hope ... revisited ...

i was looking back at my post from september 11th last year, and was struck by how much it applied to my life right now ... so here it is again, slightly shortened & revised.

this morning started in much the same way as it did 11 years ago ... clear blue skies, crisp morning air with the promise of fall.  but suddenly it all seemed so wrong.  however, allowing our lives to come to a screeching halt is exactly what the terrorists (and satan) would have wanted.  they thought that attacking our ideals, and some of our precious lives with them, would bring our nation to its knees.

it did.  just not in the way they had hoped.  they didn’t account for our hope.

i think about job. God allowed satan to take almost everything that was precious to job - his children, his servants, his possessions, and even his health. but the one thing satan could not take was job’s faith. despite all that happened, job refused to curse God.

when an enemy comes against us, they will try and strike us in every way that they think will get to us.  they think that if they attack who we are, then they can take away Whose we are.

but they cannot.  unless we let them. 

i have to admit that i have let them.  i am sad to say that i have even cursed God.  i forgot that i am not who others think or say that i am.  i forgot that i must choose to rise above.
the hope that rose in the midst of such devastation, more than anything, is what sticks with me about that horrible day.  and it is what compels me to do the same.

"let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.” (hebrews 10:23)

lest we forget ...

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I can’t believe that tonight marks 4 weeks since everything changed.  Most of you know what’s been going on with my mom.  In the face of a disheartening diagnosis, it is far too easy to forget all the ways that God has already moved in the situation … to forget who God is.  We have a long road ahead of us, but here is a testimony of all that God did that weekend, and continues to do, so that we may not lose heart or hope as we walk out our faith each day.

I was scheduled to have a heart cath done on Friday afternoon, and my mom decided to drive into town for the procedure.  I told her that was fine, but warned her that a number of my friends would be in town so I would probably be busy with that Friday morning & Saturday during the day.  That being said, she still may have stayed in town through Sunday had it not been for the next miracle.  

All of my friends were coming in town for a weekend-long Amy Grant event.  I could not afford to attend the event myself, but was just excited to have all my friends together in my town for several days.  Then, on Thursday, a last-minute anonymous scholarship was offered to me, making it possible for me to attend.  This was a miracle for me personally because of the healing it represented.  It was also a miracle for my mom because it solidified her decision to leave town early Saturday afternoon since I would now be busy Friday night and from Saturday afternoon through Sunday.

On the day of my procedure, I couldn’t eat or drink anything after 7am.  I prayed that I wouldn’t be overly hungry and that my blood sugar wouldn’t bottom out.  This is a small request in the big scheme of things, but even with the procedure starting later than planned, I felt great all day.  Right before we left for the procedure, they called to say that their equipment wasn’t functioning properly and that they needed to reschedule for Monday.  This complicated my plans for Friday and Monday, and complicated things for my mom who wanted to get back and take care of things at home, not to mention leaving her in Nashville when everything went down. 

The next miracle came when the hospital called back to say that the guy working on the equipment would be done within the hour, and that they could do the procedure after all.  So we headed to the hospital, along with two dear friends, one of whom used to work at that very hospital.  As she met those who would be working on me, she discovered that she could not have handpicked a better team.  They were all nurses she had worked with in the past and of whom she thought very highly, and the doctor was highly recommended by all she asked.

Going into the procedure, I asked for as little medication as possible so I would be up to attending that evening’s concert.  The doctor told me I could try doing it with nothing at all so I decided to give it a go.  My body’s natural pain response totally took over and I experienced only slight discomfort.  The procedure went very smoothly and quickly, and everything came back normal.  It’s frustrating to still have no answers, but I continue to trust God, His timing & ultimately His healing.

I was released a short time later, and after resting for a little while and some dinner, had a great evening of music with friends.  The next day, my mom and I had a quiet morning at the house, spent a couple hours at the pool, and then she headed back to Cincinnati.  She made it back around 9pm.  My brother Rob was there but left soon after.  It was just a short time later that she was incapacitated by a blinding headache.  My dad was out of town, but for whatever reason, she didn’t call him right when she got in, so then when he couldn’t get a hold of her for their ritual nightly call, he knew that something was wrong.  

My dad called my brother and told him to go back to the house.  “I just left there and she was fine,” was his reply.  “I don’t care.  Something’s wrong.”  Then he called the neighbors and asked them to go check on my mom.  There just happened to be some cops right across the street attending to a parked car that had been hit, so they alerted them to the situation and together they banged on the door.  The dog was going crazy, but there was no answer.  When the neighbors used the spare key to open the door, they could see my mom lying on the ground, but the dog wouldn’t let them get in.  The cops called the paramedics, and they got to the house about the same time as Rob.  He corralled the dog so they could attend to my mom, and then he followed the ambulance to the hospital.  

They did a CAT scan right away and discovered a large brain bleed for which they knew surgery would be necessary.  A few hours later they did an MRI, and what they saw led them to do surgery immediately.  My other brother, Phil, who was in Athens, Ohio had called his girlfriend, who was in Kansas City.  She called her parents, who live on the East Side of Cincinnati.  Her dad, an ENT surgeon called his friend, Dr. Shibobbian, a well-known neurosurgeon who had already worked on Rob and my dad, and asked him to do my mom’s surgery.  Her mom, whom my parents had never even met, stayed the night with Rob at the hospital.  This was all after 10pm on a Saturday.

All of that to say, it is a miracle that she is still alive.  And it is a miracle that it did not do more damage.

My mom came out of surgery around 6:30am on Sunday morning, less than 9 hours after everything started.  My dad got to the hospital around 1pm, and she was already awake, talking and even joking. We are praising God for the huge improvements she has been making daily since then.  On Sunday, she couldn’t lift her left arm or leg.  On Monday, she had regained much of her strength, but had very little dexterity or sensation.  Tuesday, her dexterity had improved – she was even able to pluck and put on makeup :)  She was eating, sitting up in a chair, and doing some walking with assistance.  Friday, they moved her down to the rehab floor where she stayed for 10 days.  She came home this past Tuesday, July 10^th and started her chemo pills and radiation treatments Monday, July 16^th.  

Through it all, she has remained very sharp mentally.  Everyone was shocked at how good she looked and was doing.  She is getting stronger every day, adjusting well to life at home, and made it through her first week of treatments and rehab with flying colors.  This past Wednesday, she even went back to work for a few hours.
  

Doctors are of course keeping a close eye on things, but we are just taking things one day at a time, and in the midst of difficult circumstances, may we continually remember and testify of His goodness, and never cease to believe in His ability to perform miracles.

let love win ...

i’ve heard a lot of people say that last year was one of their hardest and that they were looking toward 2012 with great expectation for new and exciting things. when i stop and think about it, 2011 was actually probably one of the best years i’ve ever had. yet, as it came to a close, i was left with a very bad taste in my mouth and very little anticipation for the new year. this was very unlike me and i hated feeling this way. i knew that a lot of it had to do with me not dealing with and being obedient to what i was hearing God say. and i knew that i could only hold things at bay for so long. but i kept plowing ahead and sweeping my growing discontent under the rug.

then today i went for a run. alone. that was the last thing i wanted to do. but i also got the sense that it was what i needed. so i laced up my shoes and headed out the door. “something’s gotta give,” i thought. i didn’t want to need a big emotional moment to turn things around. i just wanted the humility to start taking steps back in the right direction. “God, i need to hear from You. bring me to the end of myself,” i prayed.

as i reflected on the little hurts and disappointments that i had allowed to take root and grow over the past several months, the song ‘brand new day’ by fireflight came on my ipod:
I'm holding on
To things I shouldn't
It's time to let them go
I've been on a losing streak
Hit so hard I couldn't speak
But when I hear Your voice it fades away

He was already starting.

i ran past a house with a little yappy dog that has chased after me on more than one occasion. today i made it past the driveway without him noticing, but then he bolted from the porch and barked at me emphatically from the other side of the fence until i had passed. i pushed on up the hill, thinking i was home free. then the next thing i knew he was right behind me, at my ankles. i whirled around and screamed “GO HOME!” at the top of my lungs. he backed down and i took several steps in his direction, scaring him off further. it was then i noticed that the horses in the pasture next to where this was all taking place had not been startled by the commotion but were actually walking towards us ... toward the dog. they were intervening. i continued backing up the hill while the dog stayed put, clearly intimidated by the horses. after a few more barks, he turned and headed home.

tears filled my eyes as the full weight of what had happened began to sink in. the image is etched in my mind. like those horses, God is waiting to intervene. but i have to do my part. i can't sneak past my little demons anymore, and i can't just endure their annoyance from afar. they had caught up to me and i needed to turn and face them with all my might, or they were sure to take a chunk out of me.

as i continued on, the next lines in the song were:
And I can hear You say
It's a brand new day
The pain goes away
I'm headed for the door ...
Your love, it burns
Away my darkness
You guide me when I'm blind
You are the light
That shines inside me
Showing me
I'm So much more

my spirits lifted. each song that came on was exactly what i needed to hear, but it all comes down to this from ‘the hunger’ -
Do you want to spend your whole life jaded?
Stuck in a rut that you created
Why don't you break the cycle?
Let love win


will i let love win? that’s the choice i have to make in the new year. it’s not going to be easy, and it’s probably not going to be pretty. but like this line from dierks bentley’s new song ‘home’ that i heard for the first time today -

Free, nothing feels like free
Though it sometimes means we don't get along
Cause same, no we're not the same
But that’s what makes us strong

justice micah perry - a 28 day impact on eternity

yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore He will rise up to show you compassion. for the LORD is a God of JUSTICE. blessed are all who wait for Him! (isaiah 30:18)

tonight, we celebrated the life of little justice micah perry. it was the most incredible memorial service i have ever attended. for all those people who talk about wanting their funeral to be a party, justice’s service made that dream a reality. sure, there were many tears shed, but there was also much laughter and worship and rejoicing. his time on earth may have lasted only 28 days, but already justice’s impact is eternal and far-reaching.

it would be easy to shake our fist at God in times like these, not understanding how He could let this happen. why did He not answer all of our fervent prayers? why did He not honor our confident belief that justice would be healed? why did He not prove Himself and bring glory to His name by performing a miracle?
“for my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (isaiah 55:8-9)

perhaps God can prove Himself more through the people drawn to Him through justice’s short life, and who continue to proclaim His name in spite of justice’s death. perhaps God’s glory is more about relationships than miracles.

in matthew 11, we read about john the baptist - while in prison - wanting to confirm that Jesus was, indeed, the One they had been expecting. john had dedicated his life to preaching about the coming Messiah, and if anyone could have gotten him out of prison, it was Jesus. but He didn’t. john’s purpose had been fulfilled.

and so was justice’s. as justice’s dad realized, in the midst of life’s difficulties, “are you okay with not being rescued if your purpose is being fulfilled?”

“justice wasn’t for just us.”

3300 people joined the group on facebook. fox news ran a story on the little family that was rocking the picu. an athiest decided to follow Jesus. a 10-year old committed to live a life of radical faith. a marriage on the rocks was redeemed. all because of a baby, and his parents, who refused to give up.

justice means righteous gift of God. and that he was ... and is. it is up to those whose lives were touched to make sure that his suffering was not in vain.

his parents troy and sara prayed that the lives of those praying with them would be ‘jacked up’. mission accomplished. as troy challenged the audience tonight, “it’s time for the training wheels to come off. you cannot enter God’s presence and leave unchanged.”

continue to pray for this precious family as they walk out the “what now?” especially pray for their 5-year old son as his little faith has been tested in ways that most adults never have to face.

and, even if you don’t know them, be challenged as i was to live with an unwavering faith that the world cannot help but notice.

taking a break ...

tonight i am writing tomorrow’s post, which will probably be my last one for a while. after proving to myself that i can, indeed, write every day, i am taking a sabbatical to focus on finishing my friend’s book project. i pray that God will bless our efforts and use his incredible story in powerful ways.

it is so absolutely humbling to see how God has moved and spoken since i made the commitment to write two months ago, and i cannot wait to see how He will continue to unfold my own story as i learn to follow Him with greater abandon. thank you to everyone who has been a part of the journey thus far, commenting and encouraging and living life with me. i am confident that this is just the beginning ... so much remains to be written!

the other side of the story ...

it’s so mind-boggling to me how God can be two seemingly opposite things at the same time. grace and truth. love and justice. fully man and fully woman. not desiring for His children to suffer, and yet willing to allow struggles that will make us stronger and bring us closer to Him. He is all these things, and so much more, all at once, without compromising any of His divine essence.

now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture ... now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. all that i know now is partial and incomplete, but then i will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. (1 corinthians 13:9&12)

when writing yesterday’s blog, i knew there was another side to the story. and then, ironically, that’s what steve preached about today.

i am the true grapevine, and my Father is the vinedresser. every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit. (john 15:1-2)

while it’s true that parents desire to give good things to their children, and will not make things overly difficult just because they don’t want their lives to be too easy, they are also rarely content to let their children get stuck in complacency. i wrote about this several weeks ago, but a parent who allows their child to just skate through life does little to prepare them for the real world. children who are sheltered from difficulty are like vines that are never tended - they may grow, but will not thrive, nor reach its fullest potential.

it makes sense to cut away the parts of a plant that are not producing fruit, but it seems counterintuitive to cut back the parts that are. however, a good gardener knows that this is what causes a plant to flourish, and God knows that this is what will make His children stronger and more beautiful. He seeks to remove the things from our lives that are not bringing Him glory, and will even cut away the things that are producing godly fruit for the sake of ultimately multiplying that fruit.

this may seem painful, and we may question how a good God who gives good gifts to His children could cause so much pain, but His definition of good is different from ours. His aims are higher than ours.

1 corinthians 13 finishes by saying that “three things will last forever - faith, hope, and love - and the greatest of these is love.”

above all else, how God moves in our lives will serve to promote and preserve these three priorities - especially love. though i still don’t believe that God ever inflicts arbitrary pain on His children, when we come to know and see Him fully, we will understand how and why the difficulties He allowed us to experience served a greater purpose. what we may perceive as pain is actually for our greater benefit. it is learning to depend on Him more fully and love on others more deeply that makes the 'pain' worth it in the end.

every good and perfect gift ...

this week at work, they changed up all of our schedules ... again. i know how hard it has been for everyone on our team to deal with so many changes. no matter how flexible someone might be, people are creatures of habit, to at least some degree. children with special needs are even more dependent on the consistency of their schedules, and i can’t even begin to imagine how hard it is for them to deal with so much unpredictability.

the argument has been made that it’s not good for them to get too dependent on any one person. that makes sense, until you consider that we don’t do that for adults or students who don’t have disabilities. that would be like saying, ‘we don’t want the kids in the mainstream classrooms to get too dependent on their teachers, so we’re going to give them a new one every quarter.‘ or that would be like saying, ‘we don’t want the employees to get too comfortable in their position, so we’re going to move them to a new department every few months.’ we would never do that. so why do we think it’s a good idea to do that to children whose success depends upon it?

and why do we think that God would do that to us?

when things are going good, we talk about waiting for the other shoe to drop. we assume that God is up there thinking, “she’s been too happy for too long. i’m going to send some challenges her way just to throw her off.” parents ultimately want their children to be happy and successful. and while God’s definition of good might be different from ours, if earthly parents don’t deliberately put their children through trials, then why would God do that to us?

“which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? if you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” (matthew 7:9-11)

but i’ve been so guilty of this mentality.

that’s not to say that life will always be a walk in the park. hard times are a natural result of living in a fallen world, and God will use them to make us stronger and draw us closer to Him. that’s also not to say that He will let us get stuck in complacency, but i don’t believe that He will make our lives difficult just because things are going too good for too long.

“for I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (jeremiah 29:11)

He is a good God, and my hope and future lie in knowing that God does not send difficulties.

every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. (james 1:17)

how christians are like pumpkins ...

I don’t want to try and spiritualize Halloween, but while drawing a jack o’lantern with one of my students at school today, I was reminded of this simple, yet powerful analogy. I also thought it would be an appropriate pre-fall outing post.

How a Christian is like a Pumpkin
(http://www.dltk-bible.com/how_a_christian_is_like_a_pumpki.htm)

God picks you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off you. Pumpkins and people both have an inside and an outside. The outside is what everyone can see. The inside is all the important stuff, like your heart and soul. “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)

When you first carve out a pumpkin, all you can see inside is the yucky stuff. "This is what we look like to others and what we are like when are hearts are not changed.” Like it says in Ecclesiastes 9:3, “the hearts of people, moreover, are full of evil and there is madness in their hearts.”

"God is the only one who can change our heart. But in order for God to change our heart we must become open to Him." “Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.” (Revelation 3:20). Just like when you cut a hole in the top of the pumpkin, God is waiting for us to open the doors of our hearts so He can clean us out.

He wants to scoop “out all the yucky stuff inside of us. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, impurity, and greed." Through His death on the cross, Jesus was willing to become messy for us, so that we might be clean. “I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” (Ezekiel 36:25b-27).

Once God has taken out all the messy stuff, He can carve a beautiful smiling face. “But if we leave a pumpkin with only the insides taken out, then it's just hollow. We need to have a light inside that will truly make us alive! Jesus said, 'I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.' (John 8:12).

"When Jesus lives inside of you, you can glow! He puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see."

learning to live your dreams ...

a third article from yesterday (http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/3-Successes-Only-Failure-Can-Give-You/2#ixzz1bvsENEBs) addressed how to use failure to your advantage. sometimes it’s possible to learn from the mistakes of others. but oftentimes, it’s necessary to learn from your own. instead of thinking of it as a reflection on who you are, take it as an opportunity to evaluate what you did (or didn’t do). focus on changing the things that you can control, not the things that you cannot.

“randy pausch, the professor who gave the ‘last lecture’ while dying of pancreatic cancer, talked about how "brick walls are not there to keep us out; the brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something.” failure is what tells us whether or not we were truly meant to do something.

“if, when things get rough, you remain committed and even entranced by your goal, you should keep going. if what you're doing is costing you too much time and energy or the process isn't what you thought it would be or it's not bringing you joy or you find yourself emailing kitten photos, you need to get out and...get a new goal.”

since my friend kelly seems to be on the same page as God and i right now, i thought i would share a few things that i stole from her facebook page over the last couple of days.

“devote yourself to an idea. go make it happen. struggle on it. overcome your fears. smile. don’t forget: this is your dream.”

“DREAM!!! dream big!!! hold onto your dreams!!! fight for your dreams!!!”

“if your memories are greater than your dreams, then you’re already dying.”

as i wrote yesterday, don’t get so stuck in the past that you can’t live for the future. the best is yet to come. and just because it doesn’t come as quickly as you thought it would doesn’t mean you should stop going after it. the harder you work for something, the more valuable it will be when it finally happens.

overnight successes “do not add much wisdom, i suspect, or gratitude. they're fireworks, the kind the rest of us look up at and admire and, all too often, try to jump up and grab—when, in fact, we need to stay down on the ground, where all the stumbling goes on. that is, until we've gained the confidence and experience to walk straight up the mountain.”

it’s so true that if we reached our dreams as quickly as hoped, we would rarely have the strength and confidence required to stay there. most of the time, what we gain through the process of achieving our dreams is what makes it possible to actually live our dreams. i'm reminded of the song ‘overnight’ by amy grant.

if it all just happened overnight,
you wouldn't know how much it means.
yeah, if it all just happened overnight,
you would never learn to believe
in what you cannot see.

even if i never reach my dreams, if i have learned to believe then i think the pursuit was worth every ounce of effort. besides, isn’t belief what is truly at the heart of every dream?

living without regrets ...

a lot of the time i share what God has been telling me specifically. but sometimes He speaks to me in other ways that are just too good not to pass along.

if i wasn’t already convinced that God has been trying to get my attention lately, i received two emails today that further reinforced the message.

the first, from ‘fearless living’ author rhonda britten, was titled ‘who am i anyway?’ and said -

There's nothing like the unsettling feeling of finding yourself unsure of who you are anymore.

Have you ever woken up one morning not liking your favorite pjs or coffee just doesn't taste good anymore? The things you thought you loved aren't so great. But on the other hand, nothing is really peaking your interest so the questions arises...subtly at first but gets louder and louder: WHO THE HECK AM I?

This can't be me!!!

the second, from oprah’s ‘thought for today’ newsletter, was titled ‘regret proof your life’ (http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Stop-Regretting-Decisions-Martha-Becks-Plan-to-Let-Go) and said -

regret “changes you, leaving you both tougher and more tender. you get to decide, however, whether your toughness will look like unreachable bitterness or unstoppable resilience; your tenderness the raw vulnerability of a never-healing wound, or a kindness so deep it heals every wound it touches. regret can be your worst enemy or your best friend. you get to decide which.” (martha beck)

the author goes on to outline how you can live your life without regret. it means changing the way you look at your past and how you move into your future. learn to accept the reality of your situation, instead of dwelling on the way you wish things would have happened. acknowledge both your anger and your sadness, “grieve what is irrevocably lost,” then “reclaim the essence of your dreams.” you can’t change the way that things have happened, but you can move forward with renewed purpose and vision. make decisions based on love, and you’ll live your life with far fewer regrets.

after reading and writing all that earlier in the evening, the regret that i’ve been fighting against for weeks reared its ugly head yet again. but this time i was able to look at it using some of the tools and perspectives from the article. things are far from resolved, but because i don’t want to be bitter, i know that i must choose to take an honest look at what i’m feeling, no matter how ridiculous it might seem. it’s in the denial of those feelings that i lose who i am, and nothing should have the power to do that. only when i can accept the way that things are, will i be able to change the way that things will be.

a friend posted this quote on facebook tonight -

dear past: thank you for your lessons.
dear future: i’m ready.
dear God: thank you for another chance.

AMEN.

rising above ...

i love watching ‘biggest loser’, less because of the dramatic weight loss and more because of the drastic emotional transformations that take place during their time on the show. the majority of weight issues are truly emotional issues, and i find it so interesting to watch them break through to the root of their problems, learn the tools to deal with them in healthier ways, and find true freedom and healing, with weight loss as the natural result.

there was a moment on the scales tonight that really hit home with a lot of what i’ve been writing about lately. this was a big week, where each of the contestants needed to lose 9 pounds for everyone to gain immunity. while only two of the players actually did their part, there was one woman who actually gained 5 pounds this week. in ‘biggest loser’ world, that is unheard of! she could not understand what had happened, and said that she felt humiliated for having let everyone down.

but the trainers were quick to jump in and remind her that those 5 pounds could not define her. they all knew that was not who she was, and she couldn’t let one off week become her identity. she had to choose whether she would let those feelings of guilt and humiliation and frustration get her down, or if she would rise above.

that was a choice i had to make today. i’ve had a really hard couple of weeks, both emotionally and physically. yesterday at work was particularly challenging, and i was dreading facing another 4 days of the same. but after writing last night’s blog, i knew that the discouragement i felt was not from God, and that i had to choose to rise above and not give satan the upper hand any more. so i entered the day with a much more positive attitude, praising God for even a small shift in my thinking.

then i got a call from my doctor.

my insurance company had denied coverage for a ct scan. after over 3 months of persistent unexplainable pleurisy and fatigue, i was expectant for answers. now we were back to square one. in that moment, hopelessness threatened to overcome. i couldn’t let another setback define me or my attitude. discouragement is not from God, i reminded myself. i had to choose whether i would let those feelings of desperation get me down again, or if i would rise above, trusting that God was still in control.

“i don’t know all the answers, but i know the one Who does,” the saying goes. a bump in the road doesn’t change that fact. i don’t know where my answer lies, but i know that God has known from the beginning, that i am in His perfect care until it comes, and that “[He] will keep in perfect peace all who trust in [Him], all whose thoughts are fixed on [Him]!” (isaiah 26:3)

"discouragement is not from Christ ..."

not a lot of original thoughts tonight, but hopefully these reminders/insights will prove as helpful to you as they did to me.

after reading yesterday’s post, a friend sent me a link to this article, which she had just finished reading -

http://www.lifesitenews.com/news/why-i-never-should-have-had-eight-children

how well i could relate to what the author had felt. how many wonderful things do we never accomplish because of giving an ear to the enemy. and how i needed to to hear this reminder -

“How many times had I told others, “Discouragement is not from Christ, as Christ only encourages. Discouragement is from the devil!” I remembered it then, and my fears and anxieties were banished. Only the devil himself, the one who hates human beings to his rotten core, would taunt me with the notion that my lack of gourmet skills should preclude new life in my marriage. I saw the evil of it then, and I called him out. I still cussed a lot back then, and I am pretty sure I told the devil what he could do with his putrid flood of discouraging thoughts. Yeah, that was a good moment.”

it seems so obvious, and yet satan does such a good job of disguising his lies in truth. just like the author, all of my ‘shortcomings and sins’ are realities. the trick is remembering that God’s Truth always trumps any of the truth of our humanity. as matthew 19:26 says, “with people this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” satan’s right. my limitations keep me from being able to do much of anything. but, “i can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” (philippians 4:13)

that was after i got home. then i finally took a personality quiz that i had heard about 2 1/2 weeks ago. the timing could not have been any more perfect. i’m always a sucker for anything involving psychoanalysis, but this one was particularly intriguing because it tells you which Bible character you are most like. each profile also includes “a nick name, personality description, potential pitfalls, inhibitors, and personal growth recommendations.” my results were incredibly accurate, and gave me a lot to think about.

i found this point especially humorous - you may use phrases like these: let’s talk later

these observations rang painfully true - in quiet moments you fear that you have no identity or any real significance and can be plagued with self-doubt. you are motivated to search and to find your identity in order to express who you are and ultimately find meaning and significance. establishing a true, honest and unique persona is important to you. you are also prone to blame and hold grudges.

but the advice was exactly what i needed to hear - in these times, it is wise to trust God in your hurts and to allow Him to make things right. try to separate Godly conviction from undue anger at self. move toward right thinking and wise living and refuse to get stuck in the past. if you become too attached to longing and disappointment you may be unable to recognize the many treasures in your life. don’t wait to do something until you feel like doing it. make a commitment to ‘just do it.’

and these reminders provided such encouragement - david demonstrated how this kind of personality can live well and leave a lasting, praiseworthy legacy. you may never feel like you are ready to take charge, but feel confident that God is with you and will sustain you from the largest to the smallest step you take.

so which Bible character are you, and what encouragement could it offer for the way you live your life? check it out for yourself here -

http://beta.monvee.com/userregistration.aspx?cc=T1087313

you do have to register for an account, but it’s free. have fun!

i used to be so sure ...

you know how sometimes you find yourself reacting to a situation in a way that has little or nothing to do with the present situation at all. it touches on something deep within you and the pain is suddenly as fresh as the first day you felt it. you know God has healed that part of you, and yet a similar situation leaves you shaken to the core, suddenly unsure of everything you thought you knew. the old lies creep back in, and you start believing that your weaknesses are insurmountable obstacles, instead of a beautiful part of who God made you to be.

i hate when i let myself get to that place.

this morning while getting ready, i was reflecting on what a hard time i have taking an honest look at and being okay with my weaknesses. then God reminded me,

“your perceived weaknesses are actually a part of My perfect design, beautiful opportunities for My glory to shine ...”

then tonight i watched the movie ‘family man’ with nicholas cage and tea leoni. this conversation reminded me that it’s okay to be slightly unsure, but it’s important to not lose sight of the things you know for sure - that you are exactly who God made you to be, and you are exactly where you’re meant to be.

“i feel like i’m living someone else’s life ... i used to be so sure about everything, you know? i knew exactly who i was and what i wanted ... i never used to be like this, kate. i had it all figured out. no doubts, no regrets.”

“and now ...?”

“now ... i don’t.”

“me neither.”

“i think it’s good to be a little unsure about who you are. it’s very human.”

“but you always seem so certain.”

“i think about it, too, jack. i do. i think about the kind of person i’d be if i hadn’t married you ... and i realize i’ve just erased the things in my life i’m most sure about.”

“i’m sure that right now there’s nowhere i’d rather be than here with you.”

in 2 corinthians 12:9-10, pual reminds us that, “‘[God’s] grace is all you need. [His] power works best in weakness.’” so now i am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. that’s why i take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that i suffer for Christ. for when i am weak, then i am strong.”

the theme of strength from weakness was everywhere at church today. the worship leader talked about how, just like the colors of fall, it is our differences that make us beautiful. the speaker shared how God had used him in great ways in spite of his weaknesses, and how he prays for God to change his heart and mind. weaknesses are good as long as you don’t get so caught up in them that you can’t let them become strengths. uncertainty is good as long as you don’t let it rob you of the truth - who you are and what you want.

“don’t screw up the best thing in your life just because you’re a little unsure of who you are.”

don't deny your discontent ...

after a fun 24-hr trip to alabama, i’m back with some more thoughts on the whole marriage/singleness issue.

i would like to start off by saying that i do not actually think that singleness is a sin.

if that were the case, then i know an awful lot of Godly men and women who are living in sin. saying that singleness is actually a sin is like saying that every man has met the woman that he’s supposed to spend the rest of his life with. and where does that leave women, who are not supposed to pursue (which is another issue entirely)? at what age would singleness become a sin, and where does dating fall into all of this?

no, i do not believe that singleness, in and of itself, is a sin.

remember that the original quote suggested that PROTRACTED - prolonged - singleness was the sin. as someone else pointed out, it is a sin to remain single when you know that marriage is something you are being called to but are not actively pursuing (whether with a specific person, or in general through intentionality, prayer and heart preparation) because of fear, pride, control, worry about our own issues, etc. so it’s not singleness that is the sin, but the sins that are causing you to stay single, especially when you give them more weight than they’re due. i’ve definitely been guilty of that, feeling like i needed to get my act together before love could come my way. the truth is, i’m not going to be perfect, and neither is he, and the adventure of marriage is learning to be perfectly imperfect together.

additionally, when i first found that infamous quote from my first post, it was actually the other angle that intrigued me most.

“a generation of singles are stuffing their discontent and starting to believe that it's their discontent, and not their protracted singleness, that is their sin.”

i would say that we’re far from just starting to believe that our discontent is a sin. we’re entrenched in it. and it is probably a lot of what is perpetuating our protracted singleness. i cannot tell you how many times i’ve beaten myself up for wanting something different than my present state ... and i know that i’m not alone. God created us with the desire for finding someone to share our lives with. but satan has done a really good job of convincing us that it is wrong to pursue that desire, and the church has done much to reinforce that message. sure, we need to learn to trust God and be content wherever and in whatever state He has placed us. but that doesn’t mean we should be satisfied with anything less than what God has promised, in any area of our lives.

in genesis 2:18, God says “it is not good for the man to be alone. i will make a helper who is just right for him.”

don’t deny your discontent. embrace it. be honest about it. and don’t let sin keep you from your ‘just right’.

a good life ...

Well, for the first time in 2 1/2 months, I am unable to post. But I look forward to jumping back in tomorrow with more thoughts on marriage and singleness, and hopefully some fun Alabama anecdotes ...

Sometimes there just aren't enough hours in the week for all the life I get to live!