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i’ve heard a lot of people say that last year was one of their hardest and that they were looking toward 2012 with great expectation for new and exciting things. when i stop and think about it, 2011 was actually probably one of the best years i’ve ever had. yet, as it came to a close, i was left with a very bad taste in my mouth and very little anticipation for the new year. this was very unlike me and i hated feeling this way. i knew that a lot of it had to do with me not dealing with and being obedient to what i was hearing God say. and i knew that i could only hold things at bay for so long. but i kept plowing ahead and sweeping my growing discontent under the rug.
then today i went for a run. alone. that was the last thing i wanted to do. but i also got the sense that it was what i needed. so i laced up my shoes and headed out the door. “something’s gotta give,” i thought. i didn’t want to need a big emotional moment to turn things around. i just wanted the humility to start taking steps back in the right direction. “God, i need to hear from You. bring me to the end of myself,” i prayed.
as i reflected on the little hurts and disappointments that i had allowed to take root and grow over the past several months, the song ‘brand new day’ by fireflight came on my ipod:
I'm holding on
To things I shouldn't
It's time to let them go
I've been on a losing streak
Hit so hard I couldn't speak
But when I hear Your voice it fades away
He was already starting.
i ran past a house with a little yappy dog that has chased after me on more than one occasion. today i made it past the driveway without him noticing, but then he bolted from the porch and barked at me emphatically from the other side of the fence until i had passed. i pushed on up the hill, thinking i was home free. then the next thing i knew he was right behind me, at my ankles. i whirled around and screamed “GO HOME!” at the top of my lungs. he backed down and i took several steps in his direction, scaring him off further. it was then i noticed that the horses in the pasture next to where this was all taking place had not been startled by the commotion but were actually walking towards us ... toward the dog. they were intervening. i continued backing up the hill while the dog stayed put, clearly intimidated by the horses. after a few more barks, he turned and headed home.
tears filled my eyes as the full weight of what had happened began to sink in. the image is etched in my mind. like those horses, God is waiting to intervene. but i have to do my part. i can't sneak past my little demons anymore, and i can't just endure their annoyance from afar. they had caught up to me and i needed to turn and face them with all my might, or they were sure to take a chunk out of me.
as i continued on, the next lines in the song were:
And I can hear You say
It's a brand new day
The pain goes away
I'm headed for the door ...
Your love, it burns
Away my darkness
You guide me when I'm blind
You are the light
That shines inside me
Showing me
I'm So much more
my spirits lifted. each song that came on was exactly what i needed to hear, but it all comes down to this from ‘the hunger’ -
Do you want to spend your whole life jaded?
Stuck in a rut that you created
Why don't you break the cycle?
Let love win
will i let love win? that’s the choice i have to make in the new year. it’s not going to be easy, and it’s probably not going to be pretty. but like this line from dierks bentley’s new song ‘home’ that i heard for the first time today -
Free, nothing feels like free
Though it sometimes means we don't get along
Cause same, no we're not the same
But that’s what makes us strong
