healing in the holding on ...

the past few weeks have certainly not lacked swings. God has continued to majorly challenge me in the areas of vulnerability and overcoming my past. and i've even seen some of the swings produce some pretty sweet revelations. but i unfortunately got sick right in the middle, putting a hold on my brain's ability to process all that God was doing in my life. i'm finally starting to sort through, and what i got was not a blog but a poem of sorts. it's been nearly 3 years since i've written one of these ... and i can't tell you how incredibly nervous i am to share it. i will likely be accused of ambiguity, but it is raw and unfiltered ... and perhaps you can relate.

I looked into her eyes
And found myself reflected there
The similarity so striking
I couldn’t turn away
Then too fast it was too late
And now I can’t help but
Hesitate

I’ve a hard time remembering that
My own worst fears
Are not confirmed
By a history not my own
Her past is not my present
Destiny not dictated by recounted
Memory

I am not the her that was then
You are not where you began
Very different hearts entwined
Life and lessons learned
But no less on the line
Struggling to stay in the now
To leave my heart open and out of the
How

If I believe that God
Put you in my life
Then although I don’t want to need you
I don’t think I have a choice
Teetering on vulnerability
Hurting is the safety of my promised
Healing

Letting you in
Means letting myself love you
I fight to let go
But find that means holding on
And that holding on
Means letting go of all that I know
For truly loving you
Means letting you love
Me

i'm getting married!!!

before i get to that, after yesterday's post regarding my commitment to let down my guard, my reading today included this - paul's plea to the corinthians - "... our hearts are open to you. there is no lack of love on our part, but you have withheld your love from us. i am asking you to respond as if you were my own children. open your hearts to us!" (2 cor. 6:11b -13).

'swing' duly noted (read piñata entry if you don't know what that means).

but the main reason behind two posts in two days came from yesterday's reading:

listen to me, o royal daughter;
take to heart what i say.
forget your people and your family far away.
for your royal Husband delights in your beauty;
honor Him, for He is your Lord!
(psalm 45:10-11)

my royalty is something that has been spoken over me a lot recently, so these verses immediately jumped out at me. if you've been around me much, you've probably heard me say that there is very little of my childhood that i remember. however, after doing a bit of relational history review with God, it occurred to me that pretty much every memory that did come to mind was negative. i guess that explains the laundry list of lies that i've been carrying around for so long.

my prayer is that God will help me to forget my past and the negative influences of the people in it, and truly come to understand my royal identity (see blog title - i'm "God's people", remember!), the delight of my Husband, and the beauty that He sees in me. as long as i am negatively influenced by my past, i am not honoring my Husband or allowing Him to be my Lord, and cannot embrace who He says that i am. in fact, i can't even get married until i believe that i am, indeed, a royal daughter.

i don't know about you, but if i'm being asked to choose between my past and my Husband, i'm getting married!!!

come on, you didn't REALLY believe me, did you? ;)

dig, run, surrender, win

my head is swirling with lack of sleep, recollections and expectancy. over the weekend, i was reading some old journal entries as i unpacked boxes, and found myself increasingly frustrated that i am again dealing with one of the same issues that i was over 10 years ago. like isaac in genesis 26 from sunday’s sermon, i feel like i’ve been ‘digging’ the same ‘wells’ over and over my entire life, only for them to be contested, and then letting them get filled in again by the enemy. then, this morning, i pulled out an old journal to plan my marathon training schedule, and couldn’t help but read the other entries. on one hand, it was again a bit frustrating to feel that i’m not any further along, but today a little bit of encouragement found its way in as i was reminded of just how far i HAVE come. it also reinforced a revelation i had on sunday - the reason i find myself dealing with the same issue time and again is not because i’m backsliding but because the issue was never really dealt with all the other times that it reared its ugly head.

and so, here i find myself again, but not without hope, and struck by the timing of it all. the entries i read over the weekend included notes from my first trip to nashville - the trip that made me believe i was supposed to move here, and this morning’s entries fell right before i made the trip to nashville just over 4 years ago that finally convinced me to move, on the weekend of new river’s grand opening in the movie theater no less. this morning’s entries talked about the last time i really surrendered myself to the process of healing (and also shame, but that’s another post), and right as i began training for my last marathon. unfortunately things didn’t exactly go as planned. unfulfilled promises and a great deal of rejection paved my way to nashville, and then an injury kept me from running my marathon. however, because i didn’t get to run the marathon, i was able to go on the church women’s retreat at garner creek - a retreat that began a new chapter of healing and relational openness (yes, i actually used to be LESS open ;)

and here i am today ... celebrating new river’s 10th anniversary, finally ready to surrender myself again, training for another marathon, and getting ready for another retreat at garner creek. last time, the race was not run, the training not completed. this time, just getting TO the training process has not been without pain, and i am under no illusions that the next 3 1/2 months will be easy. but i stand now believing that i will be able to say, both literally and figuratively, that “i have fought the good fight, i have finished the race, i have kept the faith” (2 tim 4:7). and while i will likely want to run another once the pain of 26.2 miles has faded, i also believe that this will be the last time i have to ‘dig this well’, that the water i find at the bottom will be flowing, and that i will finally be able to rest in the rehoboth (gen. 26:19&22) that God has prepared for me.

yesterday’s rerun of ‘gilmore girls’ put it perfectly ... “you don’t have room to complain about this relationship if you’re not willing to let your guard down at least once and be ‘normal’.” i’m done complaining. this girl’s guard is coming down.