’ll miss out on what could have been ... wonderful and timely.” are we waiting for someone to walk into our lives? or are we expecting fireworks? maybe we should start praying for God to open our eyes and soften our hearts to the people who we are already doing life with on some level. i say this with no ulterior motives, as i can be as guilty of this as the next person. it's just that i see an awful lot of Godly singles around me who are not dating and have to believe that there is surely a solution more simple than we're making it. things may seem hopeless, but could it be that the love we’ve been waiting for has been standing right in front of us all along?

leave it to a random song on the radio to remind me that love can, indeed, be found in even the most [seemingly] hopeless places.

bless me, daddy ...

in yesterday’s post, i noted how it melts my heart when the boys that i used to nanny say my name. i especially love that when one of them says it, it sounds like he’s saying my nickname. he runs up to me, gives me a hug, and in his precious little voice says, “hi, c-tine.” there is such sweetness in that recognition and familiarity.

as i wrote about it last night, i was struck by how God must feel the same way. He loves to hear us say His name, especially when we speak to Him familiarly. that’s not to say that we shouldn’t give Him the honor and respect that He deserves. but just like an earthly father longs to hear his child call him daddy and wrap her arms around his neck, so does our heavenly Father long for us to come to Him as a child, calling out to and running to Him throughout the day, not because of what He can give us, but just because we want to be in His presence. “hi, daddy! i love you! watch what i can do!” what delight that brings His heart.

i think about the first time that michael played the song ‘Abba, Father’ during a prayer meeting. as he sang about us laying our heads against the Father’s heart, i got such a strong picture of how, as His children, the blood that makes His heart beat is the same blood that flows through us. and the more we sit with our head on His chest, the more our heartbeat will start to resemble His - the more that what stirs His heart to compassion will start pulsing through our veins, as well. our character will more closely resemble His, and we will start loving the way that He loves.

“love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men. be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” (luke 6:35-36)

last night at emanate, alyn told a story about how he had placed his palm against his daughter’s and spoken a blessing over her. then his other daughter reached out her little palm and said, “bless me daddy.” his point was that when we hear of other people receiving blessings, so often our response is to get jealous. but it’s not that God doesn’t want to give us one. His heart is always to bless His children.



in john 14:18, Jesus promises, “i will not leave you as orphans; i will come to you.

“God sent forth His Son ... so that He might redeem those who were under the law, that we might receive the adoption as sons. because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, [by which we can cry] ‘Abba! Father!’ therefore you are no longer a slave, but a son; and if a son, then an heir through God.” (galatians 4:4-7)

God is not looking for pomp and circumstance. we bring such delight to His heart just by saying His name that He cannot help but lavish us with good things. all that He has is ours. we need only ask.

c-tine's day off ...

this has been a whirlwind day full of people i love & reveling in God's goodness, so i haven't exactly had time to write. but i was able to capture some of the moments ...

after sleeping in a bit, i got to pound out a few miles with a dear friend - "on life's long road we're blessed to find, a kindred heart with matching stride."

after that, i met up with the boys i used to nanny for lunch at the park. i seriously cannot believe how big they've gotten! and it never fails to melt my heart when they say my name ...


next i had to stop at walmart to grab a few things and was beyond delighted to discover that after being up to over $2 each for quite some time, avocados are now back to 60 cents a piece ... bring on the guacamole! i love knowing that even my delight over something so small brings delight to God.


that was followed by an appointment with the pulmonologist and, big surprise, christine is a mystery! more labs run and a ct scan scheduled. continued prayers for answers and healing appreciated.

but then i got to go to bobbie's dairy dip for an early dinner with michelle! i hadn't been in so long, and knew that she was the only one in nashville who could truly appreciate its significance. everyone should check them out - they have amazing burgers & shakes!


that was followed by some time at vanderbilt children's hospital to visit with troy & sara perry, and their sweet baby justice - i wore my 'too blessed to be stressed' shirt today just for them. justice was born september 30th and has been in the hospital ever since with serious heart issues. they are fighting an uphill battle, but they are fighting on their knees. watch for them on fox 17 news tomorrow night. and you can follow their story here: pray for justice micah perry. especially be praying tonight, as they hit some bumps right after i left.


finally, since i don't have school again tomorrow, i was able to go to emanate - grace center's young adult worship service. i've really missed being able to go, and tonight was a divinely timed reminder to honor God by trusting Him in BIG ways.


days like today make me even more grateful for my job -

don't take a single day for granted. take delight in each light filled hour! (ecclesiastes 11:8)

sometimes i forget ...

the ability to trust God for His best means mourning what you thought would be and letting go of what you thought should be.

by God’s grace alone, i’m able to do this with relative ease most of the time. i know that He has “plans to prosper [me] and not to harm [me], plans to give [me] hope and a future.” (jeremiah 29:11). i know that what satan intended for harm, God intends for good to accomplish His purposes (Genesis 50:20). i know that He is the good shepherd who came that we may have life, and have it to the full (john 10:10-11). i know that i will not be forgotten by Him (isaiah 44:21). “and [i] know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” (romans 8:28).

but sometimes i forget.

sometimes my unmet desires become heavier on my heart than God’s prevailing promises. sometimes the sickness of deferred hope (proverbs 13:12) is greater than the strength that comes from waiting on Him (isaiah 40:31). sometimes this little sheep loses sight of how good her shepherd is.

in times like these, i need to be reminded to remember ...

my soul is downcast within me; therefore i will remember You. (v. 6)

i need to remember that the crashing waves of God’s love are far greater than the waves of this world, and that His love is with me always ...

deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. by day the LORD directs His love, at night His song is with me—a prayer to the God of my life. (vv. 7-8)

it’s encouraging to remember that i can cry out to Him ...

i say to God my Rock, “why have you forgotten me? why must i go about mourning? ...) send me your light and your faithful care, let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell. (v. 9 & 11)

david asks for God to send His light and care, but the reality is that these things never leave us. and the reality is that david knows this, too. three times in these two chapters he asks, "why, my soul, are you downcast? why so disturbed within me?" and three times he reminds himself to praise and put his hope in God.

hebrews 10:23 says, “let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.”

it is not our hope that should not waver, but our hold on the confession of that hope. so it’s okay that we wrestle with God over matters of the heart as long as we keep reminding ourselves of His faithfulness. it is that reminder which enables us to lay our own wills - and ideas of what could and should be - on His altar, and praise Him simply because He is our God.

then i will go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. i will praise you with the lyre, o God, my God. (psalm 43:4)

why cheerleaders annoy me ...

warning: i’m feeling rather cynical today ...

it’s fall, which means that it’s football season, which means that it’s cheerleading season. my apologies to anyone who is or has ever been a cheerleader, but i honestly find them so annoying.

i have nothing against the girls (and guys) themselves, but i just have such a hard time with anyone telling me how i should feel. if i’m fired up, i’ll be fired up all on my own, thanks. but if i’m not fired up, then you chanting at me from below to ‘get fired up‘ is certainly not going to be what changes my mood. i’m also not a fan of anyone telling me how i should express what i’m feeling. if i’m excited, then i’d like to be excited in my own way, not clapping my hands and spelling words how and when you tell me to.

right or not, this applies to pretty much any situation for me. so often in christian settings, the pastor or worship leader will try to guilt the congregation/audience into getting fired up for God by reminding them how exuberant they would be if they were at a concert or sporting event. but the fact of the matter is, there are very few instances where this is actually the case for me. that’s not to say that i don’t get excited. i’m just more reserved in my expression. my excitement probably isn’t going to look like the next person’s excitement. you might not be able to see that i’m jumping up and down on the inside, but that doesn’t mean i’m any less excited or that my excitement is worth any less.

i’d just rather not have you tell me what to do or say to show my love for the Lord. my relationship with Him isn’t going to look like anyone else’s relationship with Him, just like no two of my friendships are going to look the same, or like no two couples will express their love for each other in the same way. it’s kind of like a friend’s status today -

I wish everyone felt the freedom to be exactly who they are knowing they'd be loved no matter what. But first we've gotta love like that.

so i’m going to be excited my way and you be excited your way, and i’m going to show love this way and you show love that way, and we all can rest in the assurance of knowing that God loves us just the way we are because, after all, He’s the one who made us this way.

okay, so i warned you that i was feeling cynical. i recognize that there is another side to this coin, but i’ll save that for a day when i’m in the right frame of mind to put a more positive spin on things. thanks for the hours of hard work you put in, cheerleaders, whether on the field or in life. even if you can’t get me to jump up and down, there's always someone else who needs that extra push ...

come be with me ...

so ‘pay it forward’ was a very inspiring ... and a very blog-inspiring ... movie. one of my favorite moments is when the mom, a recovering alcoholic who is having a very hard time staying on the wagon, is talking to her son and says -

“if you would be with me on this. if you would think that this is possible. then i think i can.”

it’s one thing to try and have the strength to believe in yourself. it’s something else entirely to have the strength that comes from someone else believing in you. that’s not to say that you should ever expect someone else to do it for you, and another person’s support means nothing if you don’t want it for yourself, but when you really, truly want it, having them be ‘with’ you can be exactly what you need to stay on the right track.

the Christian group watermark has a song called ‘more than you’ll ever know’ which says -

you had faith, when i had none
you prayed God would bring me a brand new song
when i didn't think i could find the strength to sing ...

'cause you've been more than a friend to me
you fight off my enemies
'cause you've spoken the truth over my life
and you'll never know what it means to me
just to know you've been on your knees for me
oh, you have blessed my life
more than you'll ever know

what a blessing it is to have someone fighting on your behalf, speaking truth to, praying for, and believing in you. and what a blessing it is to be that kind of someone for someone else. we were created for relationship, but one of satan’s greatest tricks is trying to convince us that we can do it on our own. after spending much of my life in relationships built on self-reliance, being wanted and needed is now such a mind-boggling concept to me. but that it is what creates connection and communicates love between two people. that is what carries you through when life gets too hard to do on your own.

as amy grant says in her song ‘come be with me’ -

baby this life can break your heart
everyone hurts to some degree
so while this world is falling apart
why don't you come be with me?

we are all faced with life’s hurts at one time or another. we can either fall apart while facing them alone, or let the world fall apart around us while facing them together.

two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: if either of them falls down, one can help the other up. but pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. (ecclesiastes 4:9-10)

bachelorette 'gourmet' ...

as much as i love to write, i also love to play in the kitchen. i've wanted to include this as part of my blog for a while, and though tonight's creation might not be the best [most enticing] example, i thought it would be the perfectly crazy place to start.

i am what you could call a pantry chef ... look in the pantry, fridge or freezer, see what i have on hand, and figure out a tasty way to combine it all - as simply and easily as possible. i'm a good cook, but when you're only doing it for 1, putting in a bunch of effort just doesn't seem worth it - i get much more creative when it comes to cooking for others. but being on a budget means no frivolous ingredients, cutting corners wherever possible, and making the most of every last leftover. my stints in the kitchen are also usually very limited, so i don’t spend a lot of extra time on prep or waiting or baking either.

tonight is classically unique christine. i started with some fresh broccoli and grape tomatoes that needed to be used. my plan was to add them to a bowl of pasta with chicken and then build from there. frozen chicken is great, but i always keep cans on hand to throw in with salads or pasta. i had some whole wheat noodles at home, but was inspired by my roommate to buy a box of halloween-themed kraft macaroni and cheese for $1 when checking out at target ... what can i say, i’m a sucker for fun-shaped food! despite the splurge, i just couldn’t bring myself to indulge in the fake cheese, so instead i added some cottage cheese and shredded cheddar cheese that i had left over and made a creamy sauce. for flavor, i sprinkled ‘the melting pots’ garlic and wine seasoning on top. i steamed the broccoli and sliced the tomatoes, then tossed it all together.

it might sound weird, but i really enjoyed this grown-up twist on a childhood favorite!

all that being said, i would also love to extend this service to anyone reading - send me an ingredient list, and i'll come up with a fun and easy solution. i've spent many years as a nanny, so am definitely able to take the preferences of children into account, and make meals suitable for a whole family, especially a family on the go. dietary restrictions? bring 'em on! from appetizers to desserts, breakfast to dinner - you name it, i’ve concocted it. and my specialty is coming up with healthy, easy alternatives for classic recipes. check out my mobile uploads on facebook for some more examples, and i’ll post my newest creations here from time to time.

anyone brave enough to give it a whirl?

let me see your scars ...

there are two lines in the song that i mentioned yesterday which say -

Would you like a little company? ...
Are you mad at me? -- let it show ...

it takes a lot to let others in when something is wrong - to let them see you at your worst. it’s especially hard when they’ve done something to hurt you, because that means admitting they have the power to hurt you.

in the movie ‘pay it forward', which i watched a couple weeks ago, the teacher has a hard enough time letting people in because of the obvious scars that cover his face. when the little boy asks what happened, the teacher automatically assumes that the boy is making fun of him, unable to believe that he is genuinely interested and concerned. when the teacher starts getting involved with the boys mother, he has an even harder time letting her get close.

she says, “whatever happened to you, you look good to me.”

“you look good to me, too. i’ve just never been here before.”

“okay, so you’re scared. i’m scared, too. but i want that. i want that with you.”

“you don’t see me. my life is familiar. my life is manageable. as long as i have that, i’m okay. if i don’t have that, i’m lost.”

“is that what you want?”

“yes!”

“i don’t believe you.”

“it’s not about you.”

“yes it is. you’ve been offered something here, but you don’t want it. i can’t reject you, you’re too quick for me.”

as it turns out, not only his face, but also almost his entire body is covered with scars, and he is terrified that they will scare her away. it is easier to create a safe, orderly life for himself than to open himself up to the pain of rejection. but there is something so powerful about letting someone see and touch your scars. and not just the obvious scars that everyone can see, but also the deep, painful ones that can only be seen in your darkest, most vulnerable moments.

like the mother says, it’s scary to open yourself up to someone else. it’s scary to give someone the power to hurt you. but it’s better to be scared with another person than to stay protected and all alone.

we’ve all got junk. we’ve all got scars. it’s so hard to admit it. but when you’re willing to let the light of someone else's love shine on the places that you’ve tried to keep hidden, it’s actually not repulsive but incredibly beautiful and inspiring.

don’t be afraid to show your scars. don’t be afraid to admit that you’ve been hurt. don’t sacrifice being seen for who you really are.

'nothing' might not be as bad as you think ...

my friend will often sing these lines from the song ‘nothing’ by edie brickell & new bohemians ...

There's nothing I hate more than nothing
Nothing keeps me up at night
I toss & turn over nothing
Nothing could cause a great BIG fight

the song is talking about things from a relational standpoint. it’s so incredibly frustrating when something is clearly wrong with someone - particularly someone you love - but when asked what it is, all they say is ‘nothing’. we want to help. we want to fix. we want to be there. but we can’t do that if they won’t let us in.

then today i was thinking about how hard ‘nothing’ can be to deal with on a much grander scale. in our human nature, we want answers. we want solutions. we want to be doing. but what about when we pray and all we hear from God is nothing. we ask Him what He wants us to ‘do‘ and His answer is ‘nothing’.

it’s so much easier to be investing our time and energy into something with a clearly defined purpose and acknowledgement of our efforts, than to be working toward something with no guaranteed outcome. but God’s ‘nothing’s are not without purpose. the former may be a totally worthy and noble cause. but if God has called you to do ‘nothing‘ for a season, then you might miss the blessing while doing the ‘something’.

i think of moses. he was raised as pharaoh’s son - certainly a something. but then he spent 40 years in the desert, doing ‘nothing’ but leading his father-in-law’s sheep. it was there that God prepared and called moses to do a great something - leading the nation of israel out of slavery, through the desert, to the promised land.

i think of ruth. she lost everything, then gave up the promise of something better, in exchange for a life of seeming nothingness with her mother-in-law naomi. but it was there, in a foreign land, that God blessed ruth’s humble submission by bringing her a new husband, and ultimately using her to perpetuate Jesus’ lineage.

i think of david. he was anointed as the next king of israel, and yet spent his early years doing nothing but tending sheep, and then running for his life from some of his closest friends and family. after becoming king, a poor choice born of idle nothingness could have cost him everything, but God turned even that into something.

we must be careful not to get so caught up in our own somethings that we miss the somethings that God has for us. it’s hard not to be afraid of nothing, but we have to trust that our time and efforts - or lack thereof - are not being wasted.

just think ...

if moses had decided to do something other than nothing, he would have missed the burning bush. if ruth had decided to choose something over nothing, she would have missed out on boaz. if david had allowed the times of nothing to keep him down, he never would have been called a man after God’s own heart.

these stories of ‘nothing’ give us so much hope that God is up to ‘something’. just keep believing that God’s nothings are not for nothing.

to love, cherish ... and run :)

it’s gonna take me another day to get my writing brain back on all the way. but tonight my friend noel posted this as his status:

Runners are so annoying. Their leg could fall off and be carried into a jungle by a gorilla & they'd STILL find a way to go on their scheduled run. They're all crazy.

and as i sat here contemplating the connection - or lack thereof - between two people, it occurred to me that love is a lot like running.

running is something you have to decide to do. sure, most of the time it feels great and even if it’s hard to get out the door, you’re always glad that you went. you go even when you’re tired, or stressed, or hurt because you know it will make you feel better. if i only ran when i felt like it, then i wouldn’t be a runner. but it’s something i’ve made a commitment to do, and it’s who i’ve made the commitment to be.

in the same way, love can’t just be about a feeling. you love because it makes you feel good, and it’s good for you. the fact of the matter is that feelings fade. it’s simply not possible to feel the same way about a person all the time. stuff happens - you’re tired, you’re stressed, you’re hurt by something they say or do.

love isn’t just something that you commit to do. it’s who you commit to be. as it says in john 4, “God is love.” He doesn’t just show us love. that’s who He is. if you’ve made the decision to love someone, then that’s who you need to be. you have to keep on doing it, even when you don’t feel like it.

even if you’re missing a leg.

because really, to love someone, you have to be a little annoying, and a lot crazy.

we went to the chapel ...

it will certainly take some time to process the awesomeness that was today. i can hardly believe that it's already over ...

and that stacey and jimmy are actually married!


i got to watch so many of my sweet friend's dreams come true today, on many levels. it was a beautiful thing. there is so much hope in that. love and forgiveness and reconciliation are all possible, and often when you least expect them.

looking around tonight, i was struck anew by what a truly amazing group of family and friends we have been blessed with ...

how exciting to welcome jimmy, and the new family that he and stacey represent!

marriage: quotes to consider ...

having fun finding quotes to use at the reception, and thought i would share ...

say something silly.
laugh til it hurts.
take a risk.
tell a secret.
sing out loud.
shake things up.
color outside the lines.
order dessert.

"It is only possible to live happily ever after on a daily basis." —Margaret Bonanno

life is slippery. here, take my hand - h. jackson brown jr.

The more you invest in a marriage, the more valuable it becomes. - Amy Grant

A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' come together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences. - Dave Meurer

To get the full value of joy, you must have someone to divide it with. - Mark Twain

What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility. - Leo Tolstoy

I got gaps; you got gaps; we fill each other's gaps. - Rocky

Grow old along with me. The best is yet to be - the last of life for which the first was made. - Robert Browning


love endures all things. (1 corinthians 13:7)

three things will last forever. faith, hope, and love - but the greatest of these is love. (1 corinthians 13:13)

i will make you my promised bride forever i will be good and fair i will show you my love and mercy. (hosea 2:19)

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” (genesis 2:18)

The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the Lord. (proverbs 18:22)

what God has joined together, let man not separate. (matthew 19:6)

above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (1 peter 4:8)

But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD. (joshua 24:15)


all because two people fell in love.

someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.

a laugh is a smile that bursts.

too much of a good thing can be wonderful.

a lifestyle of believing God makes you bolder in your love for others and in what you can believe God for in their lives.

i’d like to be the friend (to you) that you have been to me.

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine. you make me happy when skies are gray. you’ll never know dear, how much i love you. please don’t take my sunshine away.

One of the nicest things you can say to your partner, "If I had it to do over again, I'd choose you. Again."

a good marriage must be created.
in marriage, the little things are the big things.
marriage is never being too old to hold hands.
marriage is remembering to say ‘i love you’ at the end of each day.
marriage is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.
marriage is having the capacity to forgive and forget.
marriage is giving each other a safe place in which to grow.
marriage is not only marrying the right person. it is being the right partner.

and, my most favorite find ...

I didn't marry you because you were perfect.
I didn't even marry you because I loved you.
I married you because you gave me a promise.
That promise made up for your faults.
And the promise I gave you made up for mine.
Two imperfect people got married
and it was the promise that made the marriage.
And when our children were growing up,
it wasn't a house that protected them;
and it wasn't our love that protected them -
it was that promise.
Thornton Wilder, The Skin of Our Teeth

here's to everyone finding someone to promise with,

each and every day.

choosing to live ...

tried to do this from my phone, but it didn't work ...

the curse of a photographer is capturing the moments instead of getting to live them. the curse of the writer is observing the moments instead of letting yourself enjoy them.

i am blessed with both curses.

i have the choice to sit back and watch, or to live and enjoy.

that being said, there will be a few pics, and even fewer words, but many many precious memories to show for this wedding weekend.

life is too short to not soak in every sweet moment ...


happy wedding, stacey! <3

turning 30 ... and the best is yet to come!

thought it would be fun to look back at old journals from my birthday, and thought this one from my first year in nashville was interesting.

another day and another year older ...


i was just thinking about what i have to show for the last year. for starters, i’m here, and that’s saying a whole lot. really, looking back, i can probably say that i have more to show for this past year than i have for any other year i can remember.

while i’ve been really depressed by my spiritual growth - or lack thereof - i feel like i have grown emotionally by leaps and bounds. i truly stood up to my parents for the first time. i made my first significant dent in my weight since high school. i challenged myself to come out of hiding and ask for help.

this week has just been disheartening because i feel like i’ve gone back to ground zero in a lot of ways, but i can see now how God is calling me to grow in Him. i never want there to be a doubt in my mind as to whether He knew me or not (matthew 7:21-23). a lot of me is absolutely terrified of being ‘found out’ for the fraud that i feel like i am. but it’s not like there’s anything keeping me there. there’s no reason i can’t become a complete sayer and doer of the Word ... other than PRIDE!

i’m also realizing that i’ve gone back into hiding in a lot of ways because of everything that happened before i left, and i’m really gun shy about the whole serious friendship thing. i want friendships in which i can feel safe, but am so afraid to open myself up for another huge rejection. i’m having to fight my way back to vulnerability.

my birthday is now officially over - another unassuming day on the planet, save some cake and one sweet friend. here’s to a new beginning, and renewed passion, and fearless living, and dreams pursued, and God’s plan revealed. may next year hold even more promise than the last!

oh, how i love seeing the evidence of answered prayers - especially ones that i had forgotten, or feel that i was not faithful in praying. God truly does desire to fulfill the desires of our hearts, even the unspoken ones.

it still blows my mind to think that i live in nashville, and have been here for over 6 years. despite all the challenges and seeming setbacks and not being where i thought i’d be, i would never trade where i am. i love the huge ways that God has continued to grow me emotionally, as well as spiritually. there has been healing in the relationship with my parents, food no longer has a hold on me like it did for so long, and i have experienced more freedom than i ever thought possible. slowly but surely, God has been chipping away at my pride and insecurities, bringing me back out of hiding and into relationships where i can feel safe enough to be seen.

this has been another largely unassuming day on the planet, but with many, many more amazing friends. the past year has brought many new beginnings, renewed passion, [more] fearless living, dreams pursued, and God revealing more of His plan for me.

with blessings like that, every day is like a birthday. i cannot think of a better way to start my 30s.