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well, as my reading yesterday reminded me ...
“has the Lord redeemed you? then speak out!” (psalm 107:2)
about a month ago, i attended a retreat that wrapped up talking about the Father heart of God. it’s something that has hit home in the past, but that i have never fully explored, and was a message on which i wish they had spent more time. however, it is the thing that God has continued to bring up the most in my life since then, so apparently He really wants me to get how much He loves me.
a few weeks later, i heard a full message on the topic, and God really spoke two things to me that night, which i can’t help but “speak out.”
first, on the list of ways that God wants us to “just be His kid” was EAT (being plugged in to sound spiritual teaching) or ‘failure to thrive‘ will result. also on the list was CUDDLE (resting in the arms of our Father). what struck me is that ‘failure to thrive’ is not only related to lack of proper nutrition but also - if not more so - to lack of affection, as with children in orphanages who have every basic need met but are rarely, if ever, held. you can be eating all the proper spiritual food, but still fail to thrive if you are not experiencing connection/resting in your Father’s love for you (because those two things are inextricably linked). seeing as our relationship with God tends to be a reflection of our earthly relationships, and specifically the relationship we had with our earthly father, then lack of (or inability to internalize, as is the case with me) resting in our father’s arms reasonably translates into an inability to rest in our heavenly Father’s arms/failure to thrive in our relationship with Him, and therefore an inability to rest/failure to thrive in every other relationship.
next, they showed a video of the dad who carries his grown son, who is disabled, in ironman races. if you don’t know what i’m talking about, and even if you do, you should probably watch this:
i’ve seen this before, but it hit me with fresh power that night. they set it up by explaining how the son was unable to communicate until they developed a computer device that allows him to write. one of the first things the dad - a runner - asked his son was “what is your greatest desire?” the son replied, “to run with you.” after watching the video, God reminded me that He, like the father, has made a way for us to communicate with Him, and then asks what our greatest desires are. it’s so easy to forget that He wants to hear from us, and then, we hesitate to tell Him what we really want because we are afraid of being told ‘no’ or because all we can see is the seeming impossibility of the situation. but that did not stop the son - because he was fully confident of his father’s love for him - and neither should it stop us. we’re right; it IS impossible. but that’s why He’s God. we’re actually supposed to not be perfect because that’s what allows Him to pick us up in our utter brokenness and disability so He can help us fulfill the greatest desires of our heart without any real effort on our part.
and that is truly what i feel like God is teaching me right now. to be brutally honest, because of personality combined with experience, i just don’t feel like i know how to function ‘normally’ in a lot of ways. it’s hard not to get mad at God but instead remember that He has made me who i am, and given me the experiences that He has for a reason, and while i might be ‘broken’ that is actually right where He wants me, because that is where He can carry me ... if i let Him.
well, that’s a little bit all over the place and doesn’t exactly have a cohesive take-home message. often, i allow that to keep me from writing, as well ... no more! i’m truly learning that “it doesn’t all fit neatly into a box that [i] wish was sitting on [my] shelf." ;) that doesn’t let God be God, and it doesn’t let others see Him in my life. i have been redeemed, and it’s time to speak out!
