running in the dark ...

running in the dark is not ideal, but there are times that it is inevitable. there are, however, certain precautions one should take to make running in the dark as safe as possible.

don’t run alone. “two are better than one ... if either of them falls down, one can help the other up. but pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.” (ecc 4:9-10)

if a companion is not an option, make sure that someone knows you’re out there so they can come looking for you if you don’t make it back in a reasonable amount of time.
“very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed. simon and his companions went to look for him, and when they found him, they exclaimed: “everyone is looking for you!” (mark 1:35-37)

-> make sure that those you choose to come along or keep watch are up for the task.
“then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called gethsemane, and he said to them, ‘sit here while i go over there and pray.’ he took peter and the two sons of zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled ... then he said to them ... ‘stay here and keep watch with me.’ going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed ... then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. ‘couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?’ he asked peter. ‘watch and pray so that you will not fall.’ (matt 26:36-41)

set out with a goal in mind. know where you’re going, for how long, and don’t stop until you get there.
“i will keep on driving out demons and healing people today and tomorrow, and on the third day i will reach my goal.” (luke 13:32)
“but i press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me ... forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, i press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me.” (phil 3:12-14)

run with a light. to have no source of illumination for your path would be foolish. here too, the light from two runners is far brighter than just one.
“but at night there is danger of stumbling because they have no light.” (john 11:10)
“your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.” (psalm 119:105)

wear flashers and/or reflective gear. even - especially - in the dark, it is important for others to be able to see what you are, particularly when approaching from behind.
“so we who have had the veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord.” (2 corinthians 3:18)
“by this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (john 13:35)

--> oncoming cars don’t shed any light on your path, but only light up what is behind you, making it even more difficult to see where you are going. cars coming from behind allow you to see a great deal more of the path before you.
“your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘this is the way; walk in it.’” (isaiah 30:21)

keep your focus on only the steps just before you, where your light casts its beam. do not look to the right or left, or off into into the distance.
“be strong and very courageous. be careful to obey all the law ... do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go.” (joshua 1:7)

if you don’t heed these guidelines and take a stumble, you’ll have to deal with varying degrees of scrapes and bruises. i have learned this the hard way, many times in real life, monday night on the road. they are painful reminders of what happens when you let darkness get the best of you. but pain, like darkness, in unavoidable ... even necessary. the key is how you handle it. will you learn from the pain? when the darkness returns, will you face it - embrace it - with strength and courage? if the heart is not laid bare in darkness, it will be swallowed up by it.

“yet if you devote your heart to him and stretch out your hands to him, if you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent, then, free of fault, you will lift up your face; you will stand firm and without fear. you will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by. life will be brighter than noonday, and darkness will become like morning. you will be secure, because there is hope.” (job 11:13-18)

busyness isn't betterness ...

I am currently doing Kay Arthur's Covenant Bible study. On day 3 of week 6, she talks about how the Israelites were supposed to construct a tabernacle according to the exact pattern and design that God showed them. They then were to build the Ark of the Covenant, and the mercy seat to go on top, which is where God would come to meet with and speak to them. As I read that, it occurred to me that if they did not follow His instructions exactly, then they would not have had a place in which God was willing to meet with them.

She also mentions how God would lead His people from a pillar of cloud by day, and a pillar of fire by night. They could not move on from a place unless the pillar went first. To travel apart from the cloud or fire was to travel apart from the will, and the presence, of God.

Day 4 goes on to talk about the Davidic Covenant, focusing on 2 Samuel 7: 1-18. After years of war, the Lord finally gives David rest from the attacks of his enemies. David immediately comes up with a plan to fill his new-found free time by building a permanent house for the Ark of the Covenant. The prophet Nathan gives David his seal of approval, but then God says, “Hold up. I never asked anyone to do that.”

Why do we feel the need to come up with things to do for God? No matter how noble, we don’t need to fill our time doing things God never told us to do. Because he had a time of rest, David wanted to do something for God, but that was not David’s job. “I took you from the pasture, from following the sheep, to be ruler over My people Israel.” That is all that God required of David.

In fact, it was God who wanted to build a house for David (v. 11). When David realized this, he “went in and sat before the Lord.”

God was focused on all the things that He was going to do for David in the future, and simply wanted David to be in His presence. It’s okay for us to revel in the rest that God gives us … to simply enjoy His presence instead of always striving for bigger and better things.

As evidenced by Nathan’s response and the subsequent reproof, just because something is good doesn’t make it right. We need to know who we are and what we are called to, and stick to that. More than anything, God’s wants us to be in His presence now. But that requires careful attention to the instructions that He gives us, patience to not move ahead of His direction, and contentment to rest where He has placed us.

GOD OF THE WHOLE FREAKIN' UNIVERSE!!!

Reflecting on John 15: 12-17 as I wrapped up my Bible study this afternoon really drove home a few points about which I had just been thinking. We are called – no, commanded – to love one another, just as Christ loved us. He loved us enough to lay down his life for us – his friends. That’s a pretty great love. But Jesus – GOD OF THE WHOLE FREAKIN’ UNIVERSE – called us His friends. I have a hard enough time understanding how/why my own friends – other humans – love me. Truly. Most of the time I believe that I managed to weasel my way into their lives in such a way that now they’re stuck with me. This isn’t about self-deprecation, though they know how good I am at that. It’s just that I’m not used to really being let into someone else’s life. Granted, I recognize that this is largely my own fault. The point is, however, because I’m not used to it, it pretty much blows my mind when I get to experience it. But that’s nothing compared to the mind-blowing power of friendship with Jesus.

Jesus calls us his friends. Wow. We’re in the club. The inner circle. Maybe you were one of the cool kids in school. I was not. I hated being left out. I hated not being in on the secrets. Okay, that’s probably everyone. But the GOD OF THE WHOLE FREAKIN’ UNIVERSE (this is me reminding myself) has let me in on HIS secrets. You don’t get much cooler than that! And not only does he let us in on what’s going on, but he also wants our help. Needs it, even. Feeling needed might possibly be the most empowering thing in the world. It’s empowering when someone else invites you into their life. It tells you that they feel you have something to offer. It motivates you to step up because they’re counting on you. How much truer is this in our relationship with God?

He’s called us to partner with him in the battle. He chose us. He appointed us. He KNOWS we have something to offer and he’s counting on us to come through [bear fruit]. That sounds like a lot of pressure. But really, all we have to do is remain in him. And remain confident of our position because of him. If David had not been confident of Jonathan’s love for and commitment to him, he would not have been able to go about his normal routine, peacefully playing the harp, while sharing a palace with the man who wanted to kill him. He would have lived in fear. He would have missed out on relationship, he would not have walked out his destiny, and he would not have been able to ask for protection. We can’t act like servants, downtrodden and without rights. Jesus is calling us to a covenant friendship. He has given us his robe, and as long as we keep it on – walking confidently in its power – we can ask for anything in his name. If we don’t walk in that, we’re going to miss out – on the privileges, on the partnership, on being used in someone else’s life. It’s enough to rob ourselves. How much sadder to rob others? There’s so much more on the line than we can ever know. Will we believe? Like, for real?

break me, make me believe ...

God’s Word is truly living and active (Hebrews 4:12). I love how the same scriptures can speak to us in completely different ways at different times. As someone who frequently struggled with depression during my teenage years, I found solace in the words of Job. It's so interesting reading it from a new perspective now ...

As the book begins, God Himself describes Job as “the finest man in all the earth. He is blameless—a man of complete integrity. He fears God and stays away from evil.” How’d you like a recommendation like that for your resume?! It seems that Job has everything he could ever want or need. But God knew that there was something missing. After Job endures and repeatedly refutes the so-called advice of his co-called friends, God finally speaks and Job is humbled: “I was talking about things I knew nothing about, things far too wonderful for me … I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes.”

What more could we ask for than that? We can have all that the world values—family, friends, homes, possessions—but if we have not seen God, and been truly humbled by His power, then we have nothing. Satan argues that because God has “always put a wall of protection around [Job] and his home and his property” and “made him prosper in everything he does,” that “Job has good reason to fear God.”

As I’m writing this, I realize that these lyrics from Fireflight’s “All I Need to Be” are playing in the background:
Take me beyond what I can see
Break me, make me believe
That you have made me all I need to be
Knowing all that I can do is be open
When You start to move in my heart
And now, my God, I finally hear Your voice

That’s it exactly. God thought so highly of Job that He was willing to take away everything—to break him so that he would TRULY believe, TRULY see, TRULY hear—so He could take him to the next level. At the beginning of the book, Job’s children spend all their time celebrating with one another, and Job spends all his time interceding on their behalf. By the end of the book, Job is no longer inwardly focused on all that God has given him. He must pray on behalf of his friends—the ones that spoke so judgmentally against him—so that they will not receive the judgment that they deserve from God. It is then, and only then, that “the Lord restored his fortunes.” It is only when Job opens up his home to his brothers, sisters, and former friends that he can be consoled and comforted, and only then that “the Lord blessed Job in the second half of his life even more than in the beginning.”

Taking this one step further, Isaiah 58 tells us that the kind of fast [self-denial] that God desires is to loose the chains of injustice, untie the cords and break every yoke, set the oppressed free, feed the hungry, provide shelter, clothe the naked, and not turn away your own flesh and blood. It is then, and only then, that “Your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.” Oftentimes we feel like we need to get our act together before we are able to serve. But this tells us that it is only through serving that God will bring about the deliverance we have so desperately been seeking. It is only when we act as His ambassadors to others (whatever that might look like for you) that He can be everything that we need Him to be for us.

So, if you feel that your wall of protection has been removed, instead of getting mad and cursing God, start by asking why (it IS okay to ask God that)—not because you deserve it or are being punished, as Job’s friends suggested, but because God desires to be your everything and to take you to deeper levels of intimacy with Him … and all you can do is be open, when He starts to move in your heart.

Oh, and you know how I started out by saying that God’s Word is living and active? Well, I have seen the power of that statement yet again … as God revealed deeper truths about the highlighted passages, this entry became so much more than my original thoughts. How often have I not written because I wasn’t exactly sure what I was going to write? Don’t let uncertainty hold you back from your calling. Just start walking in the right direction and God will fill in the gaps!

to dream and hope again ...

************************

So much anticipation

On the brink of something great

But so afraid to write the words

To dream and hope again

God, I have to believe

That this is from you

To press into the unknown

And act like it’s the truth

There are songs to be sung

Stories to be told

Lives to be changed

Hearts to unfold

You’ve given me gifts

They’re mine for the taking

Time to step out

No more wasting life waiting

********************************

i can't believe it's been almost three months since i last posted. it's even harder to believe all that's happened since i drew that line in the sand at the beginning of march. God has answered prayers i've spent almost my whole life praying, and radically changed my life in ways i could never imagine. it's time to start describing the stones on my altar. dreams are being stirred. new vision is being awakened. and i am scared to death ... in a good way. i can't wait to see what the next chapter holds ... and i can't wait to be the one to write it!

Haiti: day 1 ...

I didn’t think it was possible, but the airport was even more chaotic than before. There was a Haitian band playing in the entryway like last time, which I didn’t expect and came as a welcome surprise. It took quite a while to get all 30+ of our bags, but thank God none were lost, and with just a little bit of hassle we made it out of the airport. Bags were loaded into one van and 15 of us + carry-ons were crammed into another for the 3hr trip over the mountain. Once on our way, things were actually not as bad as I thought they would be. Of course, much work has been done in the past 2 ½ months, so I know it’s not as bad as it once was. That’s also not to say that there is not much that remains to be done, but when a situation is already awful, making it worse is not as noticeable. There were tents everywhere, as people have either lost their homes or are still afraid to sleep in them. The capital building was a dilapidated shell of its former glory. The crumbled buildings were random … one still standing but poorly built next to one that looked sturdy but completely collapsed, and there was more as we made our way out of the city and closer to the epicenter. All I could say was “wow” … and I said it a lot. But the thing that had the most impact was the increase in people begging and hawking their goods … somehow continuing with their lives, but the desperation evident in their eyes. About halfway up the mountain, just before darkness fell, we passed what was clearly the fault line where the earth had literally split in two. A short time later, we were pulling up in front of the ‘Loving Light’ hotel … home, sweet home! Truly, I can’t believe it’s been nearly two years since I was last here … seems just like yesterday. We got settled in our rooms, enjoyed a dinner of yummy Haitian chicken & beef stew on the roof, briefed for the week, prepped for church, caught up on Facebook, took the best cold showers ever, and crashed into bed. Big day and week ahead of us … so many more stories to share!

See Day 1 pics here: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=215549&id=583499324&l=54a6624c86

Haiti: pre-refelctions ...

And we're off ...

It wasn’t until yesterday that I actually started getting excited about the trip. I wasn’t dreading it, but it just didn’t seem real, and I was honestly a bit unsettled by all the unknown factors … our team coming from all over, what we will be doing, the devastation. Part of me wishes that I could conjure up my feelings from the first time I went, but mostly I am glad for a blank slate, so I can take it all in anew. I’m sure things will come rushing back when we touch down, greeted by familiar sights, sounds and smells … and the suffocating heat and humidity. I unfortunately do not have a window seat, so will not be able to see the tent cities that now stand in lieu of homes. As we approach, it’s funny that from afar, things still look so ‘normal’. Of course, it was bad before … I can hardly imagine it being worse.

I keep reflecting on how much has changed since my last trip, and how I see even what is the same in a different light. I am frequently overwhelmed by the ways God has lavished His love on me in the last week, filled with an “almost intolerable sweetness … the bittersweet, indefinable but wholly delightful ecstasy of a new happiness.” (Yes, ladies, I started reading :) I know that God is going to move in big ways this week, and am excited to see how He brings the members of our team together as a powerful force for Him.

Prayer points:
* One of the team members was unable to make our connection in Miami, so will be flying in a day late, and Ben Holeton will be going to meet her and bring her back. Pray for their safe arrival in Port-au-Prince and travels to Jacmel.
* I got sick with a sinus infection right before we left. Pray for quick healing instead of getting worse (I am particularly concerned about ear infection with flights) and that no one else gets sic

Make sure you check out my Facebook page for pictures: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=215549&id=583499324&l=54a6624c86 ... they say so much more than I could ever write.

bowed down with eyes wide open ...

If you know me – and particularly if you’ve eaten Chinese with me – then you probably know that I like the story of Balaam. My philosophy is that if God can speak through a donkey, then why can’t He speak through a fortune cookie? All I know is that I’ve gotten far too many both timely and specific fortunes for them to be mere coincidence.

That aside, I didn’t remember much else about the story of Balaam than that of his talking donkey. As I read it anew yesterday, I found SO much treasure in those two and a half chapters. You can check it out for yourself in Numbers 22:21 – 24:25. The back-story is that King Balak of Moab is afraid of the Israelites who are passing through his territory. He doesn’t have the courage to fight his own battle so asks Balaam, a man of God, to come and put a curse on them.

There’s one lesson – The Israelites weren’t even trying to engage the Moabites in battle, but the king was so threatened that he felt the need to lash out. He did not, however, have the courage to fight his own battle. One side of that is, don't fight battles that don't exist. The other is, when people are threatened, they will lash out, but because they don’t know how to fight fair, they will instead use personal attacks to cut you down.

Anyway, Balaam inquires of God, who tells him no (big surprise), but the king persists. Finally God agrees to let Balaam go with the king’s men, but only if he does exactly what God tells him to. Along the way, God finds the need to remind Balaam of his limitations and sends an angel to deliver the message, which only the donkey can see at first. The donkey is understandably freaked out and tries to run away, so Balaam beats him multiple times, until the donkey is finally able to speak out.

•First of all, I love that when Balaam’s donkey starts talking to him, he just starts talking back, like it’s the most normal thing in the world. What if we responded to God’s miracles like they were normal? (22:28-29)

•God will only make us withstand abuse for so long before he gives us the ability to speak up for ourselves (22:28).

•When Balaam’s donkey asks, “What have I done to you that deserves your beating me three times?” Balaam’s response is “You have made me look like a fool.” It wasn’t that what the donkey had done was wrong. It was simply that Balaam’s pride had been wounded. How often do we lash out at someone for hurting our pride, even if what they did was not wrong?

•Next, the donkey says, “But I am the same donkey you have ridden all your life … Have I ever done anything like this before?” “No,” Balaam admits. How often do we do this, as well? So the next time someone we know and love behaves in a way that is uncharacteristic, instead of getting angry and lashing out, perhaps we should consider that there is something else going on and pray for God to open our eyes to the spiritual reality of the situation, as God did for Balaam (22:31).

•The angel of the Lord says to Balaam, “Look, I have come to block your way because you are stubbornly resisting me.” Then Balaam confessed, “I have sinned. I didn’t realize you were standing in the road to block my way. I will return home if you are against my going.” When we continually come up against resistance, we need to consider that maybe God is blocking our path and be willing to go back if that’s what He’s asking of us. Of course, there are plenty of times when obstacles are meant to make us stronger, which is what makes the next point so important.

•Balaam was only allowed to say what God told him to say, and could only speak the message that God put in his mouth (22:35 & 38). We will only know whether we are on the right path if we are constantly inquiring of God and listening to what He is telling us … which we can only do by getting alone and undistracted with God so He can meet us there (23:3-4).

•Looking out over the people that Balak wanted him to curse, Balaam saw “a people who live by themselves, set apart from other nations.” The Israelites were God’s chosen people, with great promises in store for them. Being chosen, however, does not equal an easy life. We, too, are chosen (1 Peter 2:9), but that also means we will often feel isolated as we walk out God’s high calling on our lives.

•Every time that Balaam inquired of God, he received words of blessings for the Israelites instead of the curses that Balak desired. Balak kept trying to use different angles, but Balaam received only blessings. “Listen, I received a command to bless; God has blessed and I cannot reverse it! No misfortune is in His plan for Jacob; no trouble is in store for Israel. For the Lord their God is with them.” As God’s chosen people, the Israelites had been given an irrevocable destiny of blessing. So, no matter how much Balak wanted curses to be spoken over Israel, God could not go against His word. The same is true for us. No matter how much Satan tries to speak curses over our lives – no matter how many different angles he uses – God’s blessing cannot be removed. That’s not to say we can’t choose to walk in curses that others have spoken over us, but the fulfillment of God’s promises for us are as close as choosing to walk in the blessing HE has spoken over us.

•While Balaam was clearly a man who inquired of and heard from God, it was not until Balak’s third attempt to curse the Israelites that Balaam finally fully realized God’s determination to bless Israel, and relied on the Spirit instead of divination (24:1-2). Why, even though we have seen God’s blessing time and time again, do we continue to rely on our own strength?

•This time when Balaam delivered the blessing, it came from a “man whose eyes see clearly, the message of one who hears the words of God, who sees a vision from the Almighty, who bows down with eyes wide open.” I love that picture! God opened Balaam’s eyes back on the road (22:31) and told him only to say what he heard (22:35), but it was not until Balaam bowed in submission to God’s will that he could fully see. We will not be able to hear and see what God has for us until we are fully submitted to His will.

•When Balaam’s eyes were fully opened, he could finally see Israel the way that God could see them … as His beautiful chosen people (24:5-6). May our eyes be opened not only so we can see the greater spiritual realities around us (22:31), but also so we can see the way that God sees.

•Last, but not least, because Balaam was not able to deliver a curse, Balak tells him that God has kept him from his reward (24:11). Walking according to God’s purposes may mean forfeiting some earthly treasures, but may our heart be as Balaam’s: Even a palace filled with silver and gold is not worth more than saying (and doing) only what God has told us to! (24:13).

here ...

a baby blog.

an altar.

a line in the sand.

marking the beginning of a journey

‘into the woods.’

with a rainbow through the clouds

reminding of God’s promises

to make ‘all things new.’

but pissed

to be completely honest.

what about the promise

to replace curses with blessings?

i have to hope.

Your ways are not my own.

if i do not

then Your words are not in me.

i am done not believing.

not knowing.

"ray charles? who's he?"

"nobody if you don't know."

you can only be a somebody

if you know who you are.

“i’ve never really talked in class before.”

“how does that make you feel?”

“here. it makes me feel here.”

i’m ready.

To journey. To remember. To hope. To believe. To know. To be …

HERE.

movin' on up ...

the morning after the earthquake in haiti, a radio dj was talking about how he had visited indonesia after the tsunami. as his group walked down the streets, they saw people sitting what seemed aimlessly in the middle of the devastation. finally, he had his interpreter ask one man what he was doing. “sitting in my living room,” was his reply. when i heard that, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
immediately i felt like God was saying, “that’s what YOU do.” but i think it is a word that many others can relate to as well. we sit in the rubble of our former lives, not because it’s what we want, but because it’s all we know. we find safety and comfort in the familiarity when, in reality, there is nothing to protect and nowhere to rest our weary, battered hearts and souls. it’s like women who stay or keep finding themselves in abusive relationships. of course they don’t want to be abused, but when it’s the only way they’ve ever related, they don’t know how to attain, let alone function within the realm of healthy relationships. they have a hard time believing that anything better - that a beautiful home with doors and windows and a roof for protection, and furniture to provide them with true warmth and comfort - actually exists, or that they deserve it.

the image of that man in his living room is one i carried with me all week. that sunday, our pastor started a night of worship talking about entering God’s house of praise. i was reminded that, as God’s children, He has prepared a house of praise for us where we can commune with Him and experience fullness of relationship, regardless of what might be going on outside the walls. but we must choose to move in. He says we are chosen and dearly loved (colossians 3:12), but until we truly believe that and come to desire the better life we have been promised as co-heirs with Christ (romans 8:12), we will just keep finding ourselves right back in our rubble. we may need the friendly face of someone here on earth to show us the tangible hands and feet and love of God, proving to us that a better way is available, and reminding us to stay there when we are tempted to return to our former ways, but the choice starts with us.

now, everyone’s rubble is going to look different. what may seem insignificant to one is devastating to another. you may have been there your whole life, just a short while, or out and back countless times. but all that matters is that the rubble exists. you must acknowledge it, accept it, and then choose to move out of it. it may be uncomfortable leaving what you know, but really, how comfortable was it? for those bogged down by life’s rubble, i pray you will not only believe that something better exists, but that you deserve to move in - not as a guest, but as a permanent resident, able to make a home for yourself. and i pray that God will bring you someone to help you on the journey - someone willing to wade through the rubble, to hold your hand as you make your way out, to help you turn your new house into a home, and to make sure that all mail is forwarded to your new address :) and for those who are already able to live in the reality of your new home, may you always remain there, and be that hand to someone who needs it!

satan lives to steal, kill and destroy, but Jesus came to give us life to the full (john 10:10). whether your rubble exists because of what satan has stolen outright, or because of what you have allowed him to steal, God has promised to restore the years that the locusts have eaten (joel 2:25). “instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs (isaiah 61:7).”

disappearing act ...

well, it’s a new year and i’m finally venturing back into the world of blogging ... writing at all, to be honest ... and the lack of reflection/processing is becoming readily apparent in my growing sense of disconnection from myself, and subsequently others ... but that is another entry entirely.



today, i wish you all as smooth a transition as possible back into life after what i hope were blessed holidays, and pray you are able to experience God's mercies as truly new & fulfilling as you venture into what God has for you this year.  even through quite a few tears, it was such a joy to spend time reflecting on just that with many of my dearest friends at life group last night.



first, the leader shared from romans 12: 9-21, and challenged us to to live in such a way, not as a seemingly impossible to-do list, but as points on which to focus in replacing bad habits.



i therefore found it very appropriate when this quote came in an email today:
“bad habits fill needs, so find good alternatives for them.” —  martha beck



then, this site was brought to my attention – http://www.1c13.org/ - and i thought it might provide some encouragement in seeking to walk out your resolutions, which really boil down to better loving God, others, and ourselves in the new year.

the sister love passage of 1 corinthians 13 has been brought up many times in my life lately ... and i have to admit that it has been more discouraging than anything, getting caught up in how far i fall short.  it could be said that romans provides tangible applications for 1 corinthians, but is no less overwhelming.  now, i know that it is in drawing closer to the Father that these things are accomplished, but it was 1 cor 13:10 that provided encouragement for me today ...



WHEN PERFECTION COMES, THE IMPERFECT DISAPPEARS



this takes a load off because 1) perfection is obviously not going to be achieved until we reach heaven.  we're not supposed to be perfect here.  God does not expect that of us, and neither should we expect it of ourselves or each other, and 2) we do have the privilege of experiencing "perfect love" (1 john 4:18) here on earth and when we focus on THAT love, the imperfections – in ourselves & others – disappear. it is through perfect love that we can overcome our fear of man – both personal & public opinion, as was so aptly pointed out – and in laying aside that fear, the implicit promise is that we are “made perfect!” finally, in searching for the ‘perfect love’ verse, it also returned 2 corinthians 13:11, which tells us simply to AIM for perfection and, in so doing, the God OF love will be with us. if He is with us, and we are focusing on His love for us and others, then walking in that love – romans 12 & 1 corinthians 13 – is no longer a checklist but a natural result.

i don’t know about you, but i am still waiting on God to figure out what i resolve for this year. i do, however, know that it needs to involve expecting less perfection, laying aside more fear, and learning to rest in the perfect love through which both of those can be accomplished. i pray the same for you!

our dreams ARE impossible ...

it’s been a while since i’ve blogged. that’s not to say i haven’t been writing (although that’s unfortunately become the case since i started this). it just hasn’t been the kind of stuff you post for the whole world (or all two of you) to see. but the other night i realized how that is just another way that i give satan a foothold in my life. if he can keep me in my own head, focused on my own issues, then he has rendered me silent and therefore ineffective for the kingdom.

well, as my reading yesterday reminded me ...
“has the Lord redeemed you? then speak out!” (psalm 107:2)

about a month ago, i attended a retreat that wrapped up talking about the Father heart of God. it’s something that has hit home in the past, but that i have never fully explored, and was a message on which i wish they had spent more time. however, it is the thing that God has continued to bring up the most in my life since then, so apparently He really wants me to get how much He loves me.

a few weeks later, i heard a full message on the topic, and God really spoke two things to me that night, which i can’t help but “speak out.”

first, on the list of ways that God wants us to “just be His kid” was EAT (being plugged in to sound spiritual teaching) or ‘failure to thrive‘ will result. also on the list was CUDDLE (resting in the arms of our Father). what struck me is that ‘failure to thrive’ is not only related to lack of proper nutrition but also - if not more so - to lack of affection, as with children in orphanages who have every basic need met but are rarely, if ever, held. you can be eating all the proper spiritual food, but still fail to thrive if you are not experiencing connection/resting in your Father’s love for you (because those two things are inextricably linked). seeing as our relationship with God tends to be a reflection of our earthly relationships, and specifically the relationship we had with our earthly father, then lack of (or inability to internalize, as is the case with me) resting in our father’s arms reasonably translates into an inability to rest in our heavenly Father’s arms/failure to thrive in our relationship with Him, and therefore an inability to rest/failure to thrive in every other relationship.


next, they showed a video of the dad who carries his grown son, who is disabled, in ironman races. if you don’t know what i’m talking about, and even if you do, you should probably watch this:



i’ve seen this before, but it hit me with fresh power that night. they set it up by explaining how the son was unable to communicate until they developed a computer device that allows him to write. one of the first things the dad - a runner - asked his son was “what is your greatest desire?” the son replied, “to run with you.” after watching the video, God reminded me that He, like the father, has made a way for us to communicate with Him, and then asks what our greatest desires are. it’s so easy to forget that He wants to hear from us, and then, we hesitate to tell Him what we really want because we are afraid of being told ‘no’ or because all we can see is the seeming impossibility of the situation. but that did not stop the son - because he was fully confident of his father’s love for him - and neither should it stop us. we’re right; it IS impossible. but that’s why He’s God. we’re actually supposed to not be perfect because that’s what allows Him to pick us up in our utter brokenness and disability so He can help us fulfill the greatest desires of our heart without any real effort on our part.

and that is truly what i feel like God is teaching me right now. to be brutally honest, because of personality combined with experience, i just don’t feel like i know how to function ‘normally’ in a lot of ways. it’s hard not to get mad at God but instead remember that He has made me who i am, and given me the experiences that He has for a reason, and while i might be ‘broken’ that is actually right where He wants me, because that is where He can carry me ... if i let Him.

well, that’s a little bit all over the place and doesn’t exactly have a cohesive take-home message. often, i allow that to keep me from writing, as well ... no more! i’m truly learning that “it doesn’t all fit neatly into a box that [i] wish was sitting on [my] shelf." ;) that doesn’t let God be God, and it doesn’t let others see Him in my life. i have been redeemed, and it’s time to speak out!

healing in the holding on ...

the past few weeks have certainly not lacked swings. God has continued to majorly challenge me in the areas of vulnerability and overcoming my past. and i've even seen some of the swings produce some pretty sweet revelations. but i unfortunately got sick right in the middle, putting a hold on my brain's ability to process all that God was doing in my life. i'm finally starting to sort through, and what i got was not a blog but a poem of sorts. it's been nearly 3 years since i've written one of these ... and i can't tell you how incredibly nervous i am to share it. i will likely be accused of ambiguity, but it is raw and unfiltered ... and perhaps you can relate.

I looked into her eyes
And found myself reflected there
The similarity so striking
I couldn’t turn away
Then too fast it was too late
And now I can’t help but
Hesitate

I’ve a hard time remembering that
My own worst fears
Are not confirmed
By a history not my own
Her past is not my present
Destiny not dictated by recounted
Memory

I am not the her that was then
You are not where you began
Very different hearts entwined
Life and lessons learned
But no less on the line
Struggling to stay in the now
To leave my heart open and out of the
How

If I believe that God
Put you in my life
Then although I don’t want to need you
I don’t think I have a choice
Teetering on vulnerability
Hurting is the safety of my promised
Healing

Letting you in
Means letting myself love you
I fight to let go
But find that means holding on
And that holding on
Means letting go of all that I know
For truly loving you
Means letting you love
Me

i'm getting married!!!

before i get to that, after yesterday's post regarding my commitment to let down my guard, my reading today included this - paul's plea to the corinthians - "... our hearts are open to you. there is no lack of love on our part, but you have withheld your love from us. i am asking you to respond as if you were my own children. open your hearts to us!" (2 cor. 6:11b -13).

'swing' duly noted (read piñata entry if you don't know what that means).

but the main reason behind two posts in two days came from yesterday's reading:

listen to me, o royal daughter;
take to heart what i say.
forget your people and your family far away.
for your royal Husband delights in your beauty;
honor Him, for He is your Lord!
(psalm 45:10-11)

my royalty is something that has been spoken over me a lot recently, so these verses immediately jumped out at me. if you've been around me much, you've probably heard me say that there is very little of my childhood that i remember. however, after doing a bit of relational history review with God, it occurred to me that pretty much every memory that did come to mind was negative. i guess that explains the laundry list of lies that i've been carrying around for so long.

my prayer is that God will help me to forget my past and the negative influences of the people in it, and truly come to understand my royal identity (see blog title - i'm "God's people", remember!), the delight of my Husband, and the beauty that He sees in me. as long as i am negatively influenced by my past, i am not honoring my Husband or allowing Him to be my Lord, and cannot embrace who He says that i am. in fact, i can't even get married until i believe that i am, indeed, a royal daughter.

i don't know about you, but if i'm being asked to choose between my past and my Husband, i'm getting married!!!

come on, you didn't REALLY believe me, did you? ;)

dig, run, surrender, win

my head is swirling with lack of sleep, recollections and expectancy. over the weekend, i was reading some old journal entries as i unpacked boxes, and found myself increasingly frustrated that i am again dealing with one of the same issues that i was over 10 years ago. like isaac in genesis 26 from sunday’s sermon, i feel like i’ve been ‘digging’ the same ‘wells’ over and over my entire life, only for them to be contested, and then letting them get filled in again by the enemy. then, this morning, i pulled out an old journal to plan my marathon training schedule, and couldn’t help but read the other entries. on one hand, it was again a bit frustrating to feel that i’m not any further along, but today a little bit of encouragement found its way in as i was reminded of just how far i HAVE come. it also reinforced a revelation i had on sunday - the reason i find myself dealing with the same issue time and again is not because i’m backsliding but because the issue was never really dealt with all the other times that it reared its ugly head.

and so, here i find myself again, but not without hope, and struck by the timing of it all. the entries i read over the weekend included notes from my first trip to nashville - the trip that made me believe i was supposed to move here, and this morning’s entries fell right before i made the trip to nashville just over 4 years ago that finally convinced me to move, on the weekend of new river’s grand opening in the movie theater no less. this morning’s entries talked about the last time i really surrendered myself to the process of healing (and also shame, but that’s another post), and right as i began training for my last marathon. unfortunately things didn’t exactly go as planned. unfulfilled promises and a great deal of rejection paved my way to nashville, and then an injury kept me from running my marathon. however, because i didn’t get to run the marathon, i was able to go on the church women’s retreat at garner creek - a retreat that began a new chapter of healing and relational openness (yes, i actually used to be LESS open ;)

and here i am today ... celebrating new river’s 10th anniversary, finally ready to surrender myself again, training for another marathon, and getting ready for another retreat at garner creek. last time, the race was not run, the training not completed. this time, just getting TO the training process has not been without pain, and i am under no illusions that the next 3 1/2 months will be easy. but i stand now believing that i will be able to say, both literally and figuratively, that “i have fought the good fight, i have finished the race, i have kept the faith” (2 tim 4:7). and while i will likely want to run another once the pain of 26.2 miles has faded, i also believe that this will be the last time i have to ‘dig this well’, that the water i find at the bottom will be flowing, and that i will finally be able to rest in the rehoboth (gen. 26:19&22) that God has prepared for me.

yesterday’s rerun of ‘gilmore girls’ put it perfectly ... “you don’t have room to complain about this relationship if you’re not willing to let your guard down at least once and be ‘normal’.” i’m done complaining. this girl’s guard is coming down.