God in 'sex & the city' - part 2

well, i have now written every day for over three weeks straight. and more in one month than in the previous two years combined. God. is. good.

in celebration, here is my second installment of “God in ‘sex and the city’”.

carrie returns to the computer store, only to discover that all they could recover from her hard drive was a bunch of gobbledegook (ps. i will have you know that my word processor just recognized that word!). she, of course, is devastated.

And here’s what we could recover from your hard drive …

(There it was. My past. It was a mess.)

Now, we can replace your motherboard. But you HAVE to get yourself a backup system … Start saving. Next time you won’t lose everything.

writing is my longest and deepest passion. i asked for writing homework in kindergarten. i had a story published in 2nd grade. i wrote poetry prolifically in 5th and 6th grade. i even enjoyed using papers as a way to express my beliefs in junior high, high school and college. but somewhere along the way i lost sight of the love that had been placed within me. writing had been my voice, and i was allowing myself to be silenced.

that silence gave satan a lot of room to start talking, and as i started listening, i - like the israelites - quickly forgot so much of what God had given me throughout the years - truths, promises, insights. and also like the israelites, forgetting = wandering. time and time again, i was sidetracked, sideways, and ultimately sidelined in my relationships with others, with God, and with His plans for me.

in the past few months, i felt God challenging me to start looking back through my journals at all the things He had done and said ... and finally start doing something with them. through Bible study, what people shared at church and prayed over me ... and ‘sex and the city’ ... i knew that God was drawing a line in the sand.

it was now or never.

if i didn’t put a backup system into place, i was headed for a full-on crash. but if i started saving, then the next time satan started trying to speak his lies, i wouldn’t lose everything like i had so many times before. i don’t know where this journey is taking me. so often i have let the not knowing keep me from doing anything at all. but now all i know is that i just need to be faithful in the one step that has been placed before me.

what has God said to and done for you in the past that you may have forgotten along the way? when presented yet again with the dilemma of not having enough bread, the disciples doubted, forgetting the miracles that Jesus had already performed.

do you not yet see or understand? do you have a hardened heart? HAVING EYES, DO YOU NOT SEE? AND HAVING EARS, DO YOU NOT HEAR? and do you not remember? (mark 8:18)

don’t allow a lack of memory to keep you from operating in the fulness of what God has for you.

for we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them. (ephesians 2:10)

clean slates ...

one of my favorite things about my job is a child’s incredible ability to wipe the slate clean.

yesterday ended in a full-on battle of the wills with one of my kiddos, and him screaming at the top of his lungs that i was no longer his friend. today was probably the best day we’ve had yet.

1 corinthians 13:5 & 7 says that love “is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

at what age do we start keeping score? when do the offenses start piling up so high that we can’t get past them quite so easily? how do we get to the place of no longer being able to look at our current circumstances without first putting them through the filter of past experiences? why do we make others pay for our own sins and mistakes, fears and scars, or those of someone else?

when do we stop loving the way that God created us to love? the way that He loves us?

as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. (psalm 103:12)

He has removed our transgressions from us. what right have we to hold another’s transgressions against them?

the faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning. (lamentations 3:22-23)

i cannot tell you how incredibly thankful i am for this promise - to know that when i wake up my slate is wiped clean and that God is ready and waiting to make this our best day yet. He doesn’t remember the bad things that happened yesterday, and neither should we. and because He doesn’t remember, He also won’t remind us of them. He only wants us to come to Him with a completely clear conscience and climb in His lap, just like a child coming to her daddy, not letting fear or shame hinder our relationship.

but Jesus called the children to Him and said, “let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” (luke 18:16-17)

the kingdom of God is a clean slate, and God’s love is the great eraser. as we go through a day, our slates may get marked up, but God’s love is right behind to wipe them clean. and because of His love in us, we have also been given an eraser to wipe away the marks left by other people.

this could be your best day yet. will you start wiping?

God in 'sex & the city' - part 1

i have a confession.

my name is christine and i like reruns of ‘sex and the city’.

don’t judge.

i watch them on tbs, so they are much more tame than the original hbo version. that’s not to say i will give it a glowing, family-friendly endorsement. but i cannot tell you how many times i have turned on an episode, only to have it speak to whatever i’m dealing with at the time. what can i say, when carrie slips into writer mode, she has some really wise and insightful things to offer. plus, she’s a writer, so it has that added draw.

about 6 weeks ago, i was having a really difficult week and flipped on the tv to help me focus on my work (aka distract me from what was going on in my head). i landed in the middle of an episode of ‘sex & the city’, and within 5 minutes it addressed every single one of the issues i had been fighting with all night.

everyone got a kick out of my resulting facebook status. “nothing like an episode of ‘sex & the city’ to provide a rhema word.” i figure that if God could speak through balaam’s donkey, He can speak through anything.

thank God for my friend’s dvr so i could press pause and copy down the dialogue. there was a lot of good material, so i’ll just include the first part tonight. carrie’s computer had crashed and she was fighting with her boyfriend over not having backed it up.

I have my own system. It works just fine.

*Laughs* Oh, yeah right! You sure about that?

Yeah, I am. I’m not ready for a new computer ... My whole life was on that computer.

Oh I get it. It’s all you. I’m not a part of any of this …

I gave you my keys! What more do you want?!

Your keys?! Oh great. So now I can get into your front door. *Points at heart* How do I get into there? Huh?

I’m sorry. But I’ve been taking care of myself for a really long time. You may not like it, but this is how I deal with things.

*Returns key*

ouch.

opening your heart. letting people in. letting go of control. and of your past.

all things that i needed to be reminded of that night. God is always speaking - whether through His Word, the Holy Spirit, other people, or circumstances - to anyone who is willing to listen ... and even to those who are not quite ready. He is a gentleman and will never force Himself upon us. but He also knows exactly how to break through our guarded exterior and reach directly to the deepest parts of our hearts. He is a personal God, and will meet you right when and where you need it most.

acknowledge the God of your father, and serve Him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the LORD searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. if you seek him, He will be found by you. (1 chronicles 28:9)

where’s the most random place you can find God this week? :)

remembering ...

being reminded of the entrepreneurial endeavors that i undertook one summer 13 years ago.

pulling out an old journal from when i first moved to nashville 6 years ago.

getting an unexpected call from a friend i haven’t talked to in a long while, and reminiscing about when we met 9 years ago.

thinking about the possibility of catching up with friends from all over the country, much like we did 4 years ago.

nothing like a little walk down memory lane on a quiet sunday evening.

how have i changed? how have i stayed the same? has anything changed that needed to stay the same, and has anything stayed the same that needed to be changed? what have i let slip away, and what have i willingly (and necessarily) let go?

a lesson in focusing on what is important today, and not worrying about the rest.

a visionary. a teacher. a writer. creative. passionate. love the Lord, and my friends, and music.

i know i am not the same person that i was when i came here. i am so thankful for the grace and mercy and forgiveness that has made such a transformation possible.

looking back can be such a powerful tool. i have always related to the israelites and their chronic forgetfulness. i would be interested to count the number of times that their story of deliverance is recounted. and still they forgot. their forgetfulness causes them to wander in the desert for 40 extra years. then they get a second chance. they come to the jordan and are again faced with the opportunity to cross over. this time they choose to remember, and believe, all that God has done for them. then joshua has one man from each of the 12 tribes pick up a stone from the center of the river and set them up as a memorial of their crossing. that way, in the future when their children asked them what the stones meant, they could tell them about what God had done.

we, too, need stones of remembrance. how quickly we can forget all that God has said and done. and when we forget, we wander. but if we have stones - tangible representations of God in our lives along the way - it gives us the courage to keep going, to cross over when presented with a new and exciting, yet scary, opportunity.

where have you been? where are you now? what are your stones of remembrance? what is God asking you to step out into?

only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them fade from your heart as long as you live. teach them to your children and to their children after them. (deuteronomy 4:9)

the fire of praise ...

i worked outside for a good part of the day, taking trees that had been cleared and throwing them into a huge brush fire.


it’s funny because this morning in the car, some of us were reading proverbs 27, and i was particularly struck by verse 21:

fire tests the purity of silver and gold, but a person is tested by being praised.

there is no doubt that we feel the fire of life’s hardships - the pain of loss, the challenge of trusting when we don’t understand. but praise?

yes. and even more so. God wants to know how we will handle the fire of being in the limelight. will we keep it for ourselves or will we give it back to Him?

in acts 14, paul and barnabas heal a man with crippled feet. when the people saw what had happened, they believed that “these men are gods in human form!” and tried offering sacrifices to them. “but when the apostles barnabas and paul heard what was happening, they tore their clothing in dismay and ran out among the people, shouting, ‘friends, why are you doing this? we are merely human beings—just like you! we have come to bring you the Good News that you should turn from these worthless things and turn to the living God.’” (vv. 14 - 15)

that’s not to say that we should take on false humility. it’s okay to recognize and stand confidently in the gifts that we’ve been given. but when they are recognized by others, we need to make sure that we don’t ever let it go to our heads, forgetting for a second why we have them.

pride goes before destruction, and haughtiness before a fall. better to live humbly with the poor than to share plunder with the proud. (proverbs 16:18-19)

you see, when we are prideful, we are taking something that does not belong to us, just like plunder. i don’t know about you, but i’d much rather have what God has given me than what i can take from the world.

that brush fire got pretty darn hot today. i didn’t want to stand close to it for any longer than i absolutely had to. i don’t want to stand near the fire of the trials that God allows any longer than i have to, either. but our “God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. and WHEN [not if] you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” (1 corinthians 10:13) the faster we take that way out, the faster we get to step away from the fire.

really, praise is like the fire. will we be captivated by the flames, only to be burned? or will we acknowledge their beauty, but quickly turn our backs on the danger and return our focus to the source of all fire, heat & light? in the end, God’s praise is the only kind that matters. i choose the originator, not the imitator.

my name is dulcinea!

tonight i went to see my friend’s [show-stealing ;)] performance in ‘man of la mancha’. i’m pretty sure the last time i read the book or saw the play was for 9th grade spanish, so i had only a very vague recollection of the story going in. it’s funny how much more of an impact something can have when you’re not required to do it for a grade. there were so many awesome spiritual analogies and applications that i could spend at least a whole month going through them all, but i’ll just start with the one that struck me the most.

in the story, there is a less-than wholesome barmaid named aldonza. the men want her only for what she can offer them, and while she largely rejects their advances, it is clear that she has come to see herself as nothing more than a lowly “kitchen scullion”.

then don quixote enters the picture.

upon meeting her, he refers to her as a “sweet lady ... fair virgin” and insists on calling her dulcinea. “i have sought thee, sung thee, dreamed thee ... and the world shall know thy glory.” later on, quixote’s squire addresses her as a “most lovely sovereign and highborn lady ... fairest of the fair, purest of the pure, incomparable dulcinea.” she cannot fathom why he would ever say these things about her, to which the squire replies, “knights have their own language for everything ... and it’s better not to ask questions. it only gets you into trouble.” over time, aldonza begins to accept and step into her identity as dulcinea. but then some men take advantage of her and she slips back into seeing herself as nothing more than a “kitchen slut, reeking of sweat, born on a dung heap to die on a dung heap.” she would rather hold on to her anger than open herself up to the pain of tenderness. “i’m only aldonza the whore.” but don quixote is unrelenting. “now and forever you are milady, dulcinea.” in the end, she cannot deny the power of the things that he has spoken over her life. she is asked, “is it so important?”

“everything. my whole life. you spoke to me. and everything was ... different.”

someone refers to her as aldonza and she corrects them. “my name is dulcinea.”

that is how it is for us. we are nothing more than lowly kitchen scullions.

then God enters the picture.

He calls us lovely, sovereign, highborn, fair, pure and incomparable. He gives us a new name.

never again will you be called “the forsaken city” or “the desolate land.” your new name will be “the city of God’s delight” and “the bride of God,” for the Lord delights in you and will claim you as His bride. (isaiah 62:4)

we can try and deny that those things are true, but He has a language all His own and arguing with God only gets us into trouble. as you begin to accept and step into your identity in Christ, don’t expect it to come without contention. that is when you must cling to it all the more. let go of your anger over past hurts and open your heart to the possibility of a love greater than you’ve ever known. God will be unrelenting in His pursuit, until you are able to fully accept that what He says is true. when that happens, your whole life will be changed and you can proudly proclaim ...

my name is dulcinea!

H. U. G. S.

after my post on tuesday, i couldn’t help but pull out an acrostic poem that i wrote back in 6th grade.

H - eavenly angel wings
disguised as
earthly friendships
U - nderstanding
willingness
with arms open wide
G - iving your heart
and a listening ear
to lean on
S - mile impressions
wrapped in a
warm tight squeeze

i then started thinking about how hugs are not once mentioned in the bible. the only time the word appears is in job 24:8, referencing the poor hugging rocks in search of shelter. not exactly warm and fuzzy. i am not a theologian by any stretch of the imagination, but i’ll have to do some research on why that is. for now, my random ponderings will have to suffice.

dictionary.com defines a hug as “to clasp tightly in the arms, especially with affection; embrace; to cling firmly or fondly to, cherish; to keep close to.” based on that, and all of the things from my poem that a hug communicates, then i guess you would say that hugs are an implicit scriptural concept. in addition, the words cling or hold fast do appear many times.

it is both a command ...

joshua tells the israelites to “cling tightly to the Lord your God as you have done until now.” (joshua 23:8)

and a necessity ...

david declares, “i cling to You; Your strong right hand holds me securely.” (psalm 63:8)

it is the assurance of having someone on your side, being confident of your standing, and empowered to go out and continue fighting.

therefore, brethren, since we have confidence to enter the holy place ... let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith ... let us HOLD FAST the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful; and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another. (hebrews 10: 19a, 22a, 23-25a)

ultimately, we need not hug - cling to - a person, but to what we believe. once we are fully convinced of that, then we are able to encourage others - through a word, a smile ... or a hug :)

background music ...

when heading out on a run the other morning, i was frustrated to discover that my headphones had ceased functioning properly. all of the music was still coming through, but not the main vocals. i decided to wear them anyway, figuring that the music would still keep me going, which it did. between the background vocals and knowing all the songs that came on, i could still fill in most of the lyrics in my head. but not all of them. and sometimes the background vocals threw me off. it just wasn’t the same. i imagined that if i listened to the songs without the vocals for long enough, i would soon forget most of the words entirely, and the songs would certainly lose their power.

it’s like trying to do religion instead of relationship.

the background music - going to church, reading your bible, doing and saying the right things - will certainly keep you going for a while. between hearing it from other people, and what you’ve learned from being at church, you can still come up with a ‘sunday school answer’ for most questions. but not all of them. sometimes what you hear from other people will throw you off. it’s just not the same as hearing God’s voice first-hand. if you keep trying to make it through life on just the background music, coming up with the right answers will become much more difficult. you’ll start to forget what God has said, and His power will no longer have as much of an impact in your life.

it’s not enough to just know about God. God desires that we actually know Him. He desires a personal, intimate relationship with each and every one of us. zephaniah 3:17 tells us that “He will rejoice over you with singing.” but so often we get so caught up in the rules - in having the right answer - that God’s voice gets cut out of our lives. we’re running to the beat, but missing the melody. it‘s not that the background music isn’t important - we need the fellowship of other believers, to be connected to God’s Word, and to be walking in obedience. it just can’t be the only thing. the background music is what brings fulness to the melody line, not the other way around.

what are you listening to? WHO are you listening to? don’t let going through the motions, anything, or anyone keep you from hearing or make you forget God’s voice in your life. for in that voice is the promise of power, security, and eternal life.

my sheep hear my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. no one can snatch them away from me, for my Father has given them to me, and He is more powerful than anyone else. no one can snatch them from the Father’s hand. (john 10:27-29)

sometimes you just need a snuggle ...

this is the first full week of school for kindergartners where i work. they’re in a new place, with a ton of other new people - really loud people, a ton of new rules to remember, and for some of them, this is the first time away from their parents. i would be crying, too.

oh, wait. i am.

yesterday i noticed a little friend crying on the playground. on top of everything else, this friend also hardly speaks a lick of english. poor thing. i got the teacher’s attention, and she came and sat with her student for a while. then, just as we were getting ready to go back in, the little friend hopped up and started playing again.

sometimes you just need a snuggle.



at the end of a long, hard day, how much of a difference does it make to see a smiling face, to be greeted with a hug, or to hear someone say ‘i love you’? how much better does it make things to just sit and rest in the presence of someone who makes you feel completely secure.

for thus says the LORD, “behold, i extend peace to her like a river ... “as one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you.” (isaiah 66: 12-13)

human connection is absolutely critical. without it, children in orphanages fail to thrive. in genesis 2:18, God makes woman for man because He recognizes that “it is not good for man to be alone.” there’s no getting around the fact that we need each other.

but human connection is not always available. and it is never perfect. it is therefore so comforting to know that God has promised to give us peace and comfort.

be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. and the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (philippians 4: 6-7)

and if we have God, then we are called to extend the comfort that He has given to us.

the Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me, for the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted and to proclaim that captives will be released and prisoners will be freed. (isaiah 61:1)

will you be that smile, that hug, that expression of love to someone today?

digging wells - part 2 ...

okay. been otherwise inspired the past couple of days, but didn’t forget about this one.

then isaac dug again the wells of water which had been dug in the days of his father abraham, for the philistines had stopped them up after the death of abraham; and he gave them the same names which his father had given them. but when isaac’s servants dug in the valley and found there a well of flowing water, the herdsmen of gerar quarreled with the herdsmen of isaac, saying, “the water is ours!” so he named the well esek, because they contended with him. then they dug another well, and they quarreled over it too, so he named it sitnah. he moved away from there and dug another well, and they did not quarrel over it; so he named it rehoboth, for he said, “at last the LORD has made room for us, and we will be fruitful in the land.”

this passage from genesis 26 has become one of my favorites in the past couple of years as i have watched God unearth old wells, and take me to new ones, free from strife.

the first set of wells represent parts of your past that have been stopped up. like i mentioned in part 1, burying an issue doesn’t make it go away. isaac had to go back and reopen his father’s wells in order to fully move on. it’s no accident that these wells had been filled in after the death of abraham - the father of israel’s promise. how often, after season’s of great promise and faith, does satan love to come in and try to stop up our life source, keeping us from taking an honest look at our past, and making us forget who we are and what has been spoken.

once isaac had uncovered the old wells, he kept the name his father had given them. he knew that things from your past need to stay there. a stagnant well isn’t going to start flowing freely just because you change its name. that‘s not to say that the process of digging up the old wells wasn’t important, for it was in doing so that they uncovered the new wells of flowing water. but it’s probably not going to be easy. isaac’s servants were digging in the valley. digging up old stuff is hard work, and it will likely take you to some low places.

unfortunately, the new wells you discover will also probably not be without contention. there was a great debate over the first two wells of flowing water that isaac’s servants uncovered. if satan has been taking up residence in an area of your life for quite some time, don’t expect him to give up territory without a fight. but don’t quit digging. there was no quarrel over the third well that they dug, and they named it rehoboth, which means wide spaces.

if we are willing to do the work of uncovering old wells from our past, digging new wells to find flowing water, and fighting for what is ours until there is no more debate, then we can be assured that God will bring us to a place of rest and fruitfulness in Him.

the Lord is my shepherd; i have all that i need. He lets me rest in green meadows; He leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength ... even when i walk through the darkest valley, i will not be afraid, for You are close beside me ... you prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. my cup overflows with blessings. surely Your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and i will live in the house of the Lord forever. (psalm 23:1-3a, 4a, 5-6)

why did the cricket cross the road?

with yesterday’s entry, i had posted more in one month (and consecutively, to boot) than i had in all of either 2009 or 2010. with today’s entry, i have posted more in 2011 than in both previous years combined!

it is no longer i who live, but Christ who lives in me. so i live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. (galatians 2:20)

it’s pretty amazing what can happen when you are [finally] fully assured of your calling and step out in obedience. that’s not to say that i will never face writer’s block or get bogged down by my busy schedule, but i have been absolutely blown away by how easily the past 12 days have come. after all my stops and starts in the past, it feels good to have found some sure-footing with my writing.

it reminds me of the cricket we saw yesterday on our run (apparently sundays are going to be ‘lessons learned from bugs’ :) we were on a paved road with pretty large aggregate. this cricket started hopping across in front of us, but because the road was so bumpy, every time he landed he had to resituate and get his legs back under him before he could jump again. i immediately got this picture of us going through life.

john 16:33 tells us that “here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows.” you will inevitably face bumps in the road. the question is, what will you do with them? if that cricket had given up after stumbling a few times, he never would have made it to the other side of the road. in the same way, we can’t give up when bumps in the road cause us to lose our footing. we have to get back up, realign ourselves with God’s direction for our life, and keep going. there’s a beautiful grassy field of promise waiting just for us. bumps can either get in our way, or they can serve as launching pads to take us to the next place.

what if i had given up after any one of my writing setbacks? ‘oh, i obviously can’t stick with it, so why bother trying?’ i bother trying because staying in the middle of the road means baking in the hot sun or getting run over by a truck. if the israelites had never crossed over into the promised land, they would have continued wandering in the desert like after the first time they were supposed to cross over, or they would have been washed away with the torrent of water by staying stuck in the middle of the jordan.

i don’t know about you, but none of those options sound very appealing to me.

God’s promise of entering His rest still stands, so we ought to tremble with fear that some of you might fail to experience it ... so let us do our best to enter that rest. but if we disobey God, as the people of israel did, we will fall. (hebrews 4:1 & 11)

your rest is waiting. keep jumping.

the beauty of process ...

one of my most persistent struggles has always been knowing how to let people into my life. as much as i have desperately desired to have someone walking beside me, i haven’t known how to invite them into the process. i am a ‘gift wrapper’. i like to have things all figured out and neatly packaged before i ‘present’ my issue to anyone. unfortunately, that doesn’t leave much room for relationship.

this afternoon, i snuggled up with a blanket and a pillow to watch/ listen to my friend write a song. she was still figuring out lyrics and notes and chords, a process made more difficult because she was forcing herself write it on the guitar instead of the piano.

it was a beautiful thing.

she could have not done it with me there because she was worried about it not being perfect yet - about not having it all figured out, about working in a medium she is not fully comfortable with. but there was something so sweet about getting to witness the journey - the frustration, the elation, the raw emotion. she would check to see if a section was okay, and keep doing it over and over until it was just right. i know that being a part of the process will make me appreciate the finished product that much more.

what a perfect picture of relationship. my challenge is not worrying about it not being perfect yet - about not having it all figured out. i have to be willing to step outside of my comfort zone, even if that makes the process more difficult. i shouldn’t be afraid or ashamed of the emotions - they are just a part of the process. others can’t take as much joy in my elation if they have not also been allowed to experience my frustration. i have to keep fighting until the battle has been won, no matter how many times in takes. that doesn’t mean i’m asking them to fight for, or even with me. it’s just SO much easier to keep fighting when you know that you’re not in it alone. sharing the journey makes the final destination that much more beautiful, for everyone.

the same is true of our relationship with God.

i want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised Him from the dead. i want to suffer with him, sharing in His death ... i don’t mean to say that i have already achieved these things or that i have already reached perfection. but i press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. (philippians 3:10 & 12)

we don’t have to have it all figured out. we just have to keep pressing on. we’re all in process. and the coolest part is, we all get to be in process, together.

after writing that last night, i got this email in my today:
i want you to experience the riches of your salvation, the joy of being loved constantly and perfectly. you make a practice of judging yourself based on how you look or behave or feel. when you feel discouraged, you tend to look inward so you can correct whatever is wrong. instead of trying to ‘fix’ yourself, fix your gaze on Me (hebrews 12:2), the lover of your soul. (from Jesus Calling)

i sought the LORD, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. they looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces will never be ashamed. (psalm 34:4-5)

God is all about the process. we don’t have to have it all figured out for Him. but He can’t figure it out for us unless we’re honest about our struggles. as long as we keep looking to Him, we can let our guards down and not be ashamed. it is by inviting God into our process that we can have the confidence to invite others into our process. and the sharing of our process is a beautiful thing!

digging wells - part 1 ...

i was looking back at journal entries from this time two years ago and it served as a powerful reminder of how much God has done in my life since then. it’s one thing to feel like you’ve made changes. it’s another thing entirely to have them spelled out before you.

in that entry, i was lamenting about how it felt like i was right back in the bad place i had been so many times before. hadn’t i already dealt with this issue? i realized the answer was no. yes, i had faced the issue. but i had never truly dealt with it. i had never really been honest about it, or processed it completely. just because an issue goes away for a little bit doesn’t mean it has been resolved. it just means that it will rear its ugly head again later on, and usually with greater strength.

i’m reminded of the story of digging wells in genesis 26.

then isaac dug again the wells of water which had been dug in the days of his father abraham, for the philistines had stopped them up after the death of abraham; and he gave them the same names which his father had given them. but when isaac’s servants dug in the valley and found there a well of flowing water, the herdsmen of gerar quarreled with the herdsmen of isaac, saying, “the water is ours!” so he named the well esek, because they contended with him. then they dug another well, and they quarreled over it too, so he named it sitnah. he moved away from there and dug another well, and they did not quarrel over it; so he named it rehoboth, for he said, “at last the LORD has made room for us, and we will be fruitful in the land.”

there is SO much to unpack in that, and i am far too tired to do it tonight, but i hope that this little bit will encourage someone not to give up. you may feel like you’ve fought your battle a thousand times before, but i am believing with you that the 1001th time will bring a greater victory than you’ve ever known. you didn’t get to wherever you are overnight, so you can’t expect yourself to make a drastic change overnight, either. what the journey will entail is uncertain, but never doubt that it will be worth every single step.

not who we're not ...

for those of you who do not know, i am a special education teacher’s assistant at an elementary school in spring hill, tn. i started out as an education major, but then decided to pursue music business, which is what brought me to nashville. seven years later, it’s funny how things have now come full circle. i love living here more every day. and i love getting to work with the kids.

tonight i went to a class on strategies for paraprofessionals working with autism. one of the things they emphasized is people-first language. you don’t say the ‘autistic child’. they are a child who also happens to have autism. how often do we fall into that trap on a daily basis? the person with diabetes is a diabetic. the person with arthritis is an arthritic. the person with a drinking problem is an alcoholic. the person who sins is a sinner. we define people by their limitations. and people perform based on how they are defined by others.

thank God He doesn’t look at us that way! we are who we are, regardless of what we may have or haven’t done. and ephesians 1:3-7 says that we are chosen, adopted, blessed, forgiven, accepted and redeemed. even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into His own family by bringing us to Himself through Jesus Christ. this is what He wanted to do, and it gave Him great pleasure. (vv. 4-5)

what a relief! from the beginning of time, God knew my true nature. and yet He chose me for His own. i’m not awkward christine or controlling christine or selfish christine. i am simply christine, who happens to be awkward and controlling and selfish (among other things) at times. but i am HIS christine, and that is all that matters.

heart sick ...

yesterday i wrote about hope. today i opened my devotional to an entry i’ve been avoiding to find romans 5:3-5 as the focus scripture. then i watched an old episode of dr. quinn medicine woman (how i miss that show!) where sulley and dr. mike each struggle with the conflict of hoping for a child, while fearing the pain of disappointment. have i mentioned that i love when life lines up like that?

proverbs 13:12 says that “hope deferred makes a heart sick.” the traditional interpretation is that having to wait for the fulfillment of a desire makes your heart sick. but i also think it can be said that waiting without hope makes a heart sick. it’s not so much the waiting, but the attitude of the heart while waiting. are you waiting with confident expectation, or with doubt and impatience?

today’s devotion focused on the challenge of continuing to hope when we are forced to wait. in 1 samuel 8, despite the fact that samuel had served faithfully as a judge, and despite the fact that God had promised a king of His choosing, the people demanded that a king be appointed NOW!

a sick heart cannot make wise decisions.

instead of being willing to wait for God’s best, they wanted what everyone else had, even at the cost of their freedom. verse 20 says that they wanted a king so he would fight their battles.

how much have we sacrificed for the sake of an easy way out?

and as if all the things that we lose when we don’t wait aren’t bad enough, verse 7 tells us that not waiting is also rejecting God. we are telling Him that we don’t need Him, that He can’t be trusted, that we don’t believe He is who He says He is. i know how much it hurts when anyone even suggests those things about me. how much more must it hurt God when we say there is no reason to hope?

our reason to hope can be found in the previous chapter, in a prayer from the promised king, who knew what it was to wait ...

Sovereign LORD, you are God! Your covenant is trustworthy, and you have promised these good things to your servant. (1 samuel 7:28)

hope-full disappointment ...

yet this i call to mind and THEREFORE I HAVE HOPE: because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. i say to myself, “the LORD is my portion; therefore i will wait for Him.” (lamentations 3:21)

hope is such a tricky topic. far too complex to even begin covering here. i’m pretty sure i’ve written about this somewhere, at some point. i actually don’t have much to say about it tonight. i’ll let scripture speak for itself. i just needed the reminder.

they count on it but are disappointed. when they arrive, their hopes are dashed. (job 6:20)

how often have we been told, ‘don’t get your hopes up’? how easy is it to fall into the trap of living our lives in such a guarded manner?

and yet, we are told to “put your hope in the Lord—now and always.” (psalm 131:3)

always continue to fear the Lord. you will be rewarded for this; your hope will not be disappointed. (proverbs 23:17b-18)

hope is defined as ‘desiring something with confident expectation of its fulfillment.’ obviously, not everything we hope for is going to happen. how, then, can we not be disappointed? proverbs doesn’t say that WE will not be disappointed. it just says that our HOPE will not be disappointed.

one of job’s friends told him, “then you would trust, because there is hope; and you would look around and rest securely. (job 11:18)

but that’s actually not the way it works. romans 5 tells us that tribulations bring perseverance, which leads to character, and character to hope. (romans 5:3-4) so you don’t trust because of hope. you hope because of trust. the goal is not rest and security, but strength and growth. so even when the thing that you had so hoped for does not happen, and you are tempted to become disappointed, remember that “hope does not disappoint.” (romans 5:5)

romans 4:17b says that “God ... gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were.”

no matter what, you can trust that God is working to accomplish His ultimate purposes in and through you. He is bringing life to the dead parts of you. He is bringing about the parts of you that are not yet. the fact that He is a good God does not change, and because of that our hope can remain secure.

because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of His purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. we have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. (hebrews 6:17-19)

i will yet proclaim!

well, here we are. day 7 in my first full week of blogging. it’s late, but i couldn’t not write. appropriately, tonight was my last meeting for the ‘Believing God’ Bible study, which is what [finally] set me on this journey to begin with. i actually still have quite a few weeks of the study to catch up on since i started in the middle, and i’m eager and excited to see how God will move through the portions that remain ... and beyond.

as i reflect back on how God has grown my belief in Him over these last few weeks, i have to share one small testimony about how that was challenged just today. i am the queen of unexplainable symptoms that are generally not really serious, and usually resolve on their own eventually. it has been extremely frustrating to desperately want answers but not be able to find any. then, back in the winter i heard God say, “will you trust that i am still good even without an answer?”

oh.

since then, i’ve been better able to laugh at less serious situations when they arise (i.e. my tongue turning completely black for a couple days after eating a weird combination of food), and take the more serious ones in stride. the most recent development is a case of pleurisy, which is an inflammation of the lung lining that feels kind of like being stabbed in the chest whenever you move or breathe. thankfully mine has not been constant, but rather more of a periodic - albeit painful - nuisance. knowing there really isn’t anything they can do for it, i had avoided going to the doctor, but when it was still hanging on after three weeks i reluctantly made an appointment.

i got a chest x-ray and ekg. they asked questions and listened with their stethoscopes. and, as suspected, there wasn’t anything they could do other than tell me to take a regular dose of ibuprofen to try and stave off the repeated flare-ups ... and come back to see them if it didn’t get better. sigh.

fortunately, they told me i could keep running in moderation, since that didn’t make it worse. while that was an answer to prayer, when i stopped in the bathroom on my way out i told God that i really needed a clear word of encouragement from Him to know this had been worth it. as i came out of the bathroom, the doctor handed me some literature on pleurisy and said, “at least we didn’t have to remove any fluid from your lungs.”

thanks God.

despite the fact that i have a pesky infection which has hung on for over three weeks and put me in quite a bit of pain, at least it has not caused any potentially harmful fluid build-up. at least the pain is only intermittent and i am able to not only go on with my daily routine, but even to continue running. and as if those things were not enough, God is so interested in building my faith that He almost immediately answered my cry to hear from Him.

i will call to you whenever i’m in trouble, and You will answer me. (psalm 86:7)

i know satan would like to steal that from me, as i was hit with one of my worst episodes tonight during Bible study. still, i am absolutely humbled by God’s faithfulness, and it makes me that much more eager to continue on this journey of proclaiming it!

ants ...

why is it that the smallest things in life are often the greatest source of annoyance?

this afternoon was far too nice for me not to spend at least part of it sitting outside. so after church i set up camp in the shade under a tree with a blanket, some lunch, and my Bible study, thoroughly enjoying the fact that i wasn’t melting after 5 minutes flat. not surprisingly, it didn’t take long for the ants to discover my presence.

there were three types that took up residence on my blanket (not that i blame them - it was i invading their territory, after all): miniscule black ones, regular everyday ones, and larger reddish brown ones. the latter two proved completely harmless, but it was the smallest ones that quickly became a persistent problem. those tiny buggers could deliver some pretty painful bites. and they were everywhere. before i knew it, they had managed to find the one little opening in my lunch bag and completely overtake it. writing this hours later in a leather chair at starbuck’s, even after changing pants, i’m still finding them crawling on me. i can’t wait to get home and into the shower ... YUCK!

and so it is with sin. how often do we worry about the regular everyday ones, and the larger more evil looking ones. but we overlook the little ones. unfortunately, they are the ones that can pack the most painful punch. they are the ones that find the smallest area of weakness in our lives and completely take over when we’re not looking. and they are the ones that hang on even after we’ve left the environment and made changes to our lives. they are the ones that we can’t remove with any efforts of our own, but only with the cleansing blood of Jesus.

purify me from my sins, and i will be clean; wash me, and i will be whiter than snow. (psalm 51:7)

today in church, pastor steve talked about the story of Jesus clearing the temple from john 2. according to 1 corinthians 6:19, our bodies are now the temple of the Holy Spirit. in the same way that Jesus was committed to the temple being in order, God longs for our lives to be aligned with His perfect will and loves us enough to clear out whatever it takes for that to happen.

what are the pesky little sins in your life that need to be removed by the righteous power of God? He wants to wash them away with His purifying grace so you can be completely free from their pain and annoyance. and His purification is the best bug-repellant you can find :)

my God is with you ...

life is short. we all know this. and yet we so easily forget. then you’re standing in walmart and suddenly the fact that they changed your favorite hair product is remarkably inconsequential. suddenly every word in every condolence card - combined - can not come close to expressing the sentiments of your heart.

as a friend pointed out today, it’s mind-boggling to consider that God, in His infinite wisdom, would decide that someone’s time on earth should come to a close. especially someone so young, so full of life, and with an impact on so many people. or i think about the people who died at a sugarland concert tonight. one minute they’re enjoying their favorite music from a premium position. the next, they’re standing before God. stops you in your tracks to think about it.

i had the pleasure of enjoying some of my favorite music tonight, too (without event, thankfully). britt nicole has made up much of the soundtrack for the last 3 years of my life, and i so enjoyed finally getting to see her live. (i actually accidentally typed ‘life’ first, then realized what an accurate statement that is. her music isn’t just songs she sings. it’s backed up by an undeniable authenticity that makes me respect her that much more. but i digress.) afterward, she signed autographs for a while, and i saw that she had written 1 chronicles 28:20 along with her name.

then david said to his son solomon, “be strong and courageous, and act; do not fear nor be dismayed, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you nor forsake you until all the work for the service of the house of the LORD is finished.

this is actually one of my favorite verses, but i thought it was particularly applicable after today. first is the call to act. who knows when your time on earth will be done. never miss an opportunity to act, because you might not be here tomorrow. second, is the fact that God will be with us for as long as it takes for His work to be completed.

philippians 1:6 says, “for i am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.” we can never know when our ‘day of Christ Jesus’ will come, but we can rest assured that when it does He will have completed His perfected work in us ... even if that’s much earlier than we might like.

my thoughts and prayers are with the loved ones of all those that passed today. may we live our lives with greater purpose because of the legacies that they left.

YOU are divine ...

beth moore calls them ‘God-stops’. in the past i have called them ‘God-incidences’. whatever you call them, these are times in my life that God makes His voice clearly known through the repetition of themes. i open my Bible, a book, a magazine, turn on the TV, listen to radio, have a conversation, and they all seem to be saying the same thing ... and they all seem to be speaking directly to me. this is actually the way in which i hear from God the most, and it seems that the more i make note of them, the more frequent they become.

point in case - after i posted my blog on tuesday, i went back and looked at the last one i had posted, and laughed when i read the verse with which i concluded:

i tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘may you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. but you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart. (mark 11:23)

without realizing it, those words set me on a course of deeper belief this summer. as old wounds were revisited, God revealed long-standing areas of doubt in my heart. the ‘believing God‘ study could not have come at a more appropriate time. it was no longer enough for me just to know about and believe in God. for those hurts to be truly healed, i had to come to a place of actually believing God - that He is who He says is, and that i am who He says i am.

so then i started to write thursday’s post about faith & performance, but without much direction. lucky for me, that night’s dinner conversation was exactly what i needed to finish it off. i found myself in 1 peter 1:3, the first part of that verse being something that God has been hammering into my head for over a year now, then went on to cite verses 5 - 7 in relation to faith directing performance, rather than our performance leading to faith.

then, this morning i felt like i was supposed to pull out my ‘streams in a desert’ devotional, something i haven’t done in quite some time. i couldn’t help but laugh when i saw that today’s verse was 1 peter 1:4, “because of His glory & excellence, He has given us His great and precious promises. these are the promises that enable you to share His divine nature and escape the world’s corruption caused by human desires.”

again, i am being reminded of the need to revisit the promises He has made to me, which actually requires another post. but the main point remains that because we know Him, He has given us His promises, and because of His promises, WE HAVE HIS DIVINE NATURE!!!, and are empowered to live victorious lives. how cool is that?!

if we have access to a divine nature, we are certainly hard-pressed to be remembering the promises that give us that access. what have you been promised???

no expectations ...

Nothing like some stimulating dinner conversation to refine one’s daily blog post …

First day back to school. It’s gonna be an interesting year for sure. So much remains to be seen. Last year, there was something so nice about jumping in mid-stream. All the schedules and procedures were already established, and I just had to go with the flow for the most part. This year, I have a much better idea of how things work, and yet there are still so many unknowns. It’s hard to perform when you don’t know what’s expected of you, and as someone who likes to perform, this is a very uncomfortable place in which to find myself.

My relationship with God is much the same. As humans, we like clear-cut expectations. Why do you think God gave us the 10 commandments? The thing is, God’s expectations are essentially impossible to meet. But don’t be discouraged. He knows. He sent Jesus to bridge the gap between us and His impossible expectations. Now His only expectation is that we stop trying and simply accept that Jesus has made a way. Ironically, this is often more difficult than all of our best efforts.

We are called to live a life of faith. Hebrews tells us that “faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Romans tells us that “whatever is not from faith is sin.” Wow. That can seem a bit overwhelming. But I think it boils down to the motivation of our actions.

Do I do or not do something because I think it makes me more righteous, or because I am operating out of what I believe God has called me to, and who He says that I am? It seems that if we have more faith in God, we have both more and less faith in ourselves. We come to understand that we can’t do it on our own, and yet are empowered by the knowledge that “God has given us everything we need for living a godly life.” (2 Peter 1:3). Second Peter goes on to say, “Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone.”

If we choose to keep trying of our own accord, we subject ourselves to the consequences of God’s impossible expectations. If we choose to submit our efforts to the assurance of something greater than ourselves, then our righteousness is secure.

We are in a time of God calling His people to deeper levels of faith. We want things to be cut and dry. Tell me what to do and I’ll do it. But if we knew exactly what to do, then it would cease to be faith. He simply asks that, according to His promises, we conduct ourselves with moral excellence, knowledge, self-control, patient endurance, godliness, brotherly affection, and love for everyone. If we do that – whether at home, at school, at work, or following our dreams – we can’t go wrong.

the mess of togetherness ...

Alright, I’ve had this one mostly done in the queue for several weeks now, so for the sake of diving in to this writing thing, I figured I would finish it off today.

"You have freedom to 100% rock this! ... Messy is good. God likes messy. He wouldn't have chosen us if He didn't like messy."

I heard a friend speak this word of encouragement during a worship rehearsal several weeks ago, and was compelled to write it down. Somehow, these two thoughts don’t seem like they should go together. Rocking it out elicits images of a finely-tuned, exhaustively practiced stage show. Messy is what it took to get there. Yes?

Yes.

When it comes to God, the getting there IS what He’s interested in. He doesn’t care how good of a show we can put on. Perfection is HIS business. All He asks is that we rock our mess. We must stand confidently in who we are (because of who He says that we are), right where we are, no matter how messy that might seem to us. Trust Him with our mess. Trust that He trusts us with our mess. He’s not waiting for us to get our acts together. He just wants us to bring what we have to the table. At the risk of sounding cliché, He’ll make our mess into a beautiful thing.

At the time, I posted this as my status on Facebook. Another friend commented, "Without an ox, there is no mess in the stable."

I wasn’t sure where that came from, but as ‘luck’ would have it, it popped up in our Bible study the following week. This little nugget of wisdom can be found in Proverbs 14:4, and goes on to say, “you need a strong ox for a large harvest.” In the gospels, Jesus says, “The harvest is great, but the workers are few.” God wants a large harvest. God needs us for that to happen. He knows that will involve our messes. He’s okay with that. He designed it that way.

The same goes for relationships. They're messy.

oh, it's just a part of being a family

taking the good with the bad and the ugly ...

- Sanctus Real

You could avoid the mess by avoiding the people, but you would also be missing out on the sweet fruit that relationships bring to your life. Being okay with the messiness of relationships is a lesson I have been learning lately. The cool thing is, when you’re stinky together, you tend not to notice the smell quite so much. And when you’re in it together, you get to work at cleaning up the messes together. In the end, I’d rather have the divided work of the mess of togetherness, than the mess of me by myself.

testify to love ...

During the latter part of this summer, I jumped into Beth Moore’s Believing God Bible study with an amazing group of women from my church. It has been absolutely life changing, and I have barely even begun to scratch the surface. It feels like I need to go back through the whole thing with a fine tooth comb, making sure I don’t miss applying a single ounce of what God has spoken to me.

One of the big things He has spoken involves writing. This is not new – by ANY means – but I feel like this time around it’s a matter of sanctified (to make productive of or conducive to spiritual blessing) & consecrated (to devote or dedicate to some purpose) obedience, and why this afternoon finds me tapping away at my keyboard.

In the video from today’s session, Beth made a number of statements that really struck me.

“God wants to give things to people who are enthusiastic about receiving them … The more we clap, the more inclined He is to give an encore.”

If I want my encore, it’s high time that I start clapping!

The past two weeks of the study have been focused on finding God in our life stories. This was not a new concept or practice for me, but God has still been absolutely blowing my mind in terms of answering questions and revealing truths about my past. He has also been showing me how far He has brought me, especially in the last few years.

Just last night, I was thinking about how I spent so many years with the desperate longing to freely give and receive – and ask for – affection, but not knowing how. The reasons why would take many more posts, and there are still many questions surrounding this issue BUT, this morning during study, as I reached over to take my friend’s hand during prayer I heard God say, “I have done this!” Even as I write that, I can no longer see my screen through the tears streaming down my face.

I often get so caught up in the lingering questions that I let the lies of my past take me right back to that place, but the truth remains that GOD HAS DONE A GREAT WORK, and I can trust Him to complete it. I can trust – and thank Him even now for doing it – that He WILL show me how to accept & rest in love freely given.

For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love
I'll be a witness in the silences when words are not enough
With every breath I take I will give thanks to God above
For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love

What about you? What testimony can you give? What truth do you need to stand on today?