digging wells - part 1 ...

i was looking back at journal entries from this time two years ago and it served as a powerful reminder of how much God has done in my life since then. it’s one thing to feel like you’ve made changes. it’s another thing entirely to have them spelled out before you.

in that entry, i was lamenting about how it felt like i was right back in the bad place i had been so many times before. hadn’t i already dealt with this issue? i realized the answer was no. yes, i had faced the issue. but i had never truly dealt with it. i had never really been honest about it, or processed it completely. just because an issue goes away for a little bit doesn’t mean it has been resolved. it just means that it will rear its ugly head again later on, and usually with greater strength.

i’m reminded of the story of digging wells in genesis 26.

then isaac dug again the wells of water which had been dug in the days of his father abraham, for the philistines had stopped them up after the death of abraham; and he gave them the same names which his father had given them. but when isaac’s servants dug in the valley and found there a well of flowing water, the herdsmen of gerar quarreled with the herdsmen of isaac, saying, “the water is ours!” so he named the well esek, because they contended with him. then they dug another well, and they quarreled over it too, so he named it sitnah. he moved away from there and dug another well, and they did not quarrel over it; so he named it rehoboth, for he said, “at last the LORD has made room for us, and we will be fruitful in the land.”

there is SO much to unpack in that, and i am far too tired to do it tonight, but i hope that this little bit will encourage someone not to give up. you may feel like you’ve fought your battle a thousand times before, but i am believing with you that the 1001th time will bring a greater victory than you’ve ever known. you didn’t get to wherever you are overnight, so you can’t expect yourself to make a drastic change overnight, either. what the journey will entail is uncertain, but never doubt that it will be worth every single step.

not who we're not ...

for those of you who do not know, i am a special education teacher’s assistant at an elementary school in spring hill, tn. i started out as an education major, but then decided to pursue music business, which is what brought me to nashville. seven years later, it’s funny how things have now come full circle. i love living here more every day. and i love getting to work with the kids.

tonight i went to a class on strategies for paraprofessionals working with autism. one of the things they emphasized is people-first language. you don’t say the ‘autistic child’. they are a child who also happens to have autism. how often do we fall into that trap on a daily basis? the person with diabetes is a diabetic. the person with arthritis is an arthritic. the person with a drinking problem is an alcoholic. the person who sins is a sinner. we define people by their limitations. and people perform based on how they are defined by others.

thank God He doesn’t look at us that way! we are who we are, regardless of what we may have or haven’t done. and ephesians 1:3-7 says that we are chosen, adopted, blessed, forgiven, accepted and redeemed. even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into His own family by bringing us to Himself through Jesus Christ. this is what He wanted to do, and it gave Him great pleasure. (vv. 4-5)

what a relief! from the beginning of time, God knew my true nature. and yet He chose me for His own. i’m not awkward christine or controlling christine or selfish christine. i am simply christine, who happens to be awkward and controlling and selfish (among other things) at times. but i am HIS christine, and that is all that matters.

heart sick ...

yesterday i wrote about hope. today i opened my devotional to an entry i’ve been avoiding to find romans 5:3-5 as the focus scripture. then i watched an old episode of dr. quinn medicine woman (how i miss that show!) where sulley and dr. mike each struggle with the conflict of hoping for a child, while fearing the pain of disappointment. have i mentioned that i love when life lines up like that?

proverbs 13:12 says that “hope deferred makes a heart sick.” the traditional interpretation is that having to wait for the fulfillment of a desire makes your heart sick. but i also think it can be said that waiting without hope makes a heart sick. it’s not so much the waiting, but the attitude of the heart while waiting. are you waiting with confident expectation, or with doubt and impatience?

today’s devotion focused on the challenge of continuing to hope when we are forced to wait. in 1 samuel 8, despite the fact that samuel had served faithfully as a judge, and despite the fact that God had promised a king of His choosing, the people demanded that a king be appointed NOW!

a sick heart cannot make wise decisions.

instead of being willing to wait for God’s best, they wanted what everyone else had, even at the cost of their freedom. verse 20 says that they wanted a king so he would fight their battles.

how much have we sacrificed for the sake of an easy way out?

and as if all the things that we lose when we don’t wait aren’t bad enough, verse 7 tells us that not waiting is also rejecting God. we are telling Him that we don’t need Him, that He can’t be trusted, that we don’t believe He is who He says He is. i know how much it hurts when anyone even suggests those things about me. how much more must it hurt God when we say there is no reason to hope?

our reason to hope can be found in the previous chapter, in a prayer from the promised king, who knew what it was to wait ...

Sovereign LORD, you are God! Your covenant is trustworthy, and you have promised these good things to your servant. (1 samuel 7:28)

hope-full disappointment ...

yet this i call to mind and THEREFORE I HAVE HOPE: because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. i say to myself, “the LORD is my portion; therefore i will wait for Him.” (lamentations 3:21)

hope is such a tricky topic. far too complex to even begin covering here. i’m pretty sure i’ve written about this somewhere, at some point. i actually don’t have much to say about it tonight. i’ll let scripture speak for itself. i just needed the reminder.

they count on it but are disappointed. when they arrive, their hopes are dashed. (job 6:20)

how often have we been told, ‘don’t get your hopes up’? how easy is it to fall into the trap of living our lives in such a guarded manner?

and yet, we are told to “put your hope in the Lord—now and always.” (psalm 131:3)

always continue to fear the Lord. you will be rewarded for this; your hope will not be disappointed. (proverbs 23:17b-18)

hope is defined as ‘desiring something with confident expectation of its fulfillment.’ obviously, not everything we hope for is going to happen. how, then, can we not be disappointed? proverbs doesn’t say that WE will not be disappointed. it just says that our HOPE will not be disappointed.

one of job’s friends told him, “then you would trust, because there is hope; and you would look around and rest securely. (job 11:18)

but that’s actually not the way it works. romans 5 tells us that tribulations bring perseverance, which leads to character, and character to hope. (romans 5:3-4) so you don’t trust because of hope. you hope because of trust. the goal is not rest and security, but strength and growth. so even when the thing that you had so hoped for does not happen, and you are tempted to become disappointed, remember that “hope does not disappoint.” (romans 5:5)

romans 4:17b says that “God ... gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were.”

no matter what, you can trust that God is working to accomplish His ultimate purposes in and through you. He is bringing life to the dead parts of you. He is bringing about the parts of you that are not yet. the fact that He is a good God does not change, and because of that our hope can remain secure.

because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of His purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. we have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. (hebrews 6:17-19)

i will yet proclaim!

well, here we are. day 7 in my first full week of blogging. it’s late, but i couldn’t not write. appropriately, tonight was my last meeting for the ‘Believing God’ Bible study, which is what [finally] set me on this journey to begin with. i actually still have quite a few weeks of the study to catch up on since i started in the middle, and i’m eager and excited to see how God will move through the portions that remain ... and beyond.

as i reflect back on how God has grown my belief in Him over these last few weeks, i have to share one small testimony about how that was challenged just today. i am the queen of unexplainable symptoms that are generally not really serious, and usually resolve on their own eventually. it has been extremely frustrating to desperately want answers but not be able to find any. then, back in the winter i heard God say, “will you trust that i am still good even without an answer?”

oh.

since then, i’ve been better able to laugh at less serious situations when they arise (i.e. my tongue turning completely black for a couple days after eating a weird combination of food), and take the more serious ones in stride. the most recent development is a case of pleurisy, which is an inflammation of the lung lining that feels kind of like being stabbed in the chest whenever you move or breathe. thankfully mine has not been constant, but rather more of a periodic - albeit painful - nuisance. knowing there really isn’t anything they can do for it, i had avoided going to the doctor, but when it was still hanging on after three weeks i reluctantly made an appointment.

i got a chest x-ray and ekg. they asked questions and listened with their stethoscopes. and, as suspected, there wasn’t anything they could do other than tell me to take a regular dose of ibuprofen to try and stave off the repeated flare-ups ... and come back to see them if it didn’t get better. sigh.

fortunately, they told me i could keep running in moderation, since that didn’t make it worse. while that was an answer to prayer, when i stopped in the bathroom on my way out i told God that i really needed a clear word of encouragement from Him to know this had been worth it. as i came out of the bathroom, the doctor handed me some literature on pleurisy and said, “at least we didn’t have to remove any fluid from your lungs.”

thanks God.

despite the fact that i have a pesky infection which has hung on for over three weeks and put me in quite a bit of pain, at least it has not caused any potentially harmful fluid build-up. at least the pain is only intermittent and i am able to not only go on with my daily routine, but even to continue running. and as if those things were not enough, God is so interested in building my faith that He almost immediately answered my cry to hear from Him.

i will call to you whenever i’m in trouble, and You will answer me. (psalm 86:7)

i know satan would like to steal that from me, as i was hit with one of my worst episodes tonight during Bible study. still, i am absolutely humbled by God’s faithfulness, and it makes me that much more eager to continue on this journey of proclaiming it!

ants ...

why is it that the smallest things in life are often the greatest source of annoyance?

this afternoon was far too nice for me not to spend at least part of it sitting outside. so after church i set up camp in the shade under a tree with a blanket, some lunch, and my Bible study, thoroughly enjoying the fact that i wasn’t melting after 5 minutes flat. not surprisingly, it didn’t take long for the ants to discover my presence.

there were three types that took up residence on my blanket (not that i blame them - it was i invading their territory, after all): miniscule black ones, regular everyday ones, and larger reddish brown ones. the latter two proved completely harmless, but it was the smallest ones that quickly became a persistent problem. those tiny buggers could deliver some pretty painful bites. and they were everywhere. before i knew it, they had managed to find the one little opening in my lunch bag and completely overtake it. writing this hours later in a leather chair at starbuck’s, even after changing pants, i’m still finding them crawling on me. i can’t wait to get home and into the shower ... YUCK!

and so it is with sin. how often do we worry about the regular everyday ones, and the larger more evil looking ones. but we overlook the little ones. unfortunately, they are the ones that can pack the most painful punch. they are the ones that find the smallest area of weakness in our lives and completely take over when we’re not looking. and they are the ones that hang on even after we’ve left the environment and made changes to our lives. they are the ones that we can’t remove with any efforts of our own, but only with the cleansing blood of Jesus.

purify me from my sins, and i will be clean; wash me, and i will be whiter than snow. (psalm 51:7)

today in church, pastor steve talked about the story of Jesus clearing the temple from john 2. according to 1 corinthians 6:19, our bodies are now the temple of the Holy Spirit. in the same way that Jesus was committed to the temple being in order, God longs for our lives to be aligned with His perfect will and loves us enough to clear out whatever it takes for that to happen.

what are the pesky little sins in your life that need to be removed by the righteous power of God? He wants to wash them away with His purifying grace so you can be completely free from their pain and annoyance. and His purification is the best bug-repellant you can find :)

my God is with you ...

life is short. we all know this. and yet we so easily forget. then you’re standing in walmart and suddenly the fact that they changed your favorite hair product is remarkably inconsequential. suddenly every word in every condolence card - combined - can not come close to expressing the sentiments of your heart.

as a friend pointed out today, it’s mind-boggling to consider that God, in His infinite wisdom, would decide that someone’s time on earth should come to a close. especially someone so young, so full of life, and with an impact on so many people. or i think about the people who died at a sugarland concert tonight. one minute they’re enjoying their favorite music from a premium position. the next, they’re standing before God. stops you in your tracks to think about it.

i had the pleasure of enjoying some of my favorite music tonight, too (without event, thankfully). britt nicole has made up much of the soundtrack for the last 3 years of my life, and i so enjoyed finally getting to see her live. (i actually accidentally typed ‘life’ first, then realized what an accurate statement that is. her music isn’t just songs she sings. it’s backed up by an undeniable authenticity that makes me respect her that much more. but i digress.) afterward, she signed autographs for a while, and i saw that she had written 1 chronicles 28:20 along with her name.

then david said to his son solomon, “be strong and courageous, and act; do not fear nor be dismayed, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you nor forsake you until all the work for the service of the house of the LORD is finished.

this is actually one of my favorite verses, but i thought it was particularly applicable after today. first is the call to act. who knows when your time on earth will be done. never miss an opportunity to act, because you might not be here tomorrow. second, is the fact that God will be with us for as long as it takes for His work to be completed.

philippians 1:6 says, “for i am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.” we can never know when our ‘day of Christ Jesus’ will come, but we can rest assured that when it does He will have completed His perfected work in us ... even if that’s much earlier than we might like.

my thoughts and prayers are with the loved ones of all those that passed today. may we live our lives with greater purpose because of the legacies that they left.

YOU are divine ...

beth moore calls them ‘God-stops’. in the past i have called them ‘God-incidences’. whatever you call them, these are times in my life that God makes His voice clearly known through the repetition of themes. i open my Bible, a book, a magazine, turn on the TV, listen to radio, have a conversation, and they all seem to be saying the same thing ... and they all seem to be speaking directly to me. this is actually the way in which i hear from God the most, and it seems that the more i make note of them, the more frequent they become.

point in case - after i posted my blog on tuesday, i went back and looked at the last one i had posted, and laughed when i read the verse with which i concluded:

i tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘may you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. but you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart. (mark 11:23)

without realizing it, those words set me on a course of deeper belief this summer. as old wounds were revisited, God revealed long-standing areas of doubt in my heart. the ‘believing God‘ study could not have come at a more appropriate time. it was no longer enough for me just to know about and believe in God. for those hurts to be truly healed, i had to come to a place of actually believing God - that He is who He says is, and that i am who He says i am.

so then i started to write thursday’s post about faith & performance, but without much direction. lucky for me, that night’s dinner conversation was exactly what i needed to finish it off. i found myself in 1 peter 1:3, the first part of that verse being something that God has been hammering into my head for over a year now, then went on to cite verses 5 - 7 in relation to faith directing performance, rather than our performance leading to faith.

then, this morning i felt like i was supposed to pull out my ‘streams in a desert’ devotional, something i haven’t done in quite some time. i couldn’t help but laugh when i saw that today’s verse was 1 peter 1:4, “because of His glory & excellence, He has given us His great and precious promises. these are the promises that enable you to share His divine nature and escape the world’s corruption caused by human desires.”

again, i am being reminded of the need to revisit the promises He has made to me, which actually requires another post. but the main point remains that because we know Him, He has given us His promises, and because of His promises, WE HAVE HIS DIVINE NATURE!!!, and are empowered to live victorious lives. how cool is that?!

if we have access to a divine nature, we are certainly hard-pressed to be remembering the promises that give us that access. what have you been promised???

no expectations ...

Nothing like some stimulating dinner conversation to refine one’s daily blog post …

First day back to school. It’s gonna be an interesting year for sure. So much remains to be seen. Last year, there was something so nice about jumping in mid-stream. All the schedules and procedures were already established, and I just had to go with the flow for the most part. This year, I have a much better idea of how things work, and yet there are still so many unknowns. It’s hard to perform when you don’t know what’s expected of you, and as someone who likes to perform, this is a very uncomfortable place in which to find myself.

My relationship with God is much the same. As humans, we like clear-cut expectations. Why do you think God gave us the 10 commandments? The thing is, God’s expectations are essentially impossible to meet. But don’t be discouraged. He knows. He sent Jesus to bridge the gap between us and His impossible expectations. Now His only expectation is that we stop trying and simply accept that Jesus has made a way. Ironically, this is often more difficult than all of our best efforts.

We are called to live a life of faith. Hebrews tells us that “faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Romans tells us that “whatever is not from faith is sin.” Wow. That can seem a bit overwhelming. But I think it boils down to the motivation of our actions.

Do I do or not do something because I think it makes me more righteous, or because I am operating out of what I believe God has called me to, and who He says that I am? It seems that if we have more faith in God, we have both more and less faith in ourselves. We come to understand that we can’t do it on our own, and yet are empowered by the knowledge that “God has given us everything we need for living a godly life.” (2 Peter 1:3). Second Peter goes on to say, “Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone.”

If we choose to keep trying of our own accord, we subject ourselves to the consequences of God’s impossible expectations. If we choose to submit our efforts to the assurance of something greater than ourselves, then our righteousness is secure.

We are in a time of God calling His people to deeper levels of faith. We want things to be cut and dry. Tell me what to do and I’ll do it. But if we knew exactly what to do, then it would cease to be faith. He simply asks that, according to His promises, we conduct ourselves with moral excellence, knowledge, self-control, patient endurance, godliness, brotherly affection, and love for everyone. If we do that – whether at home, at school, at work, or following our dreams – we can’t go wrong.

the mess of togetherness ...

Alright, I’ve had this one mostly done in the queue for several weeks now, so for the sake of diving in to this writing thing, I figured I would finish it off today.

"You have freedom to 100% rock this! ... Messy is good. God likes messy. He wouldn't have chosen us if He didn't like messy."

I heard a friend speak this word of encouragement during a worship rehearsal several weeks ago, and was compelled to write it down. Somehow, these two thoughts don’t seem like they should go together. Rocking it out elicits images of a finely-tuned, exhaustively practiced stage show. Messy is what it took to get there. Yes?

Yes.

When it comes to God, the getting there IS what He’s interested in. He doesn’t care how good of a show we can put on. Perfection is HIS business. All He asks is that we rock our mess. We must stand confidently in who we are (because of who He says that we are), right where we are, no matter how messy that might seem to us. Trust Him with our mess. Trust that He trusts us with our mess. He’s not waiting for us to get our acts together. He just wants us to bring what we have to the table. At the risk of sounding cliché, He’ll make our mess into a beautiful thing.

At the time, I posted this as my status on Facebook. Another friend commented, "Without an ox, there is no mess in the stable."

I wasn’t sure where that came from, but as ‘luck’ would have it, it popped up in our Bible study the following week. This little nugget of wisdom can be found in Proverbs 14:4, and goes on to say, “you need a strong ox for a large harvest.” In the gospels, Jesus says, “The harvest is great, but the workers are few.” God wants a large harvest. God needs us for that to happen. He knows that will involve our messes. He’s okay with that. He designed it that way.

The same goes for relationships. They're messy.

oh, it's just a part of being a family

taking the good with the bad and the ugly ...

- Sanctus Real

You could avoid the mess by avoiding the people, but you would also be missing out on the sweet fruit that relationships bring to your life. Being okay with the messiness of relationships is a lesson I have been learning lately. The cool thing is, when you’re stinky together, you tend not to notice the smell quite so much. And when you’re in it together, you get to work at cleaning up the messes together. In the end, I’d rather have the divided work of the mess of togetherness, than the mess of me by myself.

testify to love ...

During the latter part of this summer, I jumped into Beth Moore’s Believing God Bible study with an amazing group of women from my church. It has been absolutely life changing, and I have barely even begun to scratch the surface. It feels like I need to go back through the whole thing with a fine tooth comb, making sure I don’t miss applying a single ounce of what God has spoken to me.

One of the big things He has spoken involves writing. This is not new – by ANY means – but I feel like this time around it’s a matter of sanctified (to make productive of or conducive to spiritual blessing) & consecrated (to devote or dedicate to some purpose) obedience, and why this afternoon finds me tapping away at my keyboard.

In the video from today’s session, Beth made a number of statements that really struck me.

“God wants to give things to people who are enthusiastic about receiving them … The more we clap, the more inclined He is to give an encore.”

If I want my encore, it’s high time that I start clapping!

The past two weeks of the study have been focused on finding God in our life stories. This was not a new concept or practice for me, but God has still been absolutely blowing my mind in terms of answering questions and revealing truths about my past. He has also been showing me how far He has brought me, especially in the last few years.

Just last night, I was thinking about how I spent so many years with the desperate longing to freely give and receive – and ask for – affection, but not knowing how. The reasons why would take many more posts, and there are still many questions surrounding this issue BUT, this morning during study, as I reached over to take my friend’s hand during prayer I heard God say, “I have done this!” Even as I write that, I can no longer see my screen through the tears streaming down my face.

I often get so caught up in the lingering questions that I let the lies of my past take me right back to that place, but the truth remains that GOD HAS DONE A GREAT WORK, and I can trust Him to complete it. I can trust – and thank Him even now for doing it – that He WILL show me how to accept & rest in love freely given.

For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love
I'll be a witness in the silences when words are not enough
With every breath I take I will give thanks to God above
For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love

What about you? What testimony can you give? What truth do you need to stand on today?

speechless ...

after spending much of 4 hours of plane time, and 3 hours of airport time reflecting on God's incredible grace over the past year, i flew into beautiful bozeman, mt ... i definitely was not expecting it to look like this!


i picked up the rental car and got settled in my room, then headed out for a run, camera in hand. i couldn't wipe the silly smile off my smile as i tried to take it all in. steven curtis chapman's 'speechless' came on my ipod and i realized that i was literally standing in the middle of that song ...


Words fall like drops of rain
My lips are like clouds
I say so many things
Trying to figure you out
But as mercy opens my eyes
My words are stolen away
WITH THIS BREATHTAKING VIEW OF YOUR GRACE

And I am speechless
I'm astonished and amazed
I am silenced by your wondrous grace
You have saved me
You have raised me from the grave
And I am speechless in your presence now
I'm astounded as I consider how
You have shown us
A love that leaves us speechless

that is where i am today as i set out into this next chapter of my life, ready to start facing my next set of walls ...

I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart. (Mark 11:23)

describing the indescribable ... my country music marathon experience - the finish

after seeing him, the shepherds told everyone about what had happened ... but mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often. (luke 2: 17 & 19)
______________________________________________________________________

as we crested the hill right before mile 26, i knew i was either going to pass out or throw up. fortunately it was the latter. and inexplicably, it seemed that every ounce of fluid and gel i had taken in over the last 4 1/2 hours came back up. no wonder my body was shutting down. (as an aside, if you’re reading this and have any insight as to why my body is unable to absorb what i take in during races it would be greatly appreciated, as i would like to run another and not completely bonk like i have in my past two.) the best part was, after i finished, we turned around to see a girl carrying a sign that said, “puke and rally.” and that i did.

i eased into it, but found i had the strength to run again. we picked up speed as we made our way down the hill toward the finish line. i laughed when the song that would be the last of the race came on my ipod - one of my best friend’s group ‘undue favor’, called “life amazing.” i could not have picked a better note on which to end. my dad - jeans, polo shirt, recent back surgery, and all - jumped in with us. unfortunately, he was also what clued a race official into the fact that they we not registered runners and stopped them from finishing with me, which has never been an issue in the past. i was so disappointed, but knew that i could not let it hold me back. the rest of my squad had managed to attain perfect positioning at the finish, and a huge smile spread across my face as i crossed the line to their resounding cheers.

4:38 was my final time. it was disappointing that i had missed my goal by so much, but in that moment, just like they say about labor, all the bad parts disappeared and only the incomparable joy remained. i wish i had thrown up sooner so maybe i could have finished stronger. but i know beyond the shadow of a doubt that i absolutely gave my all that day. and i wouldn’t trade what i shared with my best friend for anything. my first goal for the day was a 3:40 finish. my second was not to throw up at the end like i had after my first race. but my ultimate goal was for it to be an enjoyable experience. and that it was. two out of three ain’t bad.

in jest, a friend asked if i had won. “i overcame,” was my response. pushing through the pain was ultimately a greater accomplishment than meeting my goal time. and it is an experience that i will keep in my heart and think about often, just like mary.

describing the indescribable ... my country music marathon experience - part 2

after seeing him, the shepherds told everyone about what had happened ... but mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often. (luke 2: 17 & 19)
______________________________________________________________________

i was beginning to struggle, and when i couldn’t stomach my energy bar just before mile 10, i knew that things were not going to turn out well. i had tried for as long as possible not to entertain that thought, but it was only a matter of time before the mental could no longer overcome the physical. i was okay with not hitting my goal if i could stay strong for the rest of the race. if only ...

the next 6 miles were some of the course’s hardest ... a long & lonely, hot & hilly out and back through metro center. i passed my oldest nashville running friend - and marathon veteran - around the farmer’s market and wonder now what would have happened if i had tried to stay with her. instead, i have almost no recollection of making my way back into the city and meeting up with my cheer squad at mile 17. they could see that i was not doing well. my eyes were the strangest color, they would later tell me. it was like i was there, but i wasn’t, or like i was underwater, which is weird because my ears were actually clogged. in that moment my best friend decided to go with me then. initially, she was just going to go a little ways before circling back to meet me at our next checkpoint. but it didn’t take long for her to determine that staying with me for the long haul was what i needed.

we slowly jogged away from the group, across the woodland street bridge and into east nashville. i’m not sure at what point i had to start walking, but would say i was only able to run fewer than 3 of the final 9 miles. my cheer squad popped up again around mile 20, and i was able to give them a smile and sign “i love you.” but it wasn’t long after that when i told my friend that i may or may not throw up. i also realized that i was no longer sweating and knew that was not a good sign. my responses to her came in short bursts - “wait ... walk ... no ... stay with me.” she carried my bottle for me, poured water down my back, and held my hand as i struggled up a hill in shelby park. if not for her, i’m honestly not sure i would have been able to make it through those last long miles.



find out how i finished later this week ...

describing the indescribable ... my country music marathon experience - part 1

after seeing him, the shepherds told everyone about what had happened ... but mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often. (luke 2: 17 & 19)
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there are some experiences in life that can never be fully explained - no words can describe, no picture can capture. they can only be cherished - kept, carefully weighed, compared and added to what we already know to be true about ourselves and others. my country music marathon was one of these experiences. that being said, i will simply do my best to convey the events as they unfolded.

it was to be my second marathon. my first, huntsville in december of 2009, didn’t go quite as well as i had hoped. i went into with an ambitious goal of 3:30. a boston qualifying time of 3:40 was my plan b. i should have been thrilled with my actual finish of 3:49. and i would have been if i hadn’t felt awful from almost the very beginning. i didn’t hit a wall ... the whole race was my wall. and then i threw up at the end. i came away from the experience with a very bad taste in my mouth, and it took me over a year to even entertain the thought of doing another.

when i finally did, i knew that i would have to run my own race (not try to stay with anyone else as i had before), with lots of support, and on a familiar course. enter the country music marathon.

after battling illness and injury at the beginning of my training, things went very well. (besides, it was those things that kept me from registering sooner, allowing me to win a free entry, so i consider them a blessing in disguise.) i was in a much better place physically and emotionally, and felt stronger than i had in a long time. i established a good routine with my long runs, and felt great during and after them. everything seemed to be lining up, and i was cautiously optimistic about a positive outcome.

my parents came in town for the race and they, along with some of my closest friends, made up my amazing cheer squad. we had mapped out several spots for them to watch along the way, and my best friend (and running partner) planned to jump in with me at mile 20 and do several miles, then finish together. i was ridiculously nervous in the days leading up to the race, but by that morning had settled in my heart to just make the most of the experience.

things started out great. i caught a glimpse of my cheer squad at mile 2 and their exuberant faces carried me for the next 8 miles. the twin boys that i used to nanny and their parents were stationed at mile 10. i paused long enough to kiss their little knees in the stroller then was on my way again. my cheer squad was next stationed at mile 11 where i stopped to refill my bottle with gatorade. at that point, i was on target for a 3:40 finish. but after leaving them, i made the decision to drop my pace.

check back to find out what happened ...