healing in the holding on ...

the past few weeks have certainly not lacked swings. God has continued to majorly challenge me in the areas of vulnerability and overcoming my past. and i've even seen some of the swings produce some pretty sweet revelations. but i unfortunately got sick right in the middle, putting a hold on my brain's ability to process all that God was doing in my life. i'm finally starting to sort through, and what i got was not a blog but a poem of sorts. it's been nearly 3 years since i've written one of these ... and i can't tell you how incredibly nervous i am to share it. i will likely be accused of ambiguity, but it is raw and unfiltered ... and perhaps you can relate.

I looked into her eyes
And found myself reflected there
The similarity so striking
I couldn’t turn away
Then too fast it was too late
And now I can’t help but
Hesitate

I’ve a hard time remembering that
My own worst fears
Are not confirmed
By a history not my own
Her past is not my present
Destiny not dictated by recounted
Memory

I am not the her that was then
You are not where you began
Very different hearts entwined
Life and lessons learned
But no less on the line
Struggling to stay in the now
To leave my heart open and out of the
How

If I believe that God
Put you in my life
Then although I don’t want to need you
I don’t think I have a choice
Teetering on vulnerability
Hurting is the safety of my promised
Healing

Letting you in
Means letting myself love you
I fight to let go
But find that means holding on
And that holding on
Means letting go of all that I know
For truly loving you
Means letting you love
Me