dig, run, surrender, win

my head is swirling with lack of sleep, recollections and expectancy. over the weekend, i was reading some old journal entries as i unpacked boxes, and found myself increasingly frustrated that i am again dealing with one of the same issues that i was over 10 years ago. like isaac in genesis 26 from sunday’s sermon, i feel like i’ve been ‘digging’ the same ‘wells’ over and over my entire life, only for them to be contested, and then letting them get filled in again by the enemy. then, this morning, i pulled out an old journal to plan my marathon training schedule, and couldn’t help but read the other entries. on one hand, it was again a bit frustrating to feel that i’m not any further along, but today a little bit of encouragement found its way in as i was reminded of just how far i HAVE come. it also reinforced a revelation i had on sunday - the reason i find myself dealing with the same issue time and again is not because i’m backsliding but because the issue was never really dealt with all the other times that it reared its ugly head.

and so, here i find myself again, but not without hope, and struck by the timing of it all. the entries i read over the weekend included notes from my first trip to nashville - the trip that made me believe i was supposed to move here, and this morning’s entries fell right before i made the trip to nashville just over 4 years ago that finally convinced me to move, on the weekend of new river’s grand opening in the movie theater no less. this morning’s entries talked about the last time i really surrendered myself to the process of healing (and also shame, but that’s another post), and right as i began training for my last marathon. unfortunately things didn’t exactly go as planned. unfulfilled promises and a great deal of rejection paved my way to nashville, and then an injury kept me from running my marathon. however, because i didn’t get to run the marathon, i was able to go on the church women’s retreat at garner creek - a retreat that began a new chapter of healing and relational openness (yes, i actually used to be LESS open ;)

and here i am today ... celebrating new river’s 10th anniversary, finally ready to surrender myself again, training for another marathon, and getting ready for another retreat at garner creek. last time, the race was not run, the training not completed. this time, just getting TO the training process has not been without pain, and i am under no illusions that the next 3 1/2 months will be easy. but i stand now believing that i will be able to say, both literally and figuratively, that “i have fought the good fight, i have finished the race, i have kept the faith” (2 tim 4:7). and while i will likely want to run another once the pain of 26.2 miles has faded, i also believe that this will be the last time i have to ‘dig this well’, that the water i find at the bottom will be flowing, and that i will finally be able to rest in the rehoboth (gen. 26:19&22) that God has prepared for me.

yesterday’s rerun of ‘gilmore girls’ put it perfectly ... “you don’t have room to complain about this relationship if you’re not willing to let your guard down at least once and be ‘normal’.” i’m done complaining. this girl’s guard is coming down.