day 5 ... being the body ...

today i am thankful for rain that held off until right after our walk, finding the courage to speak up, a fun night at youth, considering new possibilities on multiple fronts, and seeing that good things come to those who wait ... and ask the right questions ;) 

in doing my Bible study earlier tonight, i came across this scripture ...

"... But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it." (1 Corinthians 12:24-26 NIV)

oh, that the world would operate by these standards.  and oh, what a challenge to this believer to operate by this standard in the world, even when others do not.

day 4 ... on fake fruit & finding home

today, i was oh, so thankful to get up early and then get to go back to sleep for a couple of hours.  for the freedom to vote, and for the voice of Truth being heard.  for getting projects done, and finding grace for it not being as much as i would have liked.

i also finally got to try pueblo real.  it is the sister restaurant to tito's, the mexican restaurant where i eat once a week ... at least ;)  the decor looks pretty much the same, and the food both looked and tasted the same.  the staff seemed friendly enough.  but it just wasn't the same.  it wasn't home.

it reminded me of fake fruit.  it looks like an apple and feels like an apple, but it lacks the fullness of truly experiencing an apple - the taste, the texture, the crunch, the juice.  you can try biting into fake fruit, but you will be left greatly disappointed.  

there is just no substitute for the shared experience of friends and family - sometimes sweet and sometimes sour, noisy and messy, but always welcoming and comfortingly familiar.  so thank you, tito's.  

thanks for being real.  thanks for being home.

day 3 ...

as i lay in bed bringing this day to an end, the early morning hour and time spent wandering halls seem like an eternity ago.  are they really one in the same?

indeed they are, and as such i am grateful for sunrise walks to greet the day, starting the morning off slowly, chocolate in my mailbox just when i needed a pick-me-up, finding cute baby clothes on sale, tomato basil soup & pimento grilled cheese, quiet productive evenings, and getting to put on my planning brain.

tomorrow is election day.  i'm certainly not one for the over-involvement of government.  the thing is, abortion isn't going away anytime soon, but we can (and should) make it safer, and hold it to the same standards as any hospital ... or ear piercing kiosk for that matter.  they're spending an awful lot of money to spin their lies.  let the TRUTH speak for itself.

be informed.  go vote.

day 2 ...

too busy enjoying all the things i'm thankful for to write an actual post, but suffice it to say that this was a pretty amazing day, full of making memories & sharing music with my incredible friends & family ... truly blessed beyond measure!

take the time to look back ...

I tend to operate with an attitude of gratitude, especially when it comes to Facebook posts, so I don't need a month to make me aware of what I'm thankful for.  But thanks to the accountability of a friend, I will take advantage of this new month to be more intentional about getting some thoughts down in a more structured way.  

So, today I am thankful for sleeping in, a the opening of a new McDonald's by my house, curling up on the couch with a mocha from a friend & reading for hours, finally crossing a few bigger and lots of little items off my to-do list - including filling my house with the colors & smells of fall, inspiring music & beautiful skies that make a run fly by, a taste of home, and catching up on shows and a movie that challenge me to embrace sadness.

On a grander scale, I am thankful for being shown that not being recognized is actually a gift, and for being reminded of just how far I've come.  The women's Bible study at my church is studying 'Captivating' which I read for the first time after moving to Nashville probably 7 years ago.  I'll go into more detail as the month progresses, but I love how this book is highlighting all that God has been doing in my life, especially recently.  

It's hard to see sometimes when you're up close and personal.  Take the time to look back.  It is invaluable.

heading back to haiti ...

I just got off the phone with my best friend from high school.  We rarely talk, but it takes me right back when we do.  Sometimes things just don’t go the way that you expected.  It’s been one of those years for me.  But what I’ve been learning as a result is how it’s the true things that will remain, and give you hope … and that is what brings me back to Haiti each year.

Then I got in the car and heard the new song Hope Can Change Everything, which perfectly captures what we get to do. 

A breath can give you life A hand can turn the page A word can give you strength To face another day Hope...yeah hope
I could be the spark You could be the word We could tell them something That maybe they've never heard Hope, yeah we could give it together

Reaches in the heart Of your darkest night Lifts you off the ground When you've lost the fight Keeps you hanging on Through the disbelief Every day, every step, every dream Hope can change everything Hope can change everything

Through a hand, a word, through ongoing relationships and the promise of consistency when all else seems unsure, we get to bring them hope.  

It’s hard to believe I’ve had the privilege of making these trips for 6 years now.  This year’s team is made up of 5 teens, 1 mom, 2 women, a family with an 8 year old who has been on more trips than I have, our pastor, and myself – I am so excited to be sharing this experience with the newbies and the veterans alike.  I know that God has brought us all together for a purpose and is going to do incredible things both through and in us during our time.  We leave in just under 3 weeks, and will be there June 17^th – 24^th.

As that time draws near, I would first ask for your thoughts and prayers in making final plans and preparations, for all travel to go smoothly, for our health and safety while we are there, for unity among our team and with the staff on the ground, and for the maximum effectiveness of our time as we build, serve, and interact with the Haitians. 

And if you would like to be a part of bringing hope to people in the community of Jacmel, our team is still raising support.  If everyone on my friends list gave just $6, it would cover the cost of 3 whole trips.  Would you consider joining us?  You can mail checks to me at the address below.  Donations made to Restore Haiti are tax deductible, and just put June trip in the memo line.  Or you can give online HERE.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read, and for your encouragement & support.  We couldn’t do this without you.  I pray you find the hope of that which remains in your own life, as well.

Christine Blundred
4007 Pavati Trace
Spring Hill, TN 37174

my life as an african violet - part 1

not since my days of having to water the plants as a chore have i been very good at keeping plants alive.  at some point in the past year, i received an african violet as a gift.  i was fairly certain i had killed it at one point, but it miraculously came back to life and has been flourishing, so much so that it has quite outgrown the small plastic container it came in.

 
i began to think about finding a nice new pot ... until someone told me that they are very sensitive to transplantation and often don't survive the process.  upon initial research, the task of transplantation became increasingly daunting.  needless to say, it's been a couple of months and my african violet still sits on the kitchen table in its original container.  as i sat there contemplating it while enjoying my coffee this morning, i was thinking that it didn't look too happy and how i really need to take care of it before it's too late.  and then i was struck by the similarities between my life and that african violet.

for starters, we need regular watering ("but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” - john 4:14) and ample [Son]light (“I am the light of the world. whoever follows Me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” - john 8:12).  without these things, our soul quickly withers.  with them, we can experience life abundantly ("I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." - john 10:10).  we must also be careful not to have too much water or light.  that is to say, if there is not proper drainage so that living water can flow through us to others then we become bogged down and moldy, and if we keep all the light for ourselves then we become scorched ("drained of power, dismayed and put to shame. they are like plants in the field, like tender green shoots, like grass sprouting on the roof, scorched before it grows up." - isaiah 37:27)

however, with proper moisture and light, we WILL grow up.  and with growth comes change.  we can not stay in the same pot forever.  but how often, as we begin to consider a necessary change, are we quickly overwhelmed at the prospect?  what if it requires too much of me?  i've already got such a good thing going right here.  but do you really?  if you stay where you are, your roots will become strangled and prone to fungus.  and so i began to research again ...

there was such depth in what i learned that i will save it for another post so as not to overwhelm, and simply leave you with the challenge from my kitchen table ...

with this new year has come such a sense of transition and call to change.  will i heed the call, no matter how daunting it may seem, or will i remain unchanged and risk the cost of stagnation and strangulation?

i believe i see a run to home depot in my near future :)

innocent & set apart ...

nothing terribly profound to write this morning, but i just love sharing how God's Word is living and active!

last night, before going to bed, i wrote this status -

thankful that God is my defender ...

as one who often worries too much about what other people think, it is a sentiment i have returned to repeatedly in the past year.

then, this morning, my daily reading included psalm 4:1-5

answer me when i call to you, O God who declares me innocent. 
free me from my troubles.  have mercy on me and hear my prayer.

how long will you people ruin my reputation?
how long will you make groundless accusations?
how long will you continue your lies?

you can be sure of this:
The Lord set apart the godly for Himself.
The Lord will answer when i call to Him.

don't sin by letting anger control you.
think about it overnight and remain silent.
offer sacrifices in the right spirit, and trust the Lord.

what a powerful and timely reminder that we are set apart and declared innocent by God.  but we also must share responsibility by maintaining a right spirit and trusting in Him when we face opposition.  they are lessons i am struggling to learn - i may need to paint these scriptures on the wall so i see them every day :)  my prayer is for God's grace and strength as He grows them in me this year ... and the same for you, as well.

the bread of singleness ...

when i got in the car sunday night, a lady was saying that if we trust God to provide everything we need, then we have to trust that what we don't have (specifically a husband) is not something we need right now.  it struck me that God is saying there is something we need more at this time ~ the benefits of singleness, the preparation, his preparation ~ whatever the case may be.  while this is something that i fundamentally know, it was put in a way i had not considered before.  it was a powerful reminder and encouragement when my singleness can be such a struggle. 

God withholds no good thing from His children.  this is not me asking for bread and Him giving me a stone (matthew 7: 10 & 11).  no, He is a good Father who gives only good gifts to His children.  i have to trust that this is, in fact, the best bread i have ever tasted, and enjoy every bite until such time as He sees fit to give me a new recipe.

the israelites had to eat manna for a VERY long time, but let us not forget that it was still bread from HEAVEN!  if we fall into the trap of complaining about what we have and wanting more, then we run the risk of God giving us what we THINK we need ... and the risk of being struck down by the very thing we craved.

“Tell the people: ‘Consecrate yourselves in preparation for tomorrow, when you will eat meat. The Lord heard you when you wailed, “If only we had meat to eat! We were better off in Egypt!” Now the Lord will give you meat, and you will eat it.  You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, ten or twenty days,  but for a whole month—until it comes out of your nostrils and you loathe it—because you have rejected the Lord, who is among you, and have wailed before him, saying, “Why did we ever leave Egypt?”’”

Now a wind went out from the Lord and drove quail in from the sea.  It scattered them up to two cubits deep all around the camp, as far as a day's walk in any direction.  All that day and night and all the next day the people went out and gathered quail.  No one gathered less than ten homers.  Then they spread them out all around the camp.  But while meat was still between their teeth, and before it could be consumed, the anger of the Lord burned against the people, and He struck them with a severe plague.  Therefore the place was named Kibroth Hattaavah, because there they buried the people who had craved other food.  (numbers 11: 18 - 20, 31 - 34).

in the words of chris daughtry ...
Be careful what you wish for
'Cause you just might get it all
And then some you don't want

i am so thankful that God knows His children intimately - what they are struggling with, how to speak to them in a way that they will hear, and exactly what they need even when they don't understand.  may we not be found craving anything other than what He gives.

taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him.  (psalm 34:8)

splinters ...

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A post I've been building on for a while now, and it actually goes with my last one quite well ~

I don’t often get splinters, but in the past couple of months, I’ve had three, and they got me thinking …

I had one pesky little splinter in my middle finger for several weeks.  It started out when I noticed that the tip of the finger was a little sore, but couldn’t tell why.  Then, as I pressed down on it, I realized that a miniscule splinter had somehow embedded itself deep beneath the skin.  I mentioned trying to dig it out to a friend, but that never happened.  It didn’t hurt that bad, and it wasn’t irritated so I just let it be.  As the weeks went on, the splinter gradually worked its way to the surface.  It got to where I could see it without having to press down, and then I could feel it when running another finger across the surface, and then a tiny blister formed as the splinter worked to push its way out from beneath that last layer of skin.  Finally, it popped all the way through and was gone without me even realizing.

Next, I got one on the palm of my right hand, just below my pointer finger.  It was actually just an inch below one I got a long time ago that I never removed and has been incorporated into my skin, and it seems the new one is destined to go the way of the first.  It started out at the surface, but did not bother me at all.  I would not have even known it was there had it not been visible.  I picked at it a little and it could have easily been removed with some help, but was in a difficult spot to get by myself.  Honestly, I forget about it unless I happen to see it.  Now it is being absorbed into my skin like the first, fading, dissipating, but still very much there.  It would take a lot of work to get it out at this point.  Even more so for the first.  Would it even be worth it?

Then I got one on the middle knuckle of my middle finger on my right hand.  Again, it didn’t hurt or even bother me, but it was much more prominent.  I picked at it much more than the previous ones, and without much time or effort, it popped right out.  The little hole it left in my skin will heal quickly, leaving only the memory.

Of course, we can’t forget the other kind.  The big honkin’ ones that digs themselves deep within your skin and refuse to be ignored for any significant amount of time.  If left alone, they get red and irritated.  Your body knows that it has been infiltrated by a foreign object and fights with all its defenses to get it out.  These must be removed.  It is often a painful process, and the area remains quite sore for a time afterward, but it is necessary for the health of your body.

I love the way God gives us pictures of how He desires to work in our lives, but I think I’ll leave it at that for today and give you some time to ponder as I’ve had time to ponder for myself. 

hammering with the Holy Spirit ...

so, i'm kind of starting to write again.  i've had an interesting week, full of interesting conversations, and the juices can't help but flow.

it's about time.

a friend posted this video on facebook this morning, and it went right along with one of my conversations from yesterday.  i added my comments to his post, but thought they were worth sharing, adding to, and offering up for conversation here.

http://vimeo.com/66753575

i'm not gonna lie.  it made me laugh.  i would argue, however, that a more appropriate ending would have been her taking the nail out later, and then coming back and thanking him for listening.   oftentimes, we know the nails are there. we're not looking for someone else to take them out for us, or to tell us that we need to. we just need to talk about them a bit (okay, fine, analyze them to death; i'll give you that ;) before we get to the point of taking them out ourselves.

his response to that was, "Or. Another alternate ending. One of her friends saying exactly what he said and her saying 'You're exactly right.'"

again, this made me chuckle.   except i respond that way to my friends, too ... well, not too, since i'm not married. maybe it will change once i am. but i think, as a general rule, people don't want to be fixed ~ they just want someone to walk beside them as they figure out how to fix themselves. 

in john 14:26, Jesus says, "but the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you."

there's such a fine line between speaking truth into someone's life and trying to be their Holy Spirit.  just like i would want them to trust my relationship with the Holy Spirit to point out the nails in my life, i have to trust that for them, as well.  offer input where asked, based on God's truth and what you believe He would have you say to them.  be willing to have, and listen to, frank conversations when necessary.  but, for the most part ...

how can you say to your brother, ‘let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?  (matthew 7:4) 

so, i'll be over here working on my nail, and you can be over there working on yours.  i'll tell you about how i struggle with mine, and you tell me about how you struggle with yours, and we can encourage one another in our nail removal along the way.

thanks for listening :)

a year of trust & more hope for haiti ...

 

It’s crazy to think about all that has happened in the past year.  At this time a year ago, I was beginning preparations to work on a cruise ship for 6 months.  In June, I was fortunate enough to make my third trip to Haiti.  I fall more and more in love with that country, and find it harder to come back here, every time I go.  Then, at the end of July I saw God make dreams come true in miraculous ways, followed by news that shook my faith to the core.  I was forced to cling to His goodness and faithfulness like never before.  I was forced to focus on what is truly important.  And I was forced to change my plans, returning to my job as a Special Education Assistant at the Elementary School instead of working on the cruise ship.  
 

From a financial standpoint, I didn’t think I would be able to stay there, but God has made a way time and again.  I have absolutely loved this school year, and I have also had the opportunity to coach a running/mentoring group for 3^rd – 5^th grade girls, teach an art club for 4^th & 5^th graders, and help lead youth group at church.  Then, in February, instead of coming back from sea, I was buying my own home!  The process was long and trying, but like the Israelites wandering in the desert, it made the promised land that much sweeter.  God provided in huge ways at every turn, and it has been such a blessing to have a place of my own where I can host and bless others.  This year has certainly been one of great challenges and obstacles, as well as triumphs and joys … and I wouldn’t trade a moment as my trust in God has grown both in width and depth.  

Now that another school year is coming to an end, I look toward the summer with great anticipation.  I don’t know all that God has in store, but I do know that I have the opportunity to return to Haiti for the 4^th time with a team of close friends and youth.  The date of our trip is June 22 – 29, and we will be working on building projects, helping with the feeding program, and reaching out to local youth.  I also can’t wait to love on the little girl that I sponsor again, and see how much she has grown!

The cost of my trip, including shots and passport renewal, is $2000 ($700 of which I need by May 1^st) and I am trusting God to provide yet again.  First of all, would you please keep our team, as well as the people in Haiti whom we will be serving, in your thoughts and prayers as we prepare to go?  Secondly, would you consider partnering with us by making a financial contribution?  Donations made out to Restore Haiti (http://restorehaiti.com/) are tax deductible, and checks can be sent to the address below or I have Paypal.  Please let me know if you have any questions.  I would also love to hear how are you doing and if there is any way that I can be praying for you.  As I said, it has been a year of learning to focus on the important things, and that includes you!

With sincere love & gratitude

hope ... revisited ...

i was looking back at my post from september 11th last year, and was struck by how much it applied to my life right now ... so here it is again, slightly shortened & revised.

this morning started in much the same way as it did 11 years ago ... clear blue skies, crisp morning air with the promise of fall.  but suddenly it all seemed so wrong.  however, allowing our lives to come to a screeching halt is exactly what the terrorists (and satan) would have wanted.  they thought that attacking our ideals, and some of our precious lives with them, would bring our nation to its knees.

it did.  just not in the way they had hoped.  they didn’t account for our hope.

i think about job. God allowed satan to take almost everything that was precious to job - his children, his servants, his possessions, and even his health. but the one thing satan could not take was job’s faith. despite all that happened, job refused to curse God.

when an enemy comes against us, they will try and strike us in every way that they think will get to us.  they think that if they attack who we are, then they can take away Whose we are.

but they cannot.  unless we let them. 

i have to admit that i have let them.  i am sad to say that i have even cursed God.  i forgot that i am not who others think or say that i am.  i forgot that i must choose to rise above.
the hope that rose in the midst of such devastation, more than anything, is what sticks with me about that horrible day.  and it is what compels me to do the same.

"let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.” (hebrews 10:23)

lest we forget ...

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I can’t believe that tonight marks 4 weeks since everything changed.  Most of you know what’s been going on with my mom.  In the face of a disheartening diagnosis, it is far too easy to forget all the ways that God has already moved in the situation … to forget who God is.  We have a long road ahead of us, but here is a testimony of all that God did that weekend, and continues to do, so that we may not lose heart or hope as we walk out our faith each day.

I was scheduled to have a heart cath done on Friday afternoon, and my mom decided to drive into town for the procedure.  I told her that was fine, but warned her that a number of my friends would be in town so I would probably be busy with that Friday morning & Saturday during the day.  That being said, she still may have stayed in town through Sunday had it not been for the next miracle.  

All of my friends were coming in town for a weekend-long Amy Grant event.  I could not afford to attend the event myself, but was just excited to have all my friends together in my town for several days.  Then, on Thursday, a last-minute anonymous scholarship was offered to me, making it possible for me to attend.  This was a miracle for me personally because of the healing it represented.  It was also a miracle for my mom because it solidified her decision to leave town early Saturday afternoon since I would now be busy Friday night and from Saturday afternoon through Sunday.

On the day of my procedure, I couldn’t eat or drink anything after 7am.  I prayed that I wouldn’t be overly hungry and that my blood sugar wouldn’t bottom out.  This is a small request in the big scheme of things, but even with the procedure starting later than planned, I felt great all day.  Right before we left for the procedure, they called to say that their equipment wasn’t functioning properly and that they needed to reschedule for Monday.  This complicated my plans for Friday and Monday, and complicated things for my mom who wanted to get back and take care of things at home, not to mention leaving her in Nashville when everything went down. 

The next miracle came when the hospital called back to say that the guy working on the equipment would be done within the hour, and that they could do the procedure after all.  So we headed to the hospital, along with two dear friends, one of whom used to work at that very hospital.  As she met those who would be working on me, she discovered that she could not have handpicked a better team.  They were all nurses she had worked with in the past and of whom she thought very highly, and the doctor was highly recommended by all she asked.

Going into the procedure, I asked for as little medication as possible so I would be up to attending that evening’s concert.  The doctor told me I could try doing it with nothing at all so I decided to give it a go.  My body’s natural pain response totally took over and I experienced only slight discomfort.  The procedure went very smoothly and quickly, and everything came back normal.  It’s frustrating to still have no answers, but I continue to trust God, His timing & ultimately His healing.

I was released a short time later, and after resting for a little while and some dinner, had a great evening of music with friends.  The next day, my mom and I had a quiet morning at the house, spent a couple hours at the pool, and then she headed back to Cincinnati.  She made it back around 9pm.  My brother Rob was there but left soon after.  It was just a short time later that she was incapacitated by a blinding headache.  My dad was out of town, but for whatever reason, she didn’t call him right when she got in, so then when he couldn’t get a hold of her for their ritual nightly call, he knew that something was wrong.  

My dad called my brother and told him to go back to the house.  “I just left there and she was fine,” was his reply.  “I don’t care.  Something’s wrong.”  Then he called the neighbors and asked them to go check on my mom.  There just happened to be some cops right across the street attending to a parked car that had been hit, so they alerted them to the situation and together they banged on the door.  The dog was going crazy, but there was no answer.  When the neighbors used the spare key to open the door, they could see my mom lying on the ground, but the dog wouldn’t let them get in.  The cops called the paramedics, and they got to the house about the same time as Rob.  He corralled the dog so they could attend to my mom, and then he followed the ambulance to the hospital.  

They did a CAT scan right away and discovered a large brain bleed for which they knew surgery would be necessary.  A few hours later they did an MRI, and what they saw led them to do surgery immediately.  My other brother, Phil, who was in Athens, Ohio had called his girlfriend, who was in Kansas City.  She called her parents, who live on the East Side of Cincinnati.  Her dad, an ENT surgeon called his friend, Dr. Shibobbian, a well-known neurosurgeon who had already worked on Rob and my dad, and asked him to do my mom’s surgery.  Her mom, whom my parents had never even met, stayed the night with Rob at the hospital.  This was all after 10pm on a Saturday.

All of that to say, it is a miracle that she is still alive.  And it is a miracle that it did not do more damage.

My mom came out of surgery around 6:30am on Sunday morning, less than 9 hours after everything started.  My dad got to the hospital around 1pm, and she was already awake, talking and even joking. We are praising God for the huge improvements she has been making daily since then.  On Sunday, she couldn’t lift her left arm or leg.  On Monday, she had regained much of her strength, but had very little dexterity or sensation.  Tuesday, her dexterity had improved – she was even able to pluck and put on makeup :)  She was eating, sitting up in a chair, and doing some walking with assistance.  Friday, they moved her down to the rehab floor where she stayed for 10 days.  She came home this past Tuesday, July 10^th and started her chemo pills and radiation treatments Monday, July 16^th.  

Through it all, she has remained very sharp mentally.  Everyone was shocked at how good she looked and was doing.  She is getting stronger every day, adjusting well to life at home, and made it through her first week of treatments and rehab with flying colors.  This past Wednesday, she even went back to work for a few hours.
  

Doctors are of course keeping a close eye on things, but we are just taking things one day at a time, and in the midst of difficult circumstances, may we continually remember and testify of His goodness, and never cease to believe in His ability to perform miracles.

let love win ...

i’ve heard a lot of people say that last year was one of their hardest and that they were looking toward 2012 with great expectation for new and exciting things. when i stop and think about it, 2011 was actually probably one of the best years i’ve ever had. yet, as it came to a close, i was left with a very bad taste in my mouth and very little anticipation for the new year. this was very unlike me and i hated feeling this way. i knew that a lot of it had to do with me not dealing with and being obedient to what i was hearing God say. and i knew that i could only hold things at bay for so long. but i kept plowing ahead and sweeping my growing discontent under the rug.

then today i went for a run. alone. that was the last thing i wanted to do. but i also got the sense that it was what i needed. so i laced up my shoes and headed out the door. “something’s gotta give,” i thought. i didn’t want to need a big emotional moment to turn things around. i just wanted the humility to start taking steps back in the right direction. “God, i need to hear from You. bring me to the end of myself,” i prayed.

as i reflected on the little hurts and disappointments that i had allowed to take root and grow over the past several months, the song ‘brand new day’ by fireflight came on my ipod:
I'm holding on
To things I shouldn't
It's time to let them go
I've been on a losing streak
Hit so hard I couldn't speak
But when I hear Your voice it fades away

He was already starting.

i ran past a house with a little yappy dog that has chased after me on more than one occasion. today i made it past the driveway without him noticing, but then he bolted from the porch and barked at me emphatically from the other side of the fence until i had passed. i pushed on up the hill, thinking i was home free. then the next thing i knew he was right behind me, at my ankles. i whirled around and screamed “GO HOME!” at the top of my lungs. he backed down and i took several steps in his direction, scaring him off further. it was then i noticed that the horses in the pasture next to where this was all taking place had not been startled by the commotion but were actually walking towards us ... toward the dog. they were intervening. i continued backing up the hill while the dog stayed put, clearly intimidated by the horses. after a few more barks, he turned and headed home.

tears filled my eyes as the full weight of what had happened began to sink in. the image is etched in my mind. like those horses, God is waiting to intervene. but i have to do my part. i can't sneak past my little demons anymore, and i can't just endure their annoyance from afar. they had caught up to me and i needed to turn and face them with all my might, or they were sure to take a chunk out of me.

as i continued on, the next lines in the song were:
And I can hear You say
It's a brand new day
The pain goes away
I'm headed for the door ...
Your love, it burns
Away my darkness
You guide me when I'm blind
You are the light
That shines inside me
Showing me
I'm So much more

my spirits lifted. each song that came on was exactly what i needed to hear, but it all comes down to this from ‘the hunger’ -
Do you want to spend your whole life jaded?
Stuck in a rut that you created
Why don't you break the cycle?
Let love win


will i let love win? that’s the choice i have to make in the new year. it’s not going to be easy, and it’s probably not going to be pretty. but like this line from dierks bentley’s new song ‘home’ that i heard for the first time today -

Free, nothing feels like free
Though it sometimes means we don't get along
Cause same, no we're not the same
But that’s what makes us strong